Way Back Home
by ForeverHappens
Summary: Nothing has gone right in Mikan Sakura's life after her brother's sudden death. Living in Tokyo with her parents, she chose to alienate herself from everyone. Then her parents decide to spend the summer at their old home in California where Mikan's brother died. As the summer unfolds, she learns that pushing everyone away isn't an option. Especially in family, friendship & love.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey everyone! I'M BACKKKK! :) I've been reading the reviews from my previous story, and I thought, I must write another GA fanfic. I know ya'll been asking for a sequel for _A Little Less Than Perfect_, but I couldn't think of a plot at the moment unfortunately :( but I might work on it though. So for now, I hope you enjoy this story :)**

**Here's a longer summary:**

**Nothing has gone right in Mikan Sakura's life after her brother's sudden death. Living in Tokyo with her parents two years later, she chose to alienate herself from everyone and turned into your everyday rebellious teenager. Then her parents decide to spend the summer at their old home in California where coincidentally (or not really coincidental), Mikan's brother died. As the summer unfolds, she learns that pushing everyone away isn't an option. Especially when it comes to family, friendship & love.**

* * *

I quietly took out my house keys from my purse and carefully unlocked the door. As I entered the house and closed the door behind me, I let out a sigh of relief, considering the fact that the house was pitch dark and it was obvious my parents were already asleep. That relief only lasted for about ten seconds though, because as I went to the kitchen to get a bottled water, my mom was sitting by the kitchen counter, in her robe, drinking a cup of coffee.

"Did you lock the door?" she asked me, flatly.

"Yes," I replied. I headed for the fridge, nonchalantly, like I didn't just come home from a party at two a.m. in the morning.

"What time is your curfew, Mikan?"

I grabbed a bottled water. "Midnight."

"And what time is it?"

"Two-thirteen."

She stood up and walked towards me. "Right. And you are two hours and thirteen minutes late."

"I know," I answered, as I took a gulp of water.

My mom sighed. "I should probably be shouting at you right now, but it's getting pretty tiring. Considering, I've been doing it for the past two years."

"Nobody said you had to. And besides, nobody leaves an End of The School Year Party at midnight, Mom. Or any party for that matter."

She sighed again. "Are you going to be doing this for the rest of the summer? Because if you are, you might as well not come home."

I shrugged. "All right. I'll stay at Sumire's. No big deal."

She laughed humorlessly. "Of course you are. And have you ever thought about college, honey? I mean, this would be the perfect time to study for the SAT's and-"

"Can we not talk about that right now? I know you want me outta here, but I still have one year to go. And don't worry. If I don't get into any college, I'll still be leaving." I got another bottle of water from the fridge to avoid coming down later again if I get thirsty. "I'm tired. I'm going to bed."

"You know we have to talk about this in the morning, Mikan," she said. "With you father."

"I know."

As I headed up the stairs, my mother called, "Oh and Mikan? Your brother would've wanted you to live better than this."

I came to sudden halt, and turned around to face my mom. She was always doing this every time I did something wrong or came home late. For the past two years, since it happened, I always ignored her when she said this to me, because I knew she was right. Tsubasa would never have wanted me to be living like shit. But what else did I have to do? He wasn't here. He wasn't here to tell me that. And what hurts the most, is that my mom had to keep reminding me that every single time.

"Please," I told her, "you don't have to bring out the Tsubasa card, Mom. I know. All right? I know."

"Then why do you keep acting this way? Do you know that this is hard for us too? Do you think that that you're the only one having a hard time just because you're-"

"I'm going to bed now," I said, cutting her off. I knew what she was going to say. And if I heard it again, I wouldn't be able to take it.

I walked up the stairs again, and I heard my mom whisper an apology.

* * *

As I got ready for bed, my phone rang. It was Sumire calling. She has been my best friend for the past two years since I moved here, and let's say she is one of the reasons why I am who I am today. When I first came here, I was a total wreck, and Sumire came along and introduced me in this world where you can run away from the pain. And that's where I've been ever since.

"Hello?"

"Mikan!" she screamed through the phone. "Where the hell are you? Did you just ditch me?"

I could still hear music in the background. Obviously, this party would last until dawn or something. "Sorry. I'm at home. I tried looking for you, but I couldn't find you. Some random dude told me you were at it at the woods?"

She scoffed. "I am appalled! I would I never do it in the woods! We were in Akira's room. I'm sorry too, I should have told you first."

This was the thing with Sumire. She told me that guys were a way of 'running away from the pain'. "But nothing too serious," she'd said. "That would just get messy." But that was one thing I didn't do. Boys. Even if it would be a fling or a one-night stand or whatever, I just didn't want to be committed to anybody.

"Akira Tonouchi? But isn't he in college?"

"Duh! That's what makes him hot."

"Right okay. Will you be fine? Do you have a ride?"

"Oh yeah, I'll totally be fine! Don't worry about me. Hey! Excuse you, but you bumped into me, Luna."

I didn't hear Luna's response, I knew it was something Sumire wouldn't waste time over. See, Luna Koizumi is your typical popular and bitchy Queen Bee. And everybody worships her, at the same time hates her. Sumire's one of the latter. I think they were best friends or something before.

"What a complete bitch," Sumire said, when she came back on the phone. "So listen. I'm having this pool party at my place tomorrow. Or should I say, later today. Maybe four in the afternoon. Just be there."

"Right. I'll be there, but I'm not swimming."

She sighed exasperatedly. "Mikan, the point of having a pool party is to swim?"

"Sumire, you know why-"

"Oh my God. Right. I forgot about you plus water equals disaster. Hey, that rhymed. All right fine. But be there, biatch."

"I will," I told her. "And go home already. It's almost three."

"All right! Geez, when did you become such a mom? I'll see you later. Bye."

I hung up the phone, and crawled into my bed. For some reason, I was really wiped out. I didn't feel that way when I left the party. I left because Sumire was nowhere to be found, and okay. I left because I knew my mom would be waiting up for me. She always did.

* * *

Two years ago, my family lived in Malibu, California. That was where my brother and I were born and raised. It was my hometown. My parents originally lived here in Tokyo, and after they married, they decided to live in California instead. Mostly because my grandmother, Dad's mom, who died a long time ago, had a house there and it was clearly stated in her will that it belonged to my dad. So that was where we lived. A house by the beach. Every child's dream.

My older brother by three years, Tsubasa, and I loved the beach. Every single day we would swim, build sandcastles, go sailing, have bonfires with our friends who were our neighbors. And my personal favorite, collect seashells. We studied at a nearby school, and everything was perfect.

Until that incident happened of course. It was a windy day, and I told Tsubasa that I wanted to fly a kite on the beach. He said he had a better idea, and that was to sail a boat. He was eighteen at that time, and was studying at a community college. He said he loved Malibu so much, that he didn't want to stray too far from homeland. While I was fifteen and just about to start my freshman year in high school. Anyway, I told him that we should probably let one of his friends tag along or Dad, but he told me he knew perfectly well how to sail a boat. And just like that, I was sold.

Things were going smoothly and we were having a blast until the wind became too strong, manipulating the currents. It all happened too fast that I couldn't think at that time. Before I knew it, Tsubasa and I were thrown off the boat, and we were both fighting against the currents. We were good swimmers, living by the beach our whole lives. But because of how fast things were happening, I was panicking and screaming, and that probably made my brother panic too. We were far away from each other and he tried to swim towards me but the currents were too strong.

"Hold on, Mikan," he'd shouted at me. "I'm coming to get you. Everything will be fine."

Thankfully, there was also a boat sailing nearby, and we signaled for help. I knew it was coming for us, so the first thing I did was swim towards it. I searched for Tsuabasa, and I was relieved to find him swimming behind me. But still, far from each other. The winds got stronger that time, and it was harder to swim against the current. I didn't know how it happened, but when the boat reached me, and threw me a lifesaver, I didn't see Tsuabasa anymore.

"Wait!" I told the man at the boat. "My brother! He's still out there!"

"Honey, I did see him when you were signalling to us, but he's not-"

"No! He's there. He was right behind me!"

"Sweetheart, the currents are very strong. He might have drowned."

I felt tears sting my eyes. That wasn't possible. "NO!" I shouted. "He's a better swimmer than I am. He can't drown! He can't!"

"We have to get back," the man insisted. "The winds are too strong."

"My brother is still there!" I screamed through my tears.

"There will be a search rescue right away, I assure you. I'll make a call right away once we hit shore. We have to go."

I already couldn't understand him at that time. It wasn't possible that Tsubasa drowned. He was a much better swimmer than me. There was just no way.

I came home crying hysterically to my parents, and as promised by that man on the boat, there was a search rescue sent. My parents, neighbors, and I waited anxiously. And all I could do was stare at the ocean, where there were no more currents. It was still. The winds were gone by that time. The wait was truly agonizing, and I could already hear some of the adults whispering things to each other like, "It would be a miracle if they found him alive." I wanted to throw things at them. Anything. They underestimated my brother too much. He was a great swimmer. Great swimmers just don't drown.

Eventually, the rescue team came back at around midnight, and all the houses near ours still had their lights on and sat on their front porches, waiting just as anxiously as we have. I didn't know what to think when they said, "We found his body" instead of, "We found him."

And in that moment, I realized that my brother was gone. He drowned. A great swimmer drowned. It was overwhelming. The complete sadness that washed over me. Tsubasa wasn't there anymore. I just lost a brother. A brother who always protected me, who taught me loads of things. He was gone.

I remembered feeling numb at that moment, that I didn't even feel the arms that wrapped around me, or the soothing words that they were telling me. I didn't remember crying. Or maybe it was all I ever did after the numbness faded. I felt that way until his funeral. A lot of people went, and a lot of people where comforting me, comforting my parents, but I just stayed silent. My mom kept on embracing me while crying, but I didn't remember crying with her, until I saw her in Tsubasa's room cleaning out his things. That was the only time we cried together ever since it happened. My dad was a silent griever. He would pretend that he was fine, but I caught him a few times, with tears slowly streaming down his face while looking at Tsubasa's swimming trophies and medals. I wanted to cry with him too, but I knew he wanted to be the strong one in this family, so I let him.

Eventually, my parents decided that it was best to move out. None of us could concentrate on anything we did around the house, my grades were falling and my parents' job were almost at stake. My mom found it too difficult to put away all of Tsubasa's things, so we left them lying around the house. Sometimes I'd find one of his old socks in the bathtub, like he'd been there only a few seconds ago. They wanted to move somewhere far away, so they contacted my aunt, who was a real estate agent in Tokyo, and got a house there. There was nothing in Tokyo that could ever remind them of Tsubasa, so it was a safe place.

I was furious with them, because it was like they wanted to forget all about Tsubasa, but they said it wasn't like that. They were "trying to make life go on." And it wasn't easy doing it in Malibu, where everywhere you went, there were memories of Tsubasa all the time. So we moved. I said goodbye to my friends, Tsubasa's friends, and to my home. Before leaving I looked at the beach one more time, and I realized I was afraid to go in it. Unlike before, where I would just want to dive in even with all my clothes still on. But right at that moment, I hated it. I hated the ocean for taking my brother away from me. I hated that I had to move, to leave everything that I grew up in. Everything that I was used to. I hated that we were already trying to move on. I hated everything.

So two years later, here I was, my hatred turned into disappointing my parents, and trying to run away from the pain. Truth is, you can't run from it. You can only hide from it. But it's always going to come back and chase you.

* * *

**So how was that for a first chapter? Not too heavy or anything? I thought I had to put here right away the past, so you could understand the story later on. But that's just the main part. There will be more details in the coming chapters though :)**

**Hoped you guys liked it Xx**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey hey hey :) read your reviews, and so glad to know that you guys liked the story! I just noticed, that this is my second story that involves someone dying. And I didn't do it on purpose! Hahaha. Okay anyway, I'm talking too much, here's the second chapter :)**

* * *

I woke up at around noon that day, and as expected, my parents were waiting for me downstairs. My mom was drinking her usual cup of coffee while watching television, and my dad was reading the local newspaper on the couch.

"Oh there you are," my mom said when she saw me. "I hope you hadn't forgotten about that talk."

I didn't say anything, as I proceeded to the kitchen to get myself some coffee. I was in no mood for this, even if this was like, the hundredth time that we would have some sort of "talk." The whole thing was pretty ridiculous if you ask me.

"Mikan," I heard my dad call. "This is important."

I sighed exasperatedly and headed for the living room, a cup of warm coffee in my hands. I sat on the loveseat in our living room, and waited for whatever they were going to say now.

"Okay," my mom said, as she entered the living room. "Let's get down to business."

"Mom. We are not at a court talking about a case," I told her.

"Mikan," my dad warned.

I sighed one more time and took a sip of my coffee. Both my parents' jobs were lawyers, even when we were back in Malibu. So for both parents as lawyers, my brother and I didn't get to see them as much, but we didn't have a hard time getting along, then. Now that Tsubasa was gone, it was like something took put the roots of a tree, and now we were a wreck. A wreck that my parents were trying hard to polish, but wouldn't shine.

"Okay, so here's the thing, Mikan." I wanted to roll my eyes at how my mom was trying to be formal and professional. "I know, well your father and I know, that you have no interest in studying for the SAT's so-"

"I told you, I still have a year. I'll be out of your hands as soon as possible, okay?"

"Will you just let me finish?"

I placed my mug on the coffee table, and crossed my arms over my chest. "Fine."

"Okay. So I was saying, if you're not going to study for the SAT's this summer, then for sure you'd be out partying every night. Am I right?"

"Yes."

She nodded. "Right. And your father and I agreed that we don't want you spending all summer partying."

"I have a job, Mom," I reminded her. It was at a music store at the mall, and it was the only job I could find at that time.

"Yes, a job that pays minimum wage, and you hardly even go to because you're out partying."

I decided to stay silent because she was right about that. "So, the whole point of this conversation right now, is to figure out what we'll be doing for the summer."

"Wait," I said. "What do you mean, 'we'?"

"Actually," my dad cut in, "we aren't going to 'figure it out', because your mother and I already planned our summer."

What the hell was happening? "Wait a minute. What exactly is going on here?"

"We," my mom said. "Are going to spend the summer in Malibu."

It was like I had suddenly gone deaf, and all that I could hear was the ringing in my ears. Malibu. That name hasn't come up in this household ever since we moved. Just the sound of it, how my mother said it, suddenly brought back different memories. But what about Malibu?

"Mikan?" my mom was snapping in front of what I think was my flabbergasted face. "Honey, are you okay?"

I shook my head and snapped back to reality. "I'm sorry, but what did you say?"

She sighed. "I know you heard me, Mikan. But if you really want me to repeat it then, here it is. We are going to spend the summer in Malibu."

Summer. Malibu. That was all it took for me, to actually burst. I didn't know what it was, but I stood up and started freaking out. "What? Are you completely insane? I thought that we wanted to run away from that place? That it was time to move on? Now we're going back, like you didn't decide to leave in the first place?"

"Oh honey, we weren't trying to run away," my mom said. "We thought that it would be good for us if we moved. But it seemed like it only made things much worse. I mean, look at you. You weren't like this before, and I know you're angry at us for leaving everything you've ever been used to behind. Angry that your brother's not here-"

"Not everything is about you!" I exclaimed. "Why can't this be about me? You think it's easy? Moving to a new place, a new country, and trying to move on, when the truth is we can't do that?"

"You think this has been easy on us?" she shot back. "Do you know how we felt waiting for you every single night, worrying that something might happen, or if you were still alive? Mikan, you're the only one we have left, and I know you're angry but don't think that you're the only one having a hard time here."

For the first time in two years, this was the only time we ever talked about grieving. How it hurt to lose someone in the family. The truth is, everything my mother said was right. I knew I was this way, because I was angry at the world. That was why I didn't want anyone to get too close to me, because I always thought about how much pain it would cost if I ever lose them.

"I'm not going," I said.

"Yes you are," my dad said. "We're leaving on Saturday."

This Saturday. June 26. It was Tsubasa's third death anniversary. I looked at both my parents, and I knew that they knew what I was thinking. I couldn't believe they were doing this to me. This was hard on all of us, but they didn't know what it was like being with him that last time. When there could have been a chance that he was saved, but wasn't.

"I don't have time for this." Without saying another word, I walked out of the living room, got my car keys, and left the house.

* * *

"Well, you're here early."

"My parents."

Sumire nodded knowingly. "Ah. Well then, come on in. At least I have some extra help for the party later."

"Yeah, not gonna happen," I joked. Sumire let me in her house, and she led me outside where the pool is. There were a number of tables and chairs already, and a long buffet table filled with bowls.

"Well, it look like you can do all this on your own," I told her.

She rolled her eyes. "Ever heard of housekeeping? And besides, it's only one o'clock. Let's just lay under the sun for a while."

We both laid down on two of the loungers, while I was still trying to get rid of what my parents just told me earlier. No way was I going to back to Malibu. First they wanted to leave so they could forget about my brother, then come back two years later for his death anniversary? The whole situation was fucked up.

"So, what's up?" Sumire asked me.

"I told you. My parents."

"Well yeah, I know that they're annoying sometimes. They're parents. It's their jobs. So what happened?"

I really didn't want to talk about it, but Sumire is the closest thing I have here. "My parents and I are going to California."

"Mikan!" she exclaimed. "Just what is so bad about that? I'm completely jealous. I think my parents are sending me to my grandmother's or somewhere in the countryside this summer."

I gave her a look. I remembered actually telling her that I came from California, and that it was filled with not-so-good memories.

"Oh right," she said, after two seconds of realization. "But why would they do that?"

"My brother's anniversary." I didn't want to say 'death' in front of her, because the last thing I needed was someone to show me some sympathy.

"Oh." Then after a while, "how did your brother die? You never told me. And I never asked because I knew it was a sore topic at that time. But it's been two years, so..."

She obviously didn't know what it felt like to lose someone who meant the world to you. Time doesn't heal anything. No matter what happens, he's always going to be gone. He was never coming back, and nothing will ever be the same. But I didn't say anything, because I knew she wouldn't understand. So I decided to just tell her the truth.

"He drowned," I said.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head.

She nodded. "Is that why you're afraid of the water?"

"I'm not afraid," I snapped. I cleared my throat. "I just don't like being in it."

"Okay, you know what," Sumire said, standing up. "This drama talk is ruining my tan. Why don't you help me fill those bowls with snacks." She gestured at the buffet table.

I smiled at her. "Glad to."

"And okay, I'm sorry for being an insensitive bitch."

"Don't worry about it."

"Oh and I forgive you for not planning to swim at my pool party," she added.

I rolled my eyes at her. "Come on, let's just get those snacks over with."

* * *

I got home at around midnight, and I was so not in the mood to deal with my mom right now, since I knew she'd be waiting up for me. So, I quickly locked the door behind me, and walked quietly up the stairs.

"Change of plans."

I let out a shriek, and turned around. "Oh my God, Mom. You scared me to death."

In the darkness, I saw that she looked a little hurt about what I just said. Then, I remembered how it was sore topic for her. Good. Let her feel that way. I've had a way harder time than her.

"Well why are you being sneaky? It's not like you're going to get caught."

"I was being sneaky, because I can't deal with you right now. I'm going to bed."

"Mikan, get back here."

I was already halfway up the stairs, and I was tired and cranky. If my mom got on my nerves, I don't know what I'll do.

"This is important," she called.

I let out a frustrated sigh and turned around once again. "What? What is it that is so important that can't wait in the morning? Oh wait, nothing. Because you've already dropped the bombshell earlier today. Or is there more?"

"Mikan Sakura, would you quit it with that attitude of yours? I'm getting tired of it."

I crossed my arms over my chest. "Well? What is this important thing that you have to tell me that can't wait tomorrow morning?"

"It's about Malibu."

"I already told you. I'm not going."

"Yes you are. You are still underaged, so we still have complete power over you."

I was getting more annoyed by the minute. "You can't make me go."

"Mikan, it's for your brother."

I raised my hands up in exasperation. "Not this again. It's not fair, Mom. Two years ago, we left Malibu because you said that you wanted to move on with life, but found it difficult to do it there. And now we're here in Japan, a thousand miles away from everything that reminded you of Tsubasa. Isn't this what you wanted? To forget about it all?"

"How could you think that? You and I both know, that none us of wanted to forget him."

"Then why did we move?" I demanded. "Please enlighten me, Mom. Because for all I know, we could have just stayed there, and adjusted to the life without him. Of course it was going to hurt. What did you think, that after a month we could just get over it? It's been two years, and I'm not over it. I remember every single detail. And it hurt that you had to take us away from there just because you were scared."

My mom was silent for a while. I couldn't believe what I just said. It was mostly what has been inside my chest ever since we moved. It was more painful to be away from the place my brother loved so much. That I, loved so much.

"We're still going," my mom finally said. "And the plan's been changed. We're leaving tomorrow afternoon. So you better pack your things tonight." And with that, she went up the stairs without saying another word.

While, I, was left there dumbfounded. Tomorrow? The realization hit me like a tidal wave. I shivered, not wanting to remember. Honestly? The reason why I didn't want to go, was because I was scared. I wasn't emotionally prepared for a change again, even if that change is going back to somewhere I knew so well.

* * *

**Okay, I know ya'll been waiting for Natsume's appearance, but let's be patient lovelies. He'll be there soon :) X**


	3. Chapter 3

_**"Time won't fly it's like I'm paralyzed by it  
I'd like to be my old self again  
but I'm still trying to find it."  
-All Too Well (Taylor Swift)**_

**Hmmmm... guess who's in this chapter ;) x**

* * *

I had no choice but to pack my stuff. It was three a.m. and I couldn't sleep at all. For some reason, I couldn't get rid of my mom's expression in my head when I had that outburst. It wasn't hurt, but more of disappointment. Maybe what I said was a bit too harsh. But it was true, what I said. My parents were scared. And I was too.

I just sat there on my bed, my suitcase open, and a pile of my clothes stacked against each other. I had no idea what was going to happen once I got there. I thought about all the things, places, and people I left. Will our old house be the same? I didn't remember it being put on sale, and I half-wished that my parents didn't sell it. Besides, if they did sell it, then where would we stay? I thought about the beach next. There was no way avoiding that, since our house was right on it. I hadn't swam since we moved, and I never thought of doing it. I avoided being in the water as much as possible, which wasn't hard since I was living in the city.

And of course, I thought of all the people I left behind. My very first best friend, and my first love.

Okay, he really didn't become my boyfriend, but he was the guy I've always had eyes on since I was a kid. He was Tsubasa's best friend, and I knew it wasn't going to work out between us the moment he called me, "the other sister I never had." (He already had a younger sister). I wondered if all them were still there, or if I had anything to come back to at all.

I groaned. Why were my parents doing this to me? I mean, I may have acted like a total jerk, but what did they expect from a seventeen year-old girl who was there when her brother drowned but wasn't able to do anything about it?

I examined the clothes that were in my suitcase. All of them were either black, violet, or brown. Not exactly summer colors. Along with my rebellion, I decided why not get the look too? So for two years, this had been my wardrobe. I decided I couldn't wear these to the beach, because everyone will think I'm retarded, and-

Wait a second. When did I care what people thought? I've changed now. I was going to wear whatever I wanted. And if my mother doesn't approve of it, well then, the hell with it. She was the one who wanted to drag me back to that place in the first place. Besides, no way was I stepping foot on that beach. I sighed. This was really happening. I wouldn't know what to do if I saw my brother's things around the house. I'd probably have a breakdown.

I gave up deciding what to pack, so I put the first things that I could find in my suitcase, and went straight to sleep.

* * *

"All packed?"

I looked up from my iPhone, where I was texting Sumire about my sudden departure and how my life sucks and some curses and some other teenage drama. To which her replies were, curses as well. It was two in the afternoon on a Wednesday, and our flight was at four, and we were still at home.

"Yes," I told my dad, and went back to texting. They had to know I hated what they were doing.

"It's just for the summer, sweetie," he said.

"Well for a seventeen year-old girl like me, two months and three weeks equals a year."

He sighed. "This is going to be good for us, you'll see."

"Yeah, that's what you said when we moved here."

"Okay!" my mom said, as she entered the living room. "Is everyone ready?"

"Yep!" my dad answered, while I didn't say anything.

"Mikan?"

I looked up at her. "What?"

My mom looked like she had a thousand things she had to say, but all she said was, "Ready?"

"I would say no, but that wouldn't change anything, would it?"

She sighed. "No, it wouldn't. Okay then, let's get going!"

As we left our house, deja vu hit me. Going back to California wasn't going to be permanent, but still, it was going to be different from before. And I had this feeling that it would change me, again.

* * *

"Mikan, wake up. We're here, honey."

The truth is, I was already awake. Like about, forty-five minutes ago. And I knew we've landed already. I just didn't want to open my eyes, because I was still trying to convince myself that I was in a bad dream.

"Come on, everyone's filing our of the airplane," my mom said. "I know you're awake."

I moaned, pretending to be disturbed, since I was "sleeping."

"Fine. Then we'd leave you here then."

I didn't believe them one bit. What did my parents think, I was eight years old? But then, I heard them taking the suitcases from the overhead compartments, and I opened my eyes, a little to see if they were really going to ditch me, and I saw them already walking ahead with the other passengers. I panicked, so I pretended to just have woken up.

"Mom, what is with all that noise?" I said, crankily, loud enough for my parents to hear. Unfortunately though, a number of passengers looked my way.

"Oh, so now you're awake." My mom gestured to my dad to go ahead with the luggage, and made her way back to our seat.

"Who wouldn't wake up in all this noise?" I got out of my seat, and took my suitcase out of the overhead compartment, but it wasn't there.

"With your dad," my mom said, before I could ask. "We figured, if you were going to sleep until the next flight then you might enjoy ending up somewhere without clothes."

I just looked at my mom in shock. Oh so now, she was being hard on me. Well, two can play in that game. And I've been playing this game for two years now.

We landed at around three, so it was scorching hot. I couldn't remember the last time I was at LAX. Maybe it was that time when I was six and my family took a family vacation to Florida to visit my aunt. Summer in California. My favorite time of the year.

Was. Was my favorite time of the year. We were outside the airport already, waiting for a cab. It was like forty degrees out, and I couldn't believe how I wasn't used to this kind of heat anymore. Thankfully, I was wearing my shades, and a (black) tank top. It felt weird being here again, and just the heat of the sun, reminded me of my brother already. What more if we arrive at the beach? Or most of all, our old house?

"Um, Dad?" I said, when I noticed we were standing there under the heat of the sun with our overweight baggage for almost an hour. "There had been like five empty cabs that passed us, and I just want to know why we didn't ride in them."

My dad chuckled. How could he think something like this was funny? I was already pissed. "Just you wait, we have a ride." He winked at me.

What the hell was that supposed to mean?

"Why the rush, honey?" my mom said. "Are you that excited to go back to our house?"

I glared at her through my sunglasses. "In case you haven't noticed, Mom, it's like forty degrees here, and we've been standing for almost an hour with heavy luggage."

Just then, a familiar looking vehicle approached us.

Oh. My. God.

That was our family car! That old blue pick-up truck, that I remembered calling "Honeycomb," mostly because it smelled like that in there. I couldn't believe it. It was obvious my parents were scheming something against me. At first I didn't recognize the driver, but when he came out of the truck to approach us, my jaw dropped. It was... it was...

"Hey there, Natsume!" my dad called out.

I just wanted the floor to eat me up. Anything. Anything, that would get me out of here.

"How have you been?" my dad said, pulling him into one of those manly embraces. "Look at you! You look so grown up now! Last time we saw you it was in..."

My dad trailed off, realizing that he was going to say, "Tsubasa's funeral." There was an awkward silence before Natsume answered. "I've been well, thank you, Mr. Sakura."

"What's with all the formality? You can now call me, Izumi, since our age gap isn't that too far apart now, eh?"

I covered half my face with my hand. Just let a plane land on me right now.

Natsume chuckled at what my dad said, and my mom pulled him into an embrace. "Nice to see you again, honey. How're your parents?"

"They've been doing good. They're excited to see you again."

I realized that I was up next for some sort of greeting. So I did the lamest thing ever. I waved.

"Jet lag," my mom explained to him, then turned to me. "Mikan Sakura, come over here and give Natsume a hug. You two are practically like brothers and sisters."

Were, I corrected in my head. This was one of those moments when I just want to put a duct tape on my mother's mouth. Seriously. I knew it was her job to embarrass me, but not in front of my brother's best friend, the guy who I was head-over-heals for, for like seven years.

I forced a smile, and went over and gave Natsume a hug. He was much, much taller than me now, so I only got to hug his waist. Not only that, but I felt his abs too. Holy shit, a lot could happen in two years.

"Long time no see," he said, when we were face-to-face again.

"Yeah," I said. "You look... different."

"But in a good way," I quickly added.

"Thanks." He smiled. "You look different too. In good way."

For some bizarre, out of this world reason, that actually made me smile for real.

"I don't know about you guys," my dad said. "But this heat is unbearable. I say let's all get in the truck, and head on to Malibu!"

"Sounds like a plan," my mom agreed. "Natsume, dear, would you mind helping us with the luggage?"

"No problem."

I was about to grab my own suitcase, when I felt a hand holding onto it. It was Natsume. I quickly pulled my hand away, and cursed myself for doing so. "Oh sorry," I told him. "I got it."

"You sure?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

He looked at me one more time, before letting go of my suitcase. "All right. Just tell me if you need help."

I nodded again, and I watched him carry my mom's luggage to the truck. He was wearing a grey tank top, so I couldn't help but notice his biceps. They were large, but not too ripped. He had a perfect body.

I shook my head. What the hell was I thinking? I wasn't in love with him anymore. When I left Malibu, I left my feelings for him as well. He never did find out, which was good, because if he did, this encounter would be way more awkward.

"Mikan?" my mom called. She was already at the truck. "Coming?"

"What choice do I have," I muttered, as I walked over towards the truck and attempted to put my suitcase at the back of the truck. Unfortunately, Natsume beat me to that.

"Oh thanks," I said.

"Sure thing."

My dad was already at the driver's seat, and my mom shotgun. Which meant that it was Natsume and I in the backseat.

"Um, Dad?" I said, as I got in, "Are you sure you still remember the way? Because I have this feeling that we're going to get lost."

"And I'm sure you're tired from your trip," Natsume added. "I'll gladly drive."

"What are you kids talking about? I know this place by heart, and don't worry about me. I'm not tired one bit. Slept through the whole plane ride."

So eventually, I had no other choice but sit next to Natsume. The truck wasn't that big, so both our knees tend to bump against each other while the car was moving. I tried not to make this a big deal by distracting myself. I looked out the scenery at the window, but I could already see the ocean, and I felt my sick to my stomach. It was like I was going to vomit any second now.

"Honey, are you okay?" my mom asked, me from the rearview mirror. "You look sick."

"I'm fine," I said, concentrating at back of Dad's seat. If I kept my attention there, I wouldn't feel sick anymore.

Breathe, Mikan, I told myself. I did some breathing exercises I learned from Sumire (she does yoga), and it calmed me down a bit. My parents didn't know I was afraid of the ocean. They just thought I didn't want to swim anymore.

Meanwhile, I felt Natsume staring at me the whole time, making me more uncomfortable.

My dad pulled off somewhere, so I dared myself to look out. Thankfully, we were at a gas station, and I couldn't see the ocean anymore. But I knew we'd see it again on the way. So for now, I felt relieved.

"This will only take a second," my dad announced, as he got out of the truck to fill it gas.

My mom turned to face me. "Mikan, what's wrong? Is it jet lag?"

I shook my head. "I'm fine, really. Just got a little car sick."

"Are you sure? You look pale. I've got some medicine here..." she said, rummaging through her bag.

"There's no need for that," I told her. "I'm fine."

She looked at me doubtfully, but just decided to let it go. So she decided to bother Natsume instead. "So Natsume," she said. "What are you doing for the summer?"

"I'm working as a lifeguard," he answered. "Since last year, actually."

"That's wonderful! And you're at college, right?"

"That's right. At UCLA."

My mom turned to me. "College. Something that maybe you should start thinking about?"

Why is it that my mom always had to pick on me every chance she got? If she was doing this for the whole summer, I would gladly take the next flight back to Tokyo. "I still have a year in high school left," I told her, still feeling nauseous.

"Yes, but you'll be taking your SAT's next year and you have to-"

"Can we please not talk about that right now? I am tired and sleepy. And can you please give me this only freedom to do what I want before we get there?"

I realized, two seconds late, that Natsume was also in the car. I wanted to kick myself. Wait, I didn't care now. I didn't have feelings for him anymore. What he thinks doesn't matter to me.

"All right," my mom said. "And when we get there, maybe you've changed your view on this trip, as not being a two-month corporal punishment."

"Mom?"

"Yes?"

"Sleeping. And, oh yeah one more thing. Not gonna happen."

My mom just shook her head at me, as my dad got into the car. The truth is, I wasn't tired at all. I didn't know what I was feeling right now. I was nervous, yes. And scared too. And I knew my parents were as well. They just won't let it show. But I can feel it. Besides, it was better sleeping right now, because we were going to pass by the ocean again.

I accidentally glanced at Natsume, and saw that he was looking at me. I cocked my head to side, as if to ask why he was staring, and he just shook his head and looked out the window.

This was going to be a long ride, I thought.

* * *

**Okay so don't hate me if I made Natsume into a sort of good guy. I just thought maybe it would be fun to change their personalities? Idk. Anywho, hoped you liked this chapter :) Xx**


	4. Chapter 4

**Just a little flashback moment. Hope you don't get too bored with this :)**

* * *

_**9 years ago**_

I sat by the window inside our house, watching Tsubasa and his friends play frisbee. I had a fever the day before, but I was fine now. But Mom and Dad still won't let me go outside. And neither did my older brother, Tsubasa. He said that I should do as what Mom says and stay at home. He was out with his best friend, Natsume, our next door neighbor. They were both the same age, so every time I tied to hang out with them, I would always feel left out.

Life was unfair for eight year-olds.

"Mikan, honey," I heard Mom call. "Come eat your soup. Pouting isn't going to make you feel better."

"But I am fine, Mommy!" I said, almost close to tears. "My fever's all gone. I'm not hot anymore."

"Well let me see."

I walked over to my mom and let her put her hand on my forehead. It felt cold. "Hmm," she said after a while. "Seems like you're still a little hot. Now why don't you eat your soup, and take a nap after so you'll feel better tomorrow. That way you can play with Tsubasa."

I sighed, and sat down at my usual place at the dining table. I was feeling perfectly fine today, and I still didn't understand why I wasn't allowed to go outside. I didn't feel sick anymore.

Just then, there was a knock on the door, and Mom opened it. It was my best friend!

"Hotaru!" I exclaimed, getting out of my seat and ran towards her.

"Honey, your soup," Mom said.

"I'll finish it," I told her. "Hotaru! I'm so glad to see you!"

She wasn't wearing her mask anymore, unlike yesterday when she came over. She said she was afraid of germs, and assured me that it wasn't me she was scared of. Hotaru had been my best friend since were toddlers. She was also born here in Malibu like me. When it was just me and her hanging out, she was very talkative, but when we were with other people, she was silent. But that's just how she is, and I love her for that.

"Are you still sick?" she asked.

"No, but Mommy's not letting me out yet. Tomorrow for sure, we can go swimming!"

She smiled. "I hope so. Your brother and his friends kept calling me a loner. But of course, I ignored them."

"They did?" my mom said. "Hmm, don't worry I'll talk to Tsubasa about it."

I frowned. "That's mean. Don't worry, Hotaru. Starting tomorrow, you won't be a loner anymore!"

"We'll see," Mom said. "Now why don't you let Hotaru inside?"

"Oh right, come in. I'm having soup for lunch."

"What kind of soup?"

"Chicken," my mom answered, as she closed the door. "Do you want some?"

"Yes please."

"Yay! A lunch buddy!" I said.

And with that, Hotaru and I finished all the soup that my mom made.

* * *

The next day, I was feeling great. My mom took my temperature before going to work (she was a lawyer), and told me I could go outside today. I immediately called Hotaru, and she told me she'd meet me at the beach.

When I got out of the house, I saw Tsubasa and his friends, Natsume and Ruka, playing a game of frisbee. Tsubasa saw me, and gave me a wave. I waved back enthusiastically. They took a short break from their game, and my brother approached me.

"How's my little sis doing?" he said.

"I'm doing great! Mommy said I didn't have fever anymore and I could go out and play."

"Hmmmm. I would ask you if you want to come and join, but sorry, it's an all boys game today." And with that, he ruffled my hair, and ran back to his friends.

I stuck my tongue out at him, even if he couldn't see me. Just then, I saw Hotaru walking towards our house. I waved at her, and she grinned.

"What should we do today?" she asked me.

"I think we should just hang at the beach."

"Okay. Sounds like a plan."

We sat by the pier, with corndogs and sodas we bought earlier at the snack bar. Tsubasa, Natsume, and Ruka were still playing Frisbee, but they were now in the water. So if the Frisbee was thrown too far, someone had to swim and get it. Hotaru and I were just watching them the whole time.

"Boys are gross," Hotaru said.

I nodded in agreement. "Sharing a bathroom with one if even grosser. Tsubasa always leaves the toilet seat up, and every time I take a bath after him, there's always hair in the drain. Always."

Hotaru made a face. "Ew. Thank God my brother's a thousand miles away."

I just smiled at that. Hotaru's parents got divorced when she was five, and her brother ten at that time. The courts decided that each parent should just take one child for custody, given that they visit each other twice a year. So now, Hotaru was living with her mom here in Malibu, and her brother, Subaru was living with their dad in Washington. That was what she told me, and how her mom explained it. Although, I only understood the part that they weren't living together. I asked Hotaru once about how it felt, and she just said it felt normal. I couldn't imagine Tsubasa being separated from me. We were that close.

"I think your brother's okay, though," Hotaru told me. "He's funny, even if he teases me sometimes. Those friends of his, are whom I find gross."

I laughed. "Yeah, I know what you mean. They're over at my place a lot, and when they play videogames, or watch a movie, they never clean after themselves. And Tsubasa's best friend, Natsume, is weird."

Okay, maybe that was little mean about Natsume, but it was sort of true. Natsume wasn't really weird, just quiet. And every time I talked to him, or would want to actually start a normal conversation, he would either ignore me, or give me one-line answers. It was annoying. But when he was with my brother, they always looked like they were having fun. I wondered of he hates me or something. I didn't like people hating me.

Hotaru let out a snort. "His other friend is even weirder. He's just so hyper all the time. I never saw him not smiling, hopping or skipping or whatever."

We both laughed. "We are so mean," I said.

"I bet they make fun of us too."

"Yeah, I bet."

Hotaru positioned herself to face me. "Okay. Let's pinkie promise. We would never fall for any boy. Ever."

"But what about getting married?"

"We'll think about that when we get there," she said. "But for now, and let's say for the next ten years, we would never like a guy. Promise?"

She pointed her pinkie at me, signaling that I should do the other gesture. I did. "I promise."

Just then, I felt something hard hit my head. I completely lost my balance, and fell into the water.

"Mikan!" Hotaru exclaimed.

It was a good thing I could swim, or this would have been an embarrassing moment. Or worse, I could have drowned.

"What happened?" I gasped, when I reached the surface.

"It's those idiots," Hotaru told me. "A Frisbee hit your head."

I turned around, and saw Tsubasa, Ruka, and Natsume run towards the pier. "Woah, Natsume," Ruka said. "That was a powerful toss."

"Dude!" Tsubasa nudged him, then turned to me. "Mikan, are you hurt? Did that Frisbee hit you hard?"

"I'm fine," I replied.

"Look, I am so sorry," Natsume said. "I didn't mean to hit you, I swear. You okay?"

"I'm fine," I repeated. For some reason, I was blushing. I didn't know why. Well, it is sort of embarrassing to fall in the water just because a frisbee hit your head. Is it? "Do you guys want to join me, or are you going to help me up?"

"Oh right. Sorry, little sis," Tsubasa offered up his hand, but then Natsume told him that he would do it, because it was his fault. I thought maybe he was doing it just because he felt sorry for me, and not really sorry himself. So when he offered his hand, I took it, then pulled him in.

He fell down with a splash next to me, and Tsubasa, Ruka, and Hotaru were laughing. I didn't know what possessed me to do it, since Natsume and I weren't really that close. And he was as older then me. I then wished I didn't do that. What have I done? Oh no, what if he kills me in my sleep?

"Nice one, little sis," Tsubasa guffawed. "Oh, Natsume. You better watch out. Mikan's not so little anymore."

"Oops," I said, when Natsume surfaced. "I didn't mean to." I was pretending to act innocent so maybe he wouldn't kill me. And I sure felt in that moment that he was going to strangle me, but he didn't. He splashed me.

"Hey!"

"Oops, I didn't mean to," he said, imitating my voice. That only made me splash water at him. And before I knew it, we were splashing water at each other.

"Now don't let us miss out on all the fun!" Tsubasa said, and he and Ruka also jumped in the water. I looked at Hotaru. I knew she was having second thoughts, because she didn't like my brother's friends, but I gave her an encouraging look and winked. And before I knew it, she was also swimming with us.

* * *

We were walking home right after sunset and Tsubasa told Natsume to walk me home because he forgot something at Ruka's place so he had to run over and get it. All our houses were literally right next to each other, so running or walking were our forms of transportation. Hotaru went home already, so it was just me and Natsume.

"Look," he said, as we reached our houses. "I really didn't mean to throw that Frisbee at you. Are you sure you're okay?"

I nodded. "Yep. Just a little embarrassed because I fell in the water." I didn't know why I was telling this to him. "And I'm sorry too for pulling you into the water. I don't know what got in to me."

Natsume laughed. He actually laughed. "It's fine. I didn't know you had it in you, little girl."

"I'm not little anymore," I muttered.

"You're always going to be littler than me."

"Yeah, whatever."

"Looks like we're here," he said. "Goodnight, Mikan."

I nodded. "Goodnight." Why was he being nice to me all of a sudden? It was so weird. And also it was weird that I wanted to talk to him more.

"Oh and by the way," Natsume said, when he reached his front porch. "You're actually pretty cool, Mikan."

I didn't have a chance to respond, because he went inside already. He thought I was cool? Natsume Hyuuga thought I was cool? Nobody has ever said that to me before! Well, except Hotaru, but she doesn't count because she's my best friend.

I danced around our front porch, chanting quietly to myself, "I am cool."

"What are you doing?"

I froze, and saw my brother standing there, looking at me with a weird expression on his face. "Oh nothing," I said. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Am I cool to you?"

Tsubasa laughed. "Yeah, sure you are. Now, let's get inside. Unless you wanna get sick again."

I stuck out my tongue at him. "I'm not gonna get sick anymore."

"Let's just go in. You've had enough adventures today."

As I went to bed that night, I still couldn't get out of my head what Natsume said to me. He thought I was cool. I couldn't stop smiling to myself. What was happening to me?

I gasped, and sat up on my bed. I watched this on t.v. already. Those times when I was watching movies with my mom. Usually the girl could not stop thinking about the boy, and she always wanted to be around him and stuff like that. I actually thought it was stupid, and doesn't make any sense. Until now.

Was it possible, that I had a... a... crush? On Natsume? I shook my head. No way. I just promised to Hotaru that I wouldn't fall for any boy. I shook my head and decided to go back to sleep. If I dream about Natsume, I thought to myself, then I do have a crush on him. If I didn't, then I don't like him.

Guess what? I dreamed about him that night.

* * *

**And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how it all began. Lol okay. Is it a bit too young for an eight year-old girl to have a crush? Because my cousin's like six and she likes Justin Bieber. Oh youth.**

**Anywho, will be updating soon :) hoped you guys liked it Xx**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey y'all. Been reading your reviews, and I'm so happy how you're liking it so far. I hope I don't screw it up though. Lol. Anyway, here's the thing. I know everyone in this story seems OOC, but you know, based on the plot this is how they are now. And in the previous chapter, I actually tried put them in character. Like Mikan being lively, and Natsume being a snob and all. And do you remember the quote I put on chapter 3? _"...I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying find it."_ I thought it suited Mikan well, because deep down she wasn't the person who she thought she was now, but she was still the same old, happy Mikan in her childhood.**

**Anyway, the story's just beginning and there will be more chapters to come :) for now, enjoy this one! x**

* * *

I actually fell asleep on the whole ride. It was weird, but I dreamt about my childhood days. Ugh. This place was already messing with my head. I knew we were in Malibu already because I could smell the sea air. It made me want to gag. I was doing this thing again, where I pretended to still be asleep, because I really didn't want my mom telling me to look outside and enjoy the view. Or how, it was good to be back home, yada, yada.

My parents. I haven't heard them say a word, ever since I woke up five minutes ago. Maybe they were remembering too. I wondered how they faked it. Pretending to be happy, when the truth is, everything hurts. It was better being the way I am now. Being an emotionless bitch, who was feeling a lot of pain inside too. Ouch.

Also, I was leaning on Natsume's shoulder right now. And I couldn't move, because they'll know I'm awake, and they're going to start talking to me. I didn't even know how it happened. Oh right, I fell asleep. Damn it. It was a good thing my sunglasses were still on, or else I could have given myself away. I was no good at pretending to sleep, because my eyes would always flutter, even closed. That was how my mom found out I was faking it at the airport.

The car suddenly came to a stop. Oh no, were we here already? I wasn't ready yet. We were right on the beach. And I would see the freaking ocean up close. I was definitely going to throw up. My stomach felt weird already.

Someone was tugging my knee. "Mikan, sweetie. Wake up."

I really didn't want to. I didn't want to step foot on the beach. Then I remembered I was leaning on Natsume.

"Mikan Sakura, if you're messing with me again, I have no choice but to ground you for the whole summer."

I rolled my eyes. I'd like that better than having to step foot on this beach. And she didn't mean it, anyway. What, she dragged me all the way here in Malibu just to ground me? Please.

So, I pretended to just have gotten up and act all embarrassed that I was leaning on Natsume's shoulder this whole time (or I really did feel embarrassed), and muttered an apology to him. He told me not to worry about it, and got out of the truck to help with the luggage.

Wait a minute. Since when did he become such a nice guy? I still hadn't forgotten all the teasing he'd done when we were kids. But then again, it was immature holding a grudge over that, right? And like I told myself, I didn't care anymore.

The beach was full of people today (as always). My mother and I were still in the truck. I wondered how my dad handled it. Maybe held his breath and closed his eyes until he reached the house? But the house was the main part of it all.

"Come on, let's go down," she said.

"I can't." It was the first ever truth that I told my mom about how I really felt.

"What do you mean you can't?" she sounded really impatient, like she thought I was being stubborn again. I couldn't blame her.

"I mean, I can't. I can't get out of this truck. I just can't." I realized I was almost close to tears. Goddammit, Mikan, don't cry, I told myself. I blinked furiously, not allowing the tears to fall.

"Mikan, I don't have time for this," my mom said. "I know you don't like being dragged here, but you have to deal with it. You can't stay in this truck forever."

I felt absolutely sick to my stomach. The ocean was the first thing I was going to see when I get down. I couldn't let them know I was afraid of the it, because they'll bomb me with questions, and I don't think I'll be able to handle that. On the other hand, my mom was right. There was no way avoiding where I was right now.

I took a deep breath before I opened my door, and carefully got down. I felt my feet touch the sand. It was like going down a ladder which was a thousand feet high. Every step had to be careful. Or else you'd fall.

My eyes were closed the whole time, and once I was standing, I dared to open them. I imagined something worse, like maybe fainting, or hyperventilating. But nothing happened. I saw the ocean, wide and blue. The Malibu beach with all those people. It was like I never left. It felt like it was a normal summer day two years ago.

It didn't make any sense. Two years ago right before leaving, I was terrified. And a while ago, I felt like I was going to throw up, just looking at the ocean from afar. Now that I was on the actual beach, I felt... I felt like I was home.

"Honey?" my mom said, looking at me anxiously. "Are you okay?"

I nodded.

"Well, Dad's at the house already. Just come on in when you're ready." She held my hand and gave it a squeeze. I was sort of surprised, but I squeezed her hand back. This was the longest we didn't argue in two years. Or showed any affection at all.

I watched my mom enter the house, and wondered how she was handling it. The truth was, I wasn't ready to go inside yet. And I knew my parents wanted to be alone for a while. I was just leaning against the truck, staring at the beach.

"Missed it, huh?"

I was startled to see Natsume standing beside me, with a reasonable distance, also leaning against the truck. I cleared my throat. "A bit."

"Do you miss him?"

I glanced at him, and stared at the ground. No one has ever asked me that question since he died. Not even my own parents. Before I could answer, he said. "Sorry. That was a stupid question. I shouldn't have-"

"It's fine," I said. "You're just the first person who's ever asked me that. And yes. I do miss him. A lot." That was also the first time I ever said those words aloud. Being here made me miss him more, that it ached.

"Me too."

We just stood there in silence for the next few minutes. I didn't know why he didn't just leave. Was he doing this because he pitied me? That were the worst kind. But for as long as I knew him, he wasn't that type of person. But a lot could change in two years. I mean, look at me.

"So," we both said at the same time. Oh wow how awkward.

"You first," I told him.

He smiled. "Okay, umm. I just wanted to ask about a while ago. In the truck? Are you sure you're okay?"

So he did notice. "Yeah, sure. Like I said, just jet lag."

He frowned. "You looked really sick though. Especially when we were driving through-"

"Look, I'm fine okay?" I said, quickly. "I have to go. My mom might drag me all the way inside if I don't."

I walked to the back of the truck to get my luggage, but it wasn't there.

"Already inside," Natsume said.

"Um, thanks." I gave him a tight smile before walking to our old house.

"Wait!"

I turned around, waiting for his reply.

"What was it that you were going to say?"

I honestly didn't remember, so I came up with something quick. "I'm sorry for leaning on your shoulder." I mentally cursed myself. Real smooth, Mikan. Real smooth.

I was emotionally preparing myself for what was going to happen. I thought that whole encounter with Natsume was just weird and awkward. We never did say a proper goodbye to each other right before I moved, because I just remembered him waving at me from his patio as my family and I drove away. And that was it.

Also, it bothered me that he was being so nice and polite. When we were kids, Natsume wasn't like this at all. Friendly, and helping people, and not complaining when someone leans on him. It was weird. When I realized I had a crush on him back then, I would always beg my brother to take me or include me to wherever or whatever they were going or doing. For some peculiar reason, I couldn't forget that night when I was eight and he called me "cool." I was so happy then. And then after that, he became a snob again. But there were some times that he was genuinely nice. Like that time when he tutored me in Algebra, and Geometry and Trigonometry, and all that. I honestly didn't know why I liked him so much back then. Well, his looks were a big factor. And he even looked better now.

Wait, what the hell? No, Mikan. You don't like him anymore, I thought to myself. Then it hit me. Of course. Why didn't I see it the moment I saw him? He obviously had a girlfriend. Why else would he have a change of heart? It's obviously because of a girl. That actually relieved me, because I had a good reason to stay away from him. I was still keeping that promise to myself: don't get too close to anyone, because you'll just lose them in the end.

When I reached the house, I braced myself for what I was going to see. Would it still be the way we left it two years ago? Then I thought, that would be ridiculous, because someone had to take care of this house even if it was unknown if the owners were coming back at all, right? I took a deep breath, and opened the door.

I gasped. Believe it or not, it was the same.

It was like I just came home from a run on the beach, and not coming back from Tokyo after two years. Although the house was neater, everything still stayed in place. The living room, with the ancient couches, and the t.v. with the video game controls placed on top of it, where it has always been. I walked towards it, remembering all the times Tsubasa and I played using these controls, and sitting on the couches eating junk food. It literally felt like it was just like yesterday, even when it was ages ago. I suddenly missed him. It took all my will to not hold the video game control in my arms.

I just wanted to cry. My parents were upstairs, I guessed, since they obviously weren't down here. And this was just the living room. What more if I went to the kitchen, my room, and his room?

So, I grabbed the video game control that my brother always used (he always won with it), and laid down on the couch, and cried. I wanted him back here with me. I wanted all of this to be a nightmare, everything that happened in the past two years to be a bad dream. I wanted Tsubasa to wake me up by tickling me, and challenging me to a video game that he knew he'd win in, but sometimes let me win.

I wanted my childhood back. My childhood, where my only happiness was walking on the beach and collecting seashells. I cried even harder, remembering all those things. Because I knew, that no matter how I hoped, those things would never happen again.

* * *

I didn't know what time it was, but it was dark out, and I heard rumbling noises from the kitchen. My head was aching so bad, and I felt my eyes were swollen. I was still holding Tsubasa's video game control. I sat up, carefully placed it on the table, and headed for the kitchen.

It was still the same too. It was funny how nothing changed in the things we left, yet we knew how things were much different now. I found my mom, who was by the stove, already cooking.

"Oh hey, honey," she said, when she saw me. She showed no surprise to my haggard look.

I looked around. "Where's Dad?"

"Bought some things at the grocery," she said, lowering the fire, and turning to face me. "Are you okay, Mikan? I saw you..."

"Yeah on the couch. I was tired so..."

She just nodded. I knew that she knew what happened anyway.

"Mom?"

"Yes?"

"Can we go home after Tsubasa's anniversary?"

Her expression was surprised at first, then a little hurt, and now just plain sadness. "Oh honey, I know it's hard. I cried too. But we're staying here for the whole summer. Your father and I already arranged our leave."

"Why did we even come here?" I asked. "And don't tell me it's about Tsubasa's anniversary. I know there's more to that."

My mom sighed, and sat down on the dining table chairs. I mimicked her. "Well," she said, "remember what you told me, about running away and being scared? You were right. It hurt too much to be here after your brother's death. I thought that moving would help me forget the pain I felt when we lost him, and the pain that we're feeling right now, that we're back. But it just made it worse. I realized two years too late that we need to be closer to him, not farther. I don't want to forget him, Mikan. I'm sure none of us do. So, as corny as it sounds, let's just make the most of it, okay?"

I was surprised at how my mom was being so open to me. She never did this before. But we have gone several hours without arguing so I didn't want to ruin anything. "Okay," I replied. "I'll try."

My mom looked surprised too. I knew she was expecting some rude comeback, but I realized I was too tired for that right now. "Thank you. That's all I wanted to hear.

* * *

**This chapter's a bit too serious, don't you think? I apologize for my lame writing here. I was busy for a couple of days, but not to worry. My next update will be very soon ;) x**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey guys :) here's the update (obviously) lol.**

* * *

I woke up the following morning, in a daze. Somehow, it felt strange and comforting at the same time to be back in my old room again. Only now, it was bare unlike before, when it was filled with random posters and pictures. I did have a breakdown when I entered my room again last night. Then, had another one when I went into Tsubasa's room, which was next door to mine. So, I fell asleep crying, and woke up with swollen eyes and a major headache. Is this how it was going to be for the rest of the summer?

As I prepared myself, I realized that yesterday wouldn't change anything. Yesterday was only going to be the day I cried it all out. My mother and I might have gotten along at some moments, but I still wasn't thrilled to be here. I understood what she said about being closer to him, because that was exactly how I felt. But she wasn't forgiven yet. I hated that she took me away from here, and brought me back two years later, hoping to restore things in place. Didn't she realize that things will never be back to normal? Everything has changed. I've changed.

I immediately smelled pancakes from downstairs. They had always been my favorite breakfast, and what my mom would always cook. I put on my outfit for the day ( another black tank top, ripped shorts and army boots-I wasn't wearing flip flops anytime soon), and headed downstairs where my dad was already stuffing himself with pancakes. It was weird to see him still at home so late in the morning, since he always left early for work. My mom was at the kitchen counter, mixing the batter. I was not used to this kind of scene anymore. I actually preferred where my parents would be waiting for me in the living room, a long lecture prepared, but mostly from Mom.

"Good morning, sunshine," my dad greeted. He hadn't called me that since I was five. "How was sleep?"

"Long," I answered, and walked to where the coffee maker was.

"I made pancakes!" my mom said in her most cheerful voice ever, which crept me out a little bit.

"I can see that. I'll just drink a coffee and head on out."

I kept my eyes on the coffee maker so I wouldn't see their reactions. I knew my mom was frowning, and my dad silently finishing his pancakes. "Where are you going?" Mom asked.

I shrugged. "It's Malibu, who knows where I'll end up."

She clicked her tongue. "Okay. But do be here by six in the afternoon. Rie invited us over for dinner."

I froze. It was like someone had poured ice-cold water on me. Rie Imai. Hotaru's mom.

My mom was oblivious to this., and it took me about ten seconds to keep regain my composure. The thing is, I haven't talked to Hotaru since I moved. I was too depressed at that time to check me e-mails, and I also ignored every phone call for me during the first few months in Tokyo. This was one of the situations that I was avoiding. For all I know, Hotaru doesn't give a crap about me anymore. I'm sure she had a new best friend and an awesome life now without her messed up childhood best friend.

"Mikan, did you hear what I said?"

I blinked a few times, and realized that my mom was now staring at me. She sighed exasperatedly. "I said, be home at five-thirty. All right?"

"Five-thirty? Their house is like forty seconds away."

"So you can help with the food we're bringing. It'll be rude to go there empty-handed."

I thought about it. I knew my mom was expecting me to be all goody-goody now just because we saw each other vulnerable yesterday. Not really, Mom.

"Just be there," she said. "Please?"

I gave her a shrug. "No promises." I immediately walked through the back door, and out of the house.

* * *

The beach was full of people again today, but the beach in front of our house wasn't because that part was private property of the homeowners. It was the biggest perk of my childhood. I honestly didn't know where I was going, but I didn't care. I knew I'd end up back home like I always did before.

I let out a frustrated sigh. Why was it I had to relate everything to my childhood? No matter how many times I kept saying to myself that everything was different now, I still found myself remembering, and wishing that things would be the way they were.

"Well they're not," I muttered to myself.

I continued walking along the beach, not actually thinking as to where I was headed. Even if I didn't feel like vomiting anymore, I still didn't like the idea of swimming, or being in the water. I knew that was one fear I couldn't overcome that easily.

As I walked, I spotted Natsume, who was seated on a lifeguard chair on the main beach. So he really was a lifeguard. It felt idiotic going back, so I just walked nonchalantly, pretending not to notice him. Unfortunately, he noticed me.

"Mikan!"

I pretended not to hear him. This was a wrong time to not have brought my iPod. I was already past him, and part of me wanted to make a run for it, but that would definitely ruin being inconspicuous.

"Mikan, hey."

I jumped slightly, startled that he was walking right next to me. He actually chased me? Also, I couldn't help but notice that he was shirtless. Damn these hormones. But I'm a girl. I couldn't help it. "Oh hi," I said, still walking.

"Hey, would you hold on a sec? I'm on break and I don't want to stay too far from my post."

I felt a little irritated. He was the one who chased me in the first place. I ignored him, and walked at a faster pace.

To my surprise, he gently held my shoulder, and that actually caused me to stop. His touch sent electric currents flowing in my body (metaphorically). I didn't like this feeling. "What?" I asked, in a rather irritated tone.

He seemed to be taken aback by my reaction. "Um, nothing. I just wanted to talk to you. I saw you walking and-"

"Why are you being so nice to me?" There. It's about time I get the answer directly from him.

There was a trace of hurt in his eyes, like I've offended him. "What do you mean? Why wouldn't I be?"

I rolled my eyes, and crossed my arms over my chest. "Well for starters, you were a total snob and cold towards me when we were kids. And when you're not ignoring me, you tease me until I want to cry. And now you're all gentlemanly and nice. And you're an actual lifeguard. Wow." Okay, the crying part wasn't really true, because I was twelve to fifteen years old when the teasing began. But there were some times that I felt like crying.

"But that was a long time ago!"

"Two years," I reminded him.

"Well, can't a person change? I've been meaning to ask you the same thing. When we were kids you were happy and energetic and cheerful. But now you're so... uptight."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah. You weren't like this two years ago. You look so closed, and indifferent. You're wearing all that make up, and seriously, boots on a beach?"

I looked down at my shoes, suddenly becoming conscious, then decided not to be. "Why do you care? What, is the lifeguard now a fashion police too? Am I not allowed on the beach anymore? Fine then, I'll go." I turned my back at him, and walked faster than I did earlier. I was actually pissed. He calls me uptight then judges on my looks and footwear? The nerve of that guy.

"Wait! Mikan!"

I came to a stop and let out a frustrated sigh. I just wanted to get this over with and be far away from him as possible. I stared at him, waiting for whatever he was going to say.

Natsume walked over to me. "Look, I'm sorry. I didn't- I wasn't-" he sighed. "Okay, here's the thing. I know that-"

"Natsume!"

He looked over his shoulder, and I saw a girl who looked like my age, running towards us. At first I thought that she was his girlfriend, and I was about to leave. But as she came closer, I recognized her.

"Natsume," she said, panting, when she finally reached us. "Mom asked me to... run all the way at your post because she wanted you to get something after work... but you weren't there, so I had to find you... and... and..."

She stopped talking, and looked at me. Her eyes widened and she gasped. "Mikan?"

"Aoi?"

She let out a squeal, and embraced me. "Oh my God, it is you! I'm so glad to see you! Natsume said that you came back yesterday, and I wanted to visit you but he told me to give you space so you could get adjusted in your house again. I missed you so much!"

I smiled, and patted her back. "Me too." Aoi was Natsume's younger sister, and was younger than me by three years. She was only fourteen, but she was as tall as I was already. I always had a soft spot for her, because I'd always wanted a little sister before and sometimes I'd babysit her. She was a really sweet person, and very likable. I couldn't imagine someone hating her. I really did miss her.

Aoi stepped back, and looked at me. "Wow, you haven't changed a bit. You're still really pretty."

That was just the kind of thing Aoi would say. "You're prettier, Aoi," I told her, "Really." She had the same crimson eyes as her brother, and her long hair which was naturally black, was now a brownish color like it always had been during the summer. She was also a bit tan, but it suited her. While I looked pasty, and my straight brown hair which was lighter than Aoi's, matched my eyes, which were hazel.

She blushed. "Hearing that coming from you, makes it seem like it's actually true."

"It is."

Her expression became serious for a moment. "Look, I'm really sorry about-"

"Aoi," Natsume cut in. "What does Mom want?" I saw him give her a look, and she got the hint.

"Oh, she said you should buy dinner since our stove's broken. She told me anything would be good as long as we don't starve."

"Is pizza okay?"

Aoi's eyes brightened. "More than okay!"

Natsume laughed, and ruffled her hair. It made me swallow the lump that was now in my throat. Their brother-sister relationship reminded me of my relationship with Tsubasa. He would always ruffle my hair like that, and embrace me after. It was somehow painful watching Natsume and Aoi.

"I better go back home," Aoi told Natsume, then turned to me. "We should really hang out sometime okay?"

"Definitely," I replied.

She gave me a huge grin, and waved goodbye to both Natsume and I.

"You didn't have to do that," I told Natsume, once Aoi left.

"Do what?"

"Cut her off. I knew what she was going to say."

"Oh," he said. "Well, I'm sorry. Listen, I have to get back to my post now. But I'll see you around?"

"We're neighbors," I reminded him.

"Right. But I mean, around here on the beach. Aren't you going swimming?"

I glanced at the ocean. "Not today." Or any day, for the rest of the summer, I wanted to add.

"All right then. I'll see you later."

I nodded, and with a wave, he walked back to his post.

* * *

For the rest of the day, all I did was walk around town, remembering all the places I always went to when I was a kid: Tony's Ice Cream Shop, the Malibu Diner, Ray's Pizza Palor. They were all still there. Most of the places my family and I went to were restaurants or fast food chains, because my brother and I loved those. I also went to those places with Hotaru.

I sighed, thinking about her. It was already five in the afternoon, and I was at the pizza parlor. I just wanted some time to be alone, to actually think. I was really nervous about seeing her again. Would she still talk to me? I mean, we haven't spoken to each other in two years. That has to mean our friendship was over. Maybe she thought I'd forgotten all about her. But I really didn't. She was the one who tried to keep in touch the moment I moved to Japan. She sent me e-mails, texts, and long distance phone calls which I ignored since I was too busy being miserable. That was during the first six months that we moved there. Then after that, the e-mails, texts, and phone calls stopped. I wanted to e-mail her then, and apologize for my shitty behavior. But then I figured, maybe she'd stopped keeping in touch because she was sick of it. Maybe she was mad at me. So I decided, to not do anything about it anymore.

That's when Sumire and I became closer. Hotaru and Sumire were two different people. And I found myself comparing them from time to time. Hotaru was quiet, Sumire was the complete opposite. She loves being center of attention, and always wanting to be noticed. Hotaru was smart (academically and non-academically), Sumire, not so much. You'd know right away when Hotaru was sincere, but when it came to Sumire, you had to pay close attention if she really was listening to you, or if she was lying. With Hotaru, I never felt pressured, because she never asked me to do anything I couldn't do. While with Sumire, I knew I had to do some things she asked of me to keep our friendship intact. But other than that, Sumire wasn't all that bad, and she was the only thing I could lean on when I felt alone in Japan. She made me feel like life didn't totally suck.

I knew Hotaru would hate me. There was no doubt about it. So, what was the point in actually going to that dinner?

* * *

**Sorry I had to cut it there. Next chapter coming soon Xx**

**P.S. Have you guys watched Iron Man 3 yet? Well if you haven't, you're missing out on some pretty epic stuff. Go watch it now! :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey loves, another blast from the past. Ew I'm so corny, I suck.**

* * *

_**4 years ago**_

Tsubasa had a girlfriend.

At first, I didn't know what to feel about this, because it was all too sudden. That or, I wasn't paying close attention. MY brother was good-looking and all, but when he hit the 'teens' age, he wasn't interested in any girl. But a lot of girls were interested in him. Whenever someone asked him out, he would always turn them down (nicely of course). Tsubasa wasn't into dating, since hanging out with his guy pals made him contented. That went on for a few years, until he turned sixteen.

I was thirteen already, and the only boy I was interested in was my brother's best friend. And I've been crushing on him for five years already. Not that I was proud of it, because trust me, I never planned on it to happen. I never actually told anyone. Not even my best friend. I just couldn't. I still remembered that pinky promise we made when we were eight that we would stay away from boys. And on that day we made that pact, that was the day I realized I liked him. As in, _liked _him, liked him. Natsume was still the same. Reserved, and sometimes cold. But there were some times that he acted like an actual human being. He actually teases me now. That had to be an improvement compared to when we were kids wherein he always ignored me.

Anyway, back to my brother. He and his girlfriend have been dating since the start of summer (it was September now), and the way I found out about it was... memorable. In a cringe-worthy way. The main thing was, I found them making-out on the couch when I got home from Hotaru's one afternoon. I had never seen my brother so embarrassed. But it was just me, his little sister. Most brothers would've thrown a t.v. remote at me or something. But Tsubasa wasn't like most brothers. Instead, he was the one who apologized instead of me, and introduced me to her. Her name was Misaki Harada, and she was in the same grade as my brother. I've seen her sometimes outside the high school building, with a bunch of people always with her. I immediately thought she was one of those snotty, popular people when I saw her at my house that day, because she looked like it. She had light reddish, layered hair that reached her shoulders, the lightest shade of brown eyes, and she was tall and skinny. But it turned out she was really nice, and I immediately liked her for my brother. He formally introduced her to our parents that night.

Now, I was at school on a Monday, after class, waiting for my brother to pick me up. Since our house was on the beach, our school was in the main city, and it was sort of a long distance to our house, so Tsubasa had to drive both of us. Although right now, I have been standing outside the school for twenty minutes. He wasn't usually this late.

I started to worry, because he promised we would go out for pizza after school today, and he never turned down a commitment.

Just then, I saw our family truck (which Tsubasa drives because Mom and Dad had their own company cars, so the truck was for personal uses), and I felt relieved. But when it pulled over in front of me, I had not been expecting Natsume coming out of the driver's seat.

My heart suddenly pounded faster, like it usually did every time I saw him. "Hey, what are you-"

"Tsubasa had this project he had to finish today," he said. "So he asked me if I could pick you up. Also, he said he was sorry you guys couldn't go out for pizza today, and I could take you out if you wanted."

I felt my cheeks flush. Me and Natsume alone? As much as I wanted that to happen, I would just end up embarrassing myself and making things awkward. "No, that's fine," I said. "We can always go on another day. But wait, how is he getting home?"

"He said he'll get a ride," he said in a bored tone. "Come on."

I climbed onto the passenger's seat, and Natsume and I drove in awkward silence. It was only awkward for me though, since he was clearly not interested in talking. So I was shocked when he started a conversation.

"So how was school?" he asked.

I stifled a laugh. "Um what?"

He sighed. "School. Your day? I'm trying to make an effort here."

"I'm sorry, but you sound exactly like Mom. But to answer your question, school was school. We had this pop-quiz in Algebra that I think I would fail in."

"How could you fail Algebra? It's the easiest math class."

I frowned. "Well, not for a seventh grader like me. You're in high school. Plus you're smart, so of course you think it's easy."

We stopped at a red light, and he glanced at me, smirking. "You think I'm smart?"

My cheeks flushed again. Darn it, did I say he was smart? God, why am I so stupid around him? "Well...yeah. Tsubasa said you were always top your class, so I guess that makes you smart."

"Huh."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

The light turned green then, and Natsume didn't say anything until we reached the highway that led to our neighborhood. That lasted for about five minutes. "I just had this idea," he said, nonchalantly.

"What is it?"

"Nothing. Forget about it."

I pouted at him. "Oh come on! That's so unfair. Tell me!"

"Nope."

I was so annoyed at that point, that I crossed my arms over my chest and slumped in my seat. It was something I always did since I was five, and I guess I hadn't grown out of it yet.

Natsume gave me a quick glance. "Oh quit acting like a baby. You're thirteen years old, Mikan, for God's sake."

Despite the fact that the way he said my name put butterflies in my stomach, I didn't respond.

He sighed. "I did not sign up for a babysitting job, so stop acting like one."

Ouch. That one stung a little. No matter what, I'd always be his best friend's little sister. So it was definitely better this way, to keep my feelings hidden for the rest of my life. I still didn't answer.

He didn't say anything either, so we drove in silence until we reached our houses. Natsume parked the truck right in front of ours.

"Thanks," I muttered, as I got out the truck. I expected him to tell me to wait, so he could tell me what he was going to say earlier. But he didn't. He just nodded in reply and got out of the truck too.

About five seconds while I walked to my house, I cracked. "Natsume, just please tell me!"

Natsume, who was already at the patio of his house, looked surprised by my outburst. "What are you talking about?"

He was doing this on purpose. I knew he was. Without knowing, I ran to his patio so we wouldn't have to shout at each other. "The thing that you were going to say earlier, that you didn't say. Tell me now!"

"Mikan, it's nothing. Geez, why are you acting like a five-year old?"

"Because you won't tell me!" Okay, I knew I was acting way immature, but I couldn't think of another tactic for him to spill it out.

He sighed in defeat. "All right fine! It's a stupid idea anyway."

"Just tell me," I said, gritting my teeth.

"Okay, remember earlier when you were talking about algebra class and all that?"

"Did you just say 'all that?'"

He glared at me. "Do you want me to tell you or not?"

"I'm sorry. Yeah, of course I remember. Duh, it was like twenty minutes ago.

Natsume smirked at me, the kind of smirk that actually made me speechless. Curse you, feelings. "Well, Einstein," he said. "I thought that maybe I could tutor you."

I swear, my jaw dropped about four feet onto the ground. "T-tutor me?" I stammered.

"Yes. Didn't you hear what I said?" He sighed. "Anyway, like I said, it's a stupid idea. I'm busy with school too. So, are you happy now? If you'll excuse me, I am in dire need of a nap." He turned his back to me, and opened the door. He was about to go inside before I shouted, "Wait!"

He turned around again to face me, with a confused expression. "What do you mean, 'wait?' I already told you-"

"I think I do need a tutor," I said. I felt my face getting hotter each second. The truth is, I actually do need the tutoring. Plus, I get to spend some time with him...

Natsume just looked at me as if I was a stray puppy that wanted him to take me home but he couldn't. "Mikan-"

"Look, if I fail Algebra this semester, then my parents will never let me out of the house this summer. So, I really need your help. I'll even pay for it. Okay, maybe Mom will, but you know what I mean."

He thought about it for a few seconds. "Okay, deal. I'll tutor you, but I don't want money. It doesn't feel right."

"Then what do you want me to do in return?" I asked.

"How about you look after Aoi for a week."

"Aoi?" I was a bit confused. "But she's ten already. Won't she hate it if someone babysits her? I mean, I would be if someone did that to me at that age."

"You're not going to babysit her," he said. "Just keep her company. My parents are going out of town next week, and I've got a ton school work, so I'm going to be busy."

"Oh. Well sure. I'd love to baby- I mean, 'keep her company', in exchange for your tutoring services."

Natsume rolled his eyes at me. "You talk too much, kid. We have a deal."

"Right. I'm going to get at least a B right?"

"I'm going to tutor you, not be your fairy godmother. But I think you're not a completely hopeless case, so maybe a B-minus."

I stuck out my tongue at him. Did he have to make fun of me every chance he got?

"Real mature, Mikan."

Without another word, I walked off his front porch, and headed to my house.

"Oh, and don't forget four o'clock sharp tomorrow!" Natsume called out. "And if you're late, deal's off."

With my back still turned to him, I raised my right hand for a thumbs-up. It was when I was already inside the house, in the safety of my room, did I have a chance to react. I immediately flopped to my bed, buried my face into a pillow, and screamed.

Natsume was going to be my tutor. We were going to be alone. Just the two of us. Well, not that type of alone of course. But something like that. This was almost a dream come true, since you know, I dream about him sometimes. And daydream most of the time. I was truly looking forward to tomorrow.

* * *

It was Saturday night already, meaning it was family-dinner-with-a-few-friends night. Our family usually eats at a fancy restaurant every week, and Tsubasa and I could bring one close friend along. This started when I was eleven when this new, fancy, French restaurant called La Cuisine just opened up in town. My family insisted we try it, so we did, and we fell in love with their food instantly. We've been going there every Saturday night ever since.

I always brought Hotaru with me, of course, and Tsubasa always brought Natsume (and that's one of the reasons why I look forward to Saturday nights). But this week, Tsubasa brought along Misaki.

"Don't get me wrong, Tsubasa," I told him, as I waited outside his room while he was getting ready. Since it was a fancy restaurant, we had to look the part too. Usually, I was always the last one to get ready, but since it was Misaki my brother was bringing, he had to look perfect. "But is Natsume okay with this?"

"What do you mean?" I heard him walking around his room.

"I mean, you always brought him for dinner. Not that I don't like Misaki, because she's great and you two look good together, but even if Natsume won't admit it, I know he likes going to these dinner things we have."

It was true. I always saw a sparkle in his eyes whenever our family would go out and he was included. Even on vacations.

I heard Tsubasa chuckle. "Mikan, we're big boys now. We don't get upset over that stuff. Besides, Natsume said he was cool with it. I could always take him next week, and then Misaki again the week after. No big deal."

"Oh." I tried to hide the disappointment in my voice. It was a good thing Tsubasa was so busy right now, or else he'd know something was up. My brother was the last person that should know about how I feel for Natsume.

"Speaking of Natsume," Tsubasa said. "How's the tutoring?"

I immediately blushed at that, like I always do when I hear his name. "Great," I replied. "I'm actually starting to not hate algebra." I actually thought my tutoring with Natsume was going to be awkward, but it wasn't. He wasn't one of those tutors who have slow patience. He didn't seem like the arrogant Natsume that I always see. For some reason, I felt that the way that he was with me while tutoring me, was the real him. I then realized that after ten years of knowing him, I really didn't know anything about him at all.

* * *

**Actually, there's going to be more chapters about ze past later on. But the next chapter will be the present. And that will come very soon. I tend to write what I daydream about, and sometimes I daydream something awesome from out of the blue, and when I start typing to later, I forget all about it. It sucks. Lol feeling like a legit writer. Anywho, hope I'm not boring you guys too much. 'Til the next update! Xx**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey guys. My summer is so effin' boring so I spend the whole day in my room, typing away. Here's one product. Enjoy :)**

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"Mikan?"

I looked up from my phone, where I was reading my conversation with Sumire, because what else was I supposed to do at a place with no reception? I was startled to see three guys standing in front of my table. They all looked oddly familiar. The guy who was in the middle, who I think said my name, was tall, had dirty blonde hair and big brown eyes. The two guys with him almost looked like twins. The one on the right had spiky blonde hair, while the one on the left, had light brownish hair.

I must have looked pretty shocked and confused because the guy in the middle introduced himself. "You don't remember me? I'm Tobita Yuu. And I'm pretty sure you're Mikan Sakura."

That name rang a bell. It took me two seconds to finally recognize them. "Oh. Tsubasa went to school with you guys."

The guy on the right, who I remembered as Kokoro Yome, snickered. "Went to school with? Pft, you make us sound like losers."

"I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"Nah it's cool," Kitsuneme, the guy on the left said. "He's only kidding."

Tobita gave me a once over. "Wow, it really is you. For a minute there we thought you were a ghost or something..."

There was an awkward silence of three seconds, until I spoke up. "Um, I think I'm still alive?"

"Of course you are!" Koko said. "It's just um, we... well..."

"Look we're sorry about what happened to your brother," Tobita told me, his eyes serious. "We really are."

I nodded. The last time I heard those words, "I'm sorry" was two years ago. When it happened. I kept on hearing it everywhere. In Tokyo, nobody felt sorry for me. And that was the way I liked it. But hearing it now, again, made it lose its meaning.

These three guys weren't even that close with my brother. Tsubasa was actually part of the popular crowd in high school (me finding out when I stepped foot in the ninth grade), and he wasn't the kind to brag about it, because he honestly didn't care. He was popular because of what he does: class president, captain of the swim team, top of his class, etc. Tobita, Koko and Kitsuneme were all part of the football team, Tobita being the captain. They invited Tsubasa and Misaki to one party once, when they were both juniors while Tobita and his gang, seniors. That was one point in my life where I was disappointed in my brother. He got in so much trouble that night and was grounded for a month because he came home drunk, and I think stoned as well. He told me later on what happened, when he remembered it. I hated those guys who did it to him ever since. And now, they were here, and not actually being jerks. Sort of.

Tobita actually sat on the chair across from mine. "So, Mikan. What brings you here? I heard you left or something."

"Actually," I told him as I got up from my seat, "I was just leaving."

I didn't know where to actually go, but home wasn't an option. And besides, I didn't like the way Tobita made me feel uncomfortable.

"Wait!"

I dared myself to turn around.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Anywhere but here."

A small smirk crossed his face. "I know exactly the perfect place."

* * *

I couldn't believe this.

Half an hour ago I was itching to escape Tobita and his creepiness, but now we were at this bar somewhere downtown, and he was buying me a drink. Koko and Kitsuneme were on the dance floor for the last hour.

"What would you like?" Tobita asked me.

"To get out of here," I said. "I don't drink."

He laughed. "Yeah okay. I'll just order for you, is that okay?"

I glanced at him sharply. "What do you think you're doing?"

"What do you mean? I'm buying you a drink."

"Why the hell did you bring me here?" I demanded.

Tobita smiled and shrugged at the same time. "I don't know, it seemed like you wanted to get away from something or avoiding it. And this is where I always go when I feel that way. It's like my sanctuary."

I laughed humorlessly. "You don't know anything about me."

"I know that you were Tsubasa's goody-two shoes little sister, who is always happy about everything."

I snorted.

"But now, you're this rebellious teenager who thinks she's better than everyone else."

It irked me that he thought that he knew me so well, and that he could read me like I was on open book. "Wrong. I'm a normal teenager who is being held hostage at a bar while a stranger tries to hit on me. It's sickening really."

He actually chuckled. "I think you're the stranger here. And I didn't hold you hostage. You could have said no. But you didn't say anything so I took that as a yes."

"That was me being utterly surprised and pissed at the same time."

"Now I know."

I didn't respond and observed my surroundings. As much as I'd hate to admit it to Tobita, I was relieved that he brought me here. This was definitely my escape place. It made me miss Tokyo.

"Here." Tobita was holding out a glass that definitely reeked of alcohol, towards me. I actually didn't drink when I was in Tokyo, because I observed that it made someone act like a total fool. I did try a few times, but it was only when Sumire was in one of her dramatic meltdowns, and I felt like I had to drink with her. But I've never been drunk before. Nor did I do drugs. Yep, I was the lamest rebellious teenager on the planet.

"What is that?" I asked, even when I knew exactly what it was.

"Vodka. C'mon try it."

"I've already tried it. Not much thrill."

"Oh. Should I get a different one?"

I grabbed the drink quickly from his hands, and took in a huge gulp. The alcohol sent sparks in my body. Now I knew why people thought of it as an escape. Because it made me forget everything for even just a second.

Tobita was watching me with amused eyes. "Or you could gulp it down. How old are you, Mikan?"

"Seventeen." I took another gulp, and the drink was finished. I signaled the bartender to give me another one.

"You're underaged? I thought you were eighteen."

"If you did the math, you're the same age as my brother who was three years older than me. Why? Does my age suddenly make me lame?"

He scooted closer to me, and whispered in my ear. "Nope. You can definitely pull-off eighteen. And older."

My drink came then, and I drank it all in one sitting. I asked for another one. I was already feeling a bit lightheaded, but I liked this feeling. It was the first time I felt numb.

"You're quite the drinker," Tobita commented.

"Actually I'm not," I said. "Back in Tokyo I never drank. Or I did a few times. But I didn't like it. Now, I love it. It's awesome."

"So you moved to Tokyo, huh?"

"Yeah." Another glass of vodka was placed in front of me, and I drank, but didn't finish it. "My parents are such cowards. We moved right after Tsubasa died. They said they couldn't concentrate on their work, so we fled to Tokyo. Can you believe it? Of all places. But surprisingly, I love it there." I realized this was the first time I ever told anyone about that. And of all people, it had to be Tobita. A guy I barely knew.

"So what brings you here again?" he asked.

"My parents are saying it's because of Tsubasa's anniversary, but I honestly think they're trying to punish me." I took another gulp of vodka. "See, I wasn't the daughter they wanted me to be. I always partied and came home late. That started when we moved to Tokyo. So if you look at this in all angles, it was their fault to begin with."

He nodded. "Yeah, I feel you. My parents want me to go to business school so I can take over my dad's company. Hell no. I don't know what to do in my life yet, so I'm just having fun right now."

"What did you parents say?"

"I don't know. I moved out last year. I got my own condo with my trust fund. It was supposed to be for college, but I'm not going there."

"Wow. Business school and a trust fund. Must be living the good life."

"Not even close. I have to get an actual job and pay bills. Do you know how hard that is?"

I shook my head, and giggled. Then, we both burst out laughing.

I took a last gulp of my drink. "Life sucks."

"You're telling me," Tobita said. He pointed to my empty glass. "Do you want some more?"

I handed it to him. "Yes please."

Three more drinks later, I actually felt like I was floating. Tobita was actually a normal person to talk to. Or maybe it was because I was drunk? After my seventh drink, Tobita's chair was already right next to mine. He leaned to me and whispered in my ear. "Do you wanna get outta here?"

I nodded. "Yes. Take me back to Tokyo."

He chuckled. "I meant, this bar. If you don't want to go home tonight, my place has a lot of free space."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying, that we-"

He stopped talking, and had on a terrified expression on his face. He was looking behind me. I turned around and saw Natsume walking towards me. I thought I was seeing things, so I blinked my eyes a couple of times. But it was real. It was like being in a nightmare, and daring myself to wake up, but I couldn't. Natsume was standing right in front of me.

While I knew my mouth was gaping open like a fish, Tobita seemed casual about it. Almost like he was used to seeing Natsume in places like these. "Oh hey, man. What's up?"

Natsume ignored him and turned to me. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

I have to be completely honest. The coldness in his voice made me freeze for a millisecond. Then, I laughed. "Are you dumb? As you can obviously see, I am here having fun! You should try it sometime."

"Aren't you supposed to be somewhere else right now? Or let's say six hours ago?"

I cocked my head to side. "What are you talking about?"

Natsume sighed angrily. "Your mom called me. She wanted to know if I knew where you were. I was about to go out searching for you, but eventually you're here at some bar with a guy you barely know."

"Um dude?" Tobita said. "Sitting right here."

Natsume glared at him, and that made Tobita shut up. I replayed what Natsume said in my head. Mom called him? This made me laugh out loud. "So what, you're my babysitter now?" I said. "Classic."

"Look. Your mom told me that as soon as I find you, I bring you home. Let's go." He grabbed my wrist, and I furiously pulled back.

"I'm not coming with you."

"Mikan, I don't have time for this. Come on." He started reaching for my wrist again, and I pulled back harder, getting up from my seat in the process. I was now facing him.

"No."

He didn't say anything, and reached for my wrist one more time. Suddenly, Tobita also stood up from his seat. "Hey, stop it man," he said. "She said she doesn't want to go. And why are you doing this? Don't you already have-"

Natsume shot him a cold, hard glare and spoke to him in a low menacing voice. "Stay out of this, Tobita."

Tobita immediately retreated. Natsume grabbed my wrist again, and managed to pull me out of the crowd of people already watching. He led us to his truck, and opened the passenger door. "Get in," he ordered.

My head was already throbbing, and I felt woozy so I was too tired to argue. I did what he said.

"Are you kidnapping me?" I said, after a few minutes of silence. "Where are you taking me?"

"Home." His reply was cold.

My head was leaned against the car window, so I sat up to look at him. "Home? Where the hell is that?" I let out a laugh. "Because for the past fifteen years of my life, I thought this place," I gestured around the truck, "was my home. And then we move to Tokyo, and I've thought of it as my home for two years of my life. And now I'm back here, while I left my well-adjusted and fabulous life in Tokyo. So I don't think I have a home. I'm homeless." I laughed out louder.

Nastume didn't say anything, but just looked straight ahead. I slammed my head back to the window. It didn't even hurt. There were a few more moments of silence until his phone rang. He answered it.

"Hello? Yeah, I know I'm so sorry... No, it was an emergency. I'll explain it all tomorrow... Yes, I'll call you right away. Bye."

"Ooohhh," I sang, genuinely curious. "Who was that?"

"No one."

I gasped, loudly. "Is that... your GIRLFRIEND?"

Natsume didn't answer me again. "Ha! I knew it. You do have a girlfriend. Now I know why you're being so nice. It's because of a GIRL!" I laughed. "Oh my God, I am so freaking smart."

Silence.

"FYI," I said, "you're not being so nice right now. Man, you are so weird! I thought you were a good guy now, but then you decide to become a raging monster. What's it gonna be?"

"Where were you supposed to be tonight?" he asked, clearly changing the subject.

"Who the hell knows," I replied. "Not me."

"Your mom said something about a dinner. Where was it?"

"Why do you care?" I demanded. "It doesn't matter to me, so definitely won't matter to you."

He sighed. "Fine."

"But if you must know," I said. "It was supposed to be at Hotaru's place."

"Is that why you didn't go?" His tone was soft, like he felt sorry for me. It irritated me. I didn't need anybody's sympathy. The nerve of him.

"Stop acting like you know me," I said, sharply.

"I do know you, Mikan. I've known you for years."

"You know the old me. You know nothing about the new me."

"The new you?" he said, in a mocking tone. "There is no old or new you. You're still Mikan. Only now, you're hiding."

There he was again, trying to figure me out like I was some sort of ridiculous puzzle. I was about to say something else, but we already came for a stop. We were now in front of my house. Natsume got out, and helped me get up from the ground, since I think I fell or something. "Are you okay?"

I shook of his hold on my shoulders. "Just leave me alone, you jerk."

"Wow, I help you get home and you call me a jerk. Well, you're welcome."

I wasn't listening to him, because my stomach felt weird, and I felt like something was coming up. Before I knew it, I vomited. On Natsume.

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**I wrote this after watching an episode of the carrie diaries so... yeah idek what I'm saying. Am I weirding you guys out? Because if I am, well then I'll stop. Not with the story of course, but with the random ramblings. Okay bye :) xx**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey hey! Happy Mother's Day to all the mommas out there! Here's a chapter that contains mothers in it. Lol okay. Enjoy! x**

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Welcome to my mornings. Where a piercing headache was always the first thing I wake up to. This time, it was as if someone was literally punching my head. It was throbbing like crazy. My head was still buried in the pillows and I honestly didn't feel like getting out of bed. Like ever. What happened yesterday? All I remembered was seeing Tsubasa's old classmates and...

Holy. Shit.

I jolted right out of bed when it all came flooding back. Then, regretted it two seconds later, because my head started to ache more. But that didn't matter. I drank last night. I had been drunk. And for the epic finale, I threw up on Natsume. What in God's name was I thinking? This was why I don't get drunk. This was just the type of situation that I wanted to avoid. So far, that was all I could remember. God knows what spilled out from my mouth last night. Besides the vomit.

I cringed. How was I going to face Natsume now? Then I remembered. I had something more challenging to face, and they were right downstairs. I wondered how mad my parents were. I expected for my mom to yell and my dad to give me disappointed looks. I listened carefully. Obviously, they were in the kitchen having breakfast. For some reason, I was nervous. I've never been this nervous when they'd give me lectures back in Tokyo. Well, maybe I did know the reason. I crossed the line last night. If they were already upset enough that I party and come home late, what more if I partied, and came home late drunk.

But before anything else, I knew I looked like I've been living on the streets for a week so I got out of bed, took a quick shower and put on fresh clothes. My head was still throbbing, and if my mom yells at me then I'd think it would explode.

I took a deep breath before opening my bedroom door, and went down the stairs as quietly as possible. Maybe I could sneak out the front door and...

"Mikan?"

Too late. My mom's voice was emotionless, so that made the situation worse because I had no idea what was going to happen. I entered the kitchen to find my parents sitting across from each other on the dining table, with one cup of coffee each in their hands. No one was saying anything, so I started.

"Look, I just want to say-"

"Sorry that you came home late?" Mom said, sharply. "Or that you were drunk? Or how about embarrassing your father and I in front of Rie and Hotaru? Or that we tried to call you but you weren't picking up? Oh how about making Natsume go through all that trouble?"

I was actually taken aback that I didn't know what to say. My mother was really furious this time. Like she couldn't believe I would actually go that far. "I really am sorry," I said. "I know I screwed up and-"

"Screwed up? I don't think you screwed up. I think you're doing this on purpose because you're unhappy with-"

"I'm not," I interjected. "I didn't mean for things to happen last night. I just, I wasn't thinking."

She shook her head. "So you expect me to believe that what happened last night was just an accident? Do you not know that we waited two hours for you? Eventually we had to eat because the food was getting cold. Don't give me the excuse that you weren't thinking, Mikan. Because you thought about the choices you made. You could have come home early like what I asked you but you didn't. You made a choice. And you have to pay for that."

This was the problem with having a mom as a lawyer. She was always right. And I hated that. For a second, anger washed through me. Nobody asked me if it was okay to have dinner with Hotaru and her mom. Nobody asked me if it was okay to come back here in the first place. But then I decided to let it go, because this was already as complicated as it was.

"Okay," I finally said. "How many weeks am I grounded? Or maybe months?"

My mom now stood up and faced me. "Honey, it's summer. Of course we wouldn't ground you. Your father and I decided that you're going to get a job."

I did not expect that. "A job?"

"Yes, a job. You know, working for a living."

"But I had a job in Tokyo!"

"A job that you hardly even go to," my dad said, speaking for the first time. "We want you to get a real job. Here."

I looked at him, then at my mom. "What kind of job?"

"Anything you'd like," Mom said. "As long as it doesn't involve any alcoholic surroundings."

Alcoholic surroundings? Did she think I was an addict or something. "Mom, drinking was a mistake. I'm not doing that ever again."

She sighed ruefully. "I hope so. Oh and one more thing. You have to go to Rie's house and apologize."

Oh no. "Now?"

"Yes, now. It's the least that they deserve after going through all that trouble."

I gulped. That meant I had to see Hotaru as well. And talk to her. With this headache, I wasn't sure I could deal with any more confrontations. But for some reason, I really wanted to make it up to my mom. Pissing her off wasn't my hobby anymore. I guess. I was going to get a new hobby anyway. My job.

I skipped breakfast and headed out of the house so I could get everything over with already. When I came out and saw Natsume outside of his house, I knew Hotaru and her mom weren't the only people I owed an apology to. He was seated on the chair on their patio, drinking coffee and clearly immersed in a book. This whole scene seemed a little strange to me, because back then Natsume never came out of his house this early in the morning just to read. Heck, he never came out of the house before ten. I knew he loved reading though. I always thought that was what made him smart. I shook my head. Wait, I came here to apologize. Not take a trip down memory lane. He eventually saw me and gave me small wave. I took this as my signal to approach him.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey." He motioned to the chair beside his, so I sat down. He closed his book and set in on another chair. "So, how much trouble are you in?"

There was a hint of teasing in his voice, and I should have been annoyed, but I wasn't. Surprisingly. "If you consider getting a job as a punishment, then yeah I'm in way too deep."

"You're not grounded or something?"

"No. Mostly because I think my parents knew I would prefer being locked up at home than going out of the house."

He looked at me carefully. "Why is that?"

Because I hate it here. "Because the moment I stepped out of the house was when things started to mess up."

He didn't say anything, so I took this moment to apologize. "Look, about last night. I'm really sorry that you had to go through all that trouble. And if I did say something horrible or any sort of nonsense, I probably didn't mean it. Oh, and one more thing. I'm so sorry for throwing up on you."

He grinned. "No worries. I'm sure you had a reason for... last night."

I let out a sigh. "Just so you know, I don't drink at all. I mean, I did a few times in Tokyo, but I never got drunk. I don't know, I just had a lot going on."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head. Natsume might be being nice to me (which was something I had to get used to), but I wasn't ready to open up to him about anything. Not to anyone.

He nodded in reply and we remained quiet for a moment.

"So you need a job, right?" he suddenly said.

"What?" Then I realized what he was saying. "Oh right. Yeah. I have no idea where to look for one."

"Well, we're sort of looking for another lifeguard. That is, if you're interested. I just remembered that you liked swimming so much."

I froze for a moment, but immediately regained composure. "Oh. Thanks for the offer, but I think I'll pass." I couldn't possibly let him know that I was afraid of being in the water. He'd think of me as weak. Or worse, he might actually feel a hundred times sorrier for me than he already was.

I knew he wasn't expecting that answer, because he looked surprised. I was relieved he didn't ask why."Oh. Okay then. Well, I think there's an opening at that ice cream shop we always went to..."

"Tony's Ice Cream Shop?"

His face brightened. "Yeah that. Man, I really loved their ice cream sandwiches. It was all I ate every time I go there."

I smiled half-heartedly. "I remember."

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I so wanted to tell him the truth, that it scared me. Of all people Natsume was the last person I should be opening up to, right? We weren't that close before, but he treated me like a sister. I wondered if he was still treating me the same way. Because now that he's changed into someone way different from whom I've known, it was hard to figure him out.

Finally, I forced a smile, hoping it didn't seem fake. "Yeah. I'm fine."

He seemed convinced though, because he smiled back and said, "By the way, I have an Advil for that headache."

* * *

My next agenda for the day was Hotaru. My headache wasn't that bad anymore (thanks to Natsume's Advil), so if I handled talking to Natsume after what happened last night, I was sure I could handle Hotaru after two years of not talking to her.

What the hell was I talking about? Of course I couldn't handle it. I was a coward. There. I finally admitted it to myself. I'm a coward because I was scared of seeing my (allegedly) ex-best friend so I let myself get drunk and make a fool of myself. Hotaru's house was only two blocks away from Natsume's so I was definitely taking my time walking. What was I supposed to say to her? Which should I apologize for first? Not talking to her for two years or for bailing out on their dinner because I was too much of a coward? Or maybe I should just start on a simple greeting. Ask her how she was or how awesome her life was without me. What if she slams the door on my face? I have seen her mad a bunch of times, and it wasn't pretty at all. When she was mad, she was mad. She'd ignore you until you realize that your efforts mean nothing to her. We had arguments before, but never a "falling-out" like this one.

Then it occurred to me. Why was I getting so hung up on the past? A lot has changed for me in two years, and obviously a lot has changed here too. And I didn't care about any of that anymore. Did I?

Without knowing it, I have reached Hotaru's house. It still looked the same. It was the same colored yellow from when I was a kid. The garden stood out, of course because ever since the divorce, Hotaru's mom loved gardening. I suddenly had flashbacks from my childhood when Hotaru and I would help out with the gardening. I shook this off, and took a deep breath before I rang the doorbell. It seriously felt like it was just another normal day when we were kids and I would go over to Hotaru's place.

The door opened, and I came face to face with Hotaru's mom. She still looked the same. Her jet black hair that was exactly like her daughter's was placed in a neat bun. She and Hotaru had the same amethyst colored eyes; they practically looked like sisters. Mrs. Imai smiled warmly at me, and I swear a part of me wanted to breakdown and cry right there. Must be the hangover.

"Mikan! I'm so glad to see you." She let me inside their house, which surprisingly looked the same. I mean seriously, was I the only one who've changed? She pulled me into a warm embrace, and I felt comfort right there. It had been a long time since someone hugged me like that.

"It's nice to see you too, Mrs. Imai," I said. "I actually came here to apologize for last night. I knew all the trouble you went to just to plan that dinner and I am truly sorry that I wasn't able to show up. I promise I'll make it up to you."

Mrs. Imai just smiled at me again, and shook her head. "No trouble at all, Mikan. I'm just glad nothing's happened to you. We were so worried. Hotaru really wanted to see you right away when she heard you were back home."

Surprised, I took an involuntary step back. "She did?" Was she just saying that to be polite or was it the truth?

Hotaru's mom was also surprised at my reaction, but she recovered right away. "Of course. You two were best friends."

Were. I wasn't that stupid to realize that Mrs. Imai knew what happened betwen Hotaru and I. Only, why wasn't she hating on me? Not that I'd known for certain that Hotaru hates me, but I had this strong gut feeling.

Speaking of which, Hotaru appeared halfway down the stairs that led to the hallway. It looked like she just got out of bed. It relieved me to see that she's changed a little physically. She obviously got taller, her pale skin was now a darker shade (but not tan), her black silky hair which she always liked cut short when we were kids was now longer and almost reached up to her waist. In other words, she was stunning. Seeing her again made me feel... home.

She stopped abruptly down the stairs when she saw me. There were a lot of emotions that passed through her face at that moment: shock, happiness, confusion, sadness. But the one emotion that was branded in my brain forever, was coldness. She just stood there on one step of the stairs and glared at her mom.

"What is she doing here?" she snapped at her. I almost flinched. The harshness in her voice made me feel like I was a terrorist on main land.

Mrs. Imai cleared her throat. "Honey, she came over to see you."

Something told me now wasn't the time to correct her. Hotaru was now looking at me with pure disgust.

"She doesn't want to see me, Mom," she said coldly, but towards me. "I think she made that clear two years ago, and last night."

Never in my life have I ever felt this intimidated by someone. I wanted to tell her everything. Explain to her what really happened. But I promised myself I wouldn't care. So far, I was on the verge of breaking that promise if I didn't already. Well, the hell with it, I thought. I might have lost my brother, strayed away from my parents and pushed Natsume away, and maybe Hotaru too. But she was the one person whom I wanted to be back in my life. She was the only one who was ever there for me in everything that I've been through. And what did I do to thank her? I ignored her for two whole years. If it was me being ignored, I would have felt the same anger and hurt she was feeling right now. Everyone deserved an explanation. And even if Hotaru wasn't willing to hear mine, I was determined to let her know.

"That's not true," I said. My voice was weak, like I was eight years old again, and I hated myself for it.

Hotaru let out a snort. "Oh so now you want to talk? I'm sorry, then maybe I'm the idiot for even trying!"

It was anger that was in her voice right now, and I felt like it was a good start. At least it was better than being emotionless at all.

I responded with firmness in my voice, that I knew so well. "Yeah. Let's talk right now. You have no idea what I've been through, so you have no right to make assumptions about me. If you want to clear things out so you could move on with your life without me, then I'll be waiting outside. If you don't come out, then I won't care. I'm only here for the summer anyway, and it's not like I want to be around here any longer than you want me to."

I walked out the door, and closed it softly behind me. My legs were shaking, and my palms were sweaty. I couldn't believe I just said all those things. What if she didn't come out? Then she'd be out of my life forever. And I didn't want to lose my best friend of fifteen years to some idiotic thing I did.

Ten minutes later, when I decided that there was no hope in what I was doing and decided to leave, the door opened suddenly, and I saw Hotaru standing there with that emotionless facade back on her face. I was relieved.

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**Don't worry, next chapter will be the continuation of Hotaru and Mikan's conversation. Btw, I am so sorry for the OOC characters in the previous chapter, namely Tobita! I love him in gakuen alice, but I couldn't think of another character for this role, so I'm so sorry of you didn't** **like it. **

**Anywho, next chapter will be up soon! xx**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey ya'll. Just so you know, I plan to finish this story at the end of the month, cause I'll be busy when June comes :( that's why I'm updating regularly :)** **anyway, enjoy!**

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"You have five minutes," Hotaru told me, as she took a seat on the bench swing.

I told myself to not be nervous, but Hotaru's cold demeanor got the best of me. I was wrong. Everything here has changed. I took a deep breath. "So where do you want me to start?"

She gave me a look. "Are you seriously asking that?"

I sighed. This was going to be harder than I thought. "Fine. Why don't I start from the beginning? So once upon a time there were two best friends who lived on the beach and had loads of fun spending time with each other. They built sandcastles, hung out at the pier, and-"

"That's not what I meant."

I gave her an innocent look. "Oh I'm sorry. I just figured I'd start from the beginning because you really didn't specify where to begin."

She glared at me. "Three minutes, Sakura. You're wasting my time."

I flinched slightly at the way she called me by my last name. She never called me that before. It was always "Mikan." Hotaru seemed to notice this and smirked. "What?"

"Nothing." As much as I wanted her to be my friend again, she was already getting on my nerves and I just wanted to yell at her right there. Yeah, I got the message that she hates me now. On the other hand, I wasn't the Mikan that she knew before. I could speak and stand up for myself.

"Look," I said, "I'm not throwing myself a pity party and use my brother as an excuse as to why I didn't keep in touch when my family moved. But it is true that I was miserable. Everything around me changed so abruptly that it was like I didn't have time to absorb it all. It just happened so fast. And I know that I should have answered your phone calls or e-mails even if it was too late, but I was scared okay? I was scared that you might not want to talk to me anymore because eventually those calls stopped after a few months. I decided that maybe you were having a much better life without me anyway. So I..."

"Quit? Gave up entirely?"

Hotaru's expression hadn't changed after my impromptu speech. Her arms were crossed over her chest, and looked like she was watching the most boring show on the planet. I nodded and sat on the other end of the bench swing.

"I waited for it you know," she said softly, looking at the ground. "I thought that you needed the space because you were going through a lot. That's why I stopped calling. I thought to myself that 'Hey maybe Mikan's going to come around.' But I after a year, that's when I thought that you forgot about me. Tokyo was a much better place than this crappy old town anyway, right? But the stupid thing was, I still hoped that you would give me some sort of sign that you were still alive or knew that I existed. But not even an e-mail came. So I gave up too. Looks like we both did." She said the last sentence with bitterness. And that's when I realized I couldn't fix what happened. The damage has been obviously done and an apology wouldn't cover it.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"Me too," Hotaru replied, surprising me. "About Tsubasa."

I nodded, feeling a little disappointed. Of course she would say that. Everyone whom I encountered here did. The difference was, Hotaru wasn't looking at me with pity, but with understanding. I felt a little hope inside of me that maybe we could be friends again.

"Your time's up, Sakura," she told me, standing up.

Or maybe not, I thought to myself. I stood up too, and watched her as she went back inside her house without saying another word.

* * *

As I walked down the beach, the idea of running back home and burying myself in my covers for the rest of the summer was appealing to me. I had actually hoped that maybe there was a chance that Hotaru and I could be friends again, because the way she looked at me when she told me about Tsubasa was not the same as the others. It was like she understood me, like she was my best friend again. But that only lasted for a second though. Now I had to accept the fact that my (surely) ex-best friend doesn't want to see my face ever again. I could deal with that.

"Mikan!"

I jumped at the sound of my name, but I was still walking so I accidentally tripped on a rock and fell on the sand. Before I could stand up from my humiliation, I felt arms around mine helping me get up. It was Natsume.

"Are you okay?" he asked me, while I shook off the sand off my clothes with my hand. Why did I keep on running into this dude?

"Fine," I replied.

"I am so sorry."

"It's okay," I told him. I noticed he was shirtless again. "Life guarding?"

He smiled. "Yep. But I'm on break."

I nodded. For some reason, I wasn't as annoyed as I was with Natsume yesterday. Maybe because of the fact that I owe him for what he did last night? I didn't know.

"So I saw you head to Hotaru's place a while ago," he said.

"Yep. That was me."

"How'd it go?"

I arched an eyebrow at him. "What do you mean?"

"Um." He looked embarrassed. "Well your mom said last night that you were supposed to be at a dinner. Then I asked you where, you told me at Hotaru's."

I did? Wow I will never get drunk again. "Oh. Well, for starters, she hates me." I didn't know why I was telling him this.

"She doesn't hate you," he said, quietly.

I looked at him with a confused expression. "How would you know?"

His cheeks flushed this time. What was he so embarrassed about? "We talk and stuff."

I took a step backwards. This was news to me. I still remembered that pact Hotaru and I made like nine years ago. Even if I broke that pact on the same day I never thought Hotaru would give up that easily. I suddenly remembered one scene from last night. We were in his truck and he was talking to someone on his phone. Could it be...

Natsume must have noticed the expression on my face, which was probably pure shock and disbelief, because he said quickly, "No, no, no. It's not like that. We're not... we're friends."

Hotaru and Natsume friends? What was happening to the world? Seems like I was wrong. A LOT has changed. "Well not really friends," he continued. "Just acquaintances or something like that."

Before I could inquire any further, I saw a guy running up towards Natsume. He just got out of the ocean, and was shaking his hair in the process while approaching us. I didn't recognize him from afar, but when he got closer I knew immediately who it was. The blonde hair, those piercing blue eyes and that wide grin on his face? It was none other than...

"Ruka! Hey!" He and Natsume did this fist pump they always did as kids. It originally involved my brother with them. They were like this invincible trio. The Three Musketeers, if you will.

"Hey man!" Ruka replied, brightly. "You weren't at your post so I figured you were on..." He gaze went to me, and he his face brightened like a little kid on Christmas Day. I'm not even kidding. "Mikan? Is that you?"

"It's me," I said, trying to level up to his energy, but there was no way. He was still the lively Ruka Nogi that I knew.

He engulfed me in a huge hug which lifted my feet off the ground, literally. "Man, I missed you so much!" he said, when he put me down. "You look great."

"You too."

He pouted. "What you don't miss me, little sis?"

Little sis. My heart broke into a million little pieces when he said that. Natsume might have told me I was like a sister to him, but Ruka treated me like one. He was an only child so he was the one always around at my house. He was the complete opposite of Natsume before. Now, Ruka was still the same, and I found that comforting. I punched his shoulder lightly, but I had to tiptoe to do just that. He and Natsume were so tall now. "Of course I missed you, dummy."

He grinned and gave me another hug. It made me miss my brother even more.

"We should definitely catch up with each other," he said. "Natsume, what time does your shift end?"

"Twelve-thirty. And now my break's over. See you guys." He patted Ruka's shoulder and nodded at me before he ran back to his post.

"Let's have lunch after!" Ruka shouted after him.

Natsume turned around, and was jogging backwards. "Sure!"

"Wanna sit somewhere?" Ruka said.

"Um yeah. Sure."

Five minutes later, we were seated at the pier where Hotaru and I used to hang out all the time. Ruka bought us both ice cream. I was touched that he still remembered my favorite flavor, cookies and cream. We just sat in silence for a few minutes, but it was comfortable silence. Although I was nervous as hell, since we were seated at the edge of the pier, so that meant one slip, and I'd fall right into the water. I was trying not to look below me, and the ice cream helped a little. With the nerves, I mean.

"So how are you, Mikan?" Ruka asked, finishing his cone.

"I'm okay, I guess," I said. Nope, I was far from okay. He frowned at me. "Come on, that's what people answer when they're the opposite of okay. It's just me, Mikan. You can tell me anything."

For some reason, I trusted him when he said that. He reminded me of Tsubasa. I sighed. "The truth? I'm not okay. I've never been okay since he..." I swallowed the lump that suddenly formed in my throat. "It sucked when we moved to Tokyo right after he died. It was like leaving him. To me, this place was just Tsubasa, you know. He loved it here. And then while I was in Tokyo, I felt like I was already getting adjusted. And then, snap. Another change. Now I'm back here for the summer as punishment from my parents."

"Why punishment?"

I ate what was remaining of my ice cream cone. "I was... a little crazy in Tokyo. Well not over the top rebellious teenager, since I don't get drunk or do drugs. I just go to parties all the time and come home late. Like early in the morning. I failed some of my classes on purpose just to piss my parents off. Because the truth was, I hated them during that time. They didn't even care what I thought about moving. Nor did they ask. And these past two years they were trying so hard to become this perfect family, like Tsubasa was just history. They said the reason why we came here was for his anniversary. But then we never even acknowledged his past anniversaries. Do you know how painful that is? So why now? Doesn't make sense to me."

"I'm sorry you had to go through all that," he said, sincerely. "I miss your brother too. Things haven't been the same since he... died. And you left."

"How?"

"During the first few months after it happened, people we went to school with were posting all over Facebook, Twitter, their blogs, and stuff like that. They were saying about how Tsubasa was a great guy and all that crap people say about dead people they don't know. I was pissed, you know? Because they never really knew who Tsubasa was. He was popular because of what he did, and he didn't do those things to get people to like him. He did those things because he wanted to. He didn't care what anybody thought. He-"

"Ruka?"

"Huh?"

"I know."

He smiled and ruffled my hair. "Of course you do, kiddo. Just taking a trip down memory lane."

I combed my hair with my fingers, fixing it back in place. Ruka and I weren't totally close before, since Hotaru and I decided that my brother's friends were idiots, but he wasn't like Natsume before. He acknowledged my presence, invited me to whatever agenda they had planned for the day, and put an effort to keep up a conversation. I was glad that he was still the same.

"Whoops, look at the time," he said, examining his wrist. "We gotta go fetch Natsume and eat lunch. I'm starved."

"You don't have a watch," I pointed out. We both stood up and walked back to the beach.

"Lighten up, kiddo. Geez, are you on your period or something?"

He said it so nonchalantly that it made my cheeks flush. "No. Sorry, I just have this hangover."

He stopped in his tracks and looked at me wide-eyed. "I thought you didn't-"

"Yeah me either. It's a long story." We continued walking. "Didn't Natsume say anything? I mean, he was the one who had to take damage control last night."

"We didn't talk until this morning." He glanced at me with a concerned expression. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I shrugged. "Not really."

He didn't seem to have a problem in this. "Okay then. Maybe next time."

When we arrived at the main beach, Natsume was just climbing down his lifeguard chair and flipped the On Duty sign to Off Duty. "Hey guys," he said when he saw us. "Where do you want to eat?"

"I'm craving for some pizza," Ruka said. "What about you, Mikan?"

"Pizza sounds fine."

"Great. Oh just a sec, let me call Hotaru."

I swear it was like someone had hit me with a baseball bat that made me faint, and then wasn't able to remember the events that happened three seconds ago. "Wait," I heard myself saying. "What did you say?"

Ruka, who already had his cellphone out, looked at me confused. "What?"

"Just two seconds ago, what did you say?"

He glanced over at Natsume, clearly thinking that I was insane. Natsume gave him a shrug in reply. "What, about me calling Hotaru?" Ruka said.

So I did hear it right. But why on earth would he call her? It didn't make sense to me. And then I remembered what Natsume told me earlier that he and Hotaru were acquainted with each other. But they weren't dating according to Natsume so it must be...

Oh my God. "Are you dating Hotaru?" I blurted out.

The silence that followed was so awkward that I wished the sand would bury me alive. Ruka and Natsume exchanged looks, and Ruka finally said, "Yeah. I am"

And to think my life couldn't get any more complicated than this.

* * *

**You must think I'm cruel for cutting you off like this. Next chapter to be posted soon! X**


	11. Chapter 11

**This chapter's a little short, but hope you enjoy it :)**

* * *

"Look, I'm sorry if I didn't tell you right away," Ruka was telling me, as our order came. "I just thought you knew already."

"Um yeah, I guess the priceless reaction on my face proved that," I said.

"You did look like you were about to faint."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Seriously. When did this happen? And I want to hear everything right now so I won't have a heart attack in the near future."

"Geez, okay. When did you get so dramatic? Wait, don't answer that. So here goes."

Thankfully, Ruka didn't pursue his phone call with Hotaru, and I couldn't help but feel relieved. I mean, how awkward would it be if she was here? I didn't know if Ruka knew what happened between Hotaru and I, but he was her... her... boyfriend (another thing I had to get used to but not fully absorbed) so I guess he does. On another note, Natsume was being awfully quiet, kinda like the way he acted before. Two years ago, this would have been perfectly normal, but now it felt weird. He was seated beside Ruka, and I was facing them.

"Mikan, are you even listening to me?" Ruka was snapping his fingers in my face. "That was a very detailed and well elaborated story and you don't even listen?"

"Sorry," I mumbled in reply. I hadn't realized that I was observing Natsume the whole time, who was poking at his pizza the entire time. "Can you repeat it?"

He sighed. "Of course I _can_. So here it goes again. Hotaru and I started seeing each other like a year and a half ago. I don't know, it just happened. To be honest, I was kind of terrified of her when we were kids. I know! It's stupid since I am like older, but she looks so uptight and unapproachable. But then we talked and _snap! _We started dating."

"That is your elaborate story?" I said.

"It was more detailed a while ago, but since you missed it..." He shrugged, and reached for his second slice of pizza. "But that's the whole point though. You hadn't visited her yet since you got here?"

It looked like he did know, but not all of it. "I did actually. This morning."

"What did she say?"

"She hates my guts."

He momentarily choked, and drank a glass of soda. "She said that?"

"Well no," I admitted. "But she obviously does. The way she looked at me made me feel like I was the most disgusting species on the planet. Wait, did she tell you? About what happened between us?"

Ruka looked embarrassed for a moment. "Yeah," he finally said. "She did mention that."

"What did she say?"

"Not much, to be honest. She just said that you guys 'drifted apart' and that she was upset about it. I never asked after, since I know she didn't want to talk about it."

I leaned back on my seat and gave Ruka a look. He sighed. "Okay, she told me she was pissed that you didn't return her phone calls, then I told her to give you a break since you were going through a tough time, then she said 'Isn't one year enough?' Then I told her that grieving doesn't have a due date then she became quiet." He took another slice of pizza talked in between bites. "And then, months later when she still hasn't heard from you, she said she was done. I didn't know what that meant..."

"Done being my friend, obviously," I said. "Thanks for the very detailed story."

He grinned. "Don't mention it. And she doesn't hate you okay? Hotaru might be... unapproachable sometimes, but she's really sweet."

Ruka had that look on his face like he was describing his most prized possession. Which I guess he was. "I know. She's my best friend too. Was."

"You two will work it out," he assured me.

But I wasn't so assured. "I guess."

"So let's catch up!" Ruka said. "Natsume, why the silence? Are you sick or something?"

"No, I'm fine," Natsume said speaking for the first time. "Mikan and I already talked and stuff." He smiled at me.

"And we already talked at the pier too," I told Ruka.

"Oh." He let out a whistle. "Well this is awkward. At least we had lunch together here again. Man, I missed this place. I haven't been here that often anymore since I've been busy. Do you know that they have a job opening here? I think they need a-"

"Wait, a job opening?" I interrupted. "Do you know if anyone got the job already?"

"Um, no. Not that I'd heard of. Why?"

"Long story," I said, glancing at Natsume who was looking at me with an amused expression. "Um, could you just wait here one sec?"

"A job as a punishment?" Ruka said, when I came back to the table. Apparently, someone already got the job earlier today. I gave Natsume a look. He just shrugged and said, "He asked me."

"And I gotta say," Ruka continued, "I'm a little disappointed in you, kid. Drinking is never a solution to anything."

I sighed. I wasn't in a mood for another lecture. "I know. I wasn't looking for a solution. Just something to make me feel numb. And it did."

There was a moment of silence between us, and I pretended not to notice by drinking loudly from my soda. "I think I'm done," I said. "Now if you guys don't mind, I'll just go job hunting."

"I'll go with you," Natsume said.

"I'll have to skip on this one, kiddo," Ruka told me. "I'm a lifeguard too, and my shift is in ten minutes."

"You're also life-guarding? You never mentioned this to me at the pier a while ago."

"Guess it never came up. Oh well. See you guys later." He ruffled my hair again and ran out of the restaurant. That was weird.

"What's up with Ruka?" I asked when Natsume and I were outside.

"Hm?" he said distractedly. "Oh. He's in a hurry."

"Okay," I said. slowly. "Then what's up with you? You were quiet the entire time. Did I say something?"

"No, no. It's not like that. It's just, I need to tell you something."

Tell me something? There was something in his tone that made me think this wasn't good news. "What is it?"

"Let's just head to Tony's Ice Cream Shop since there's also a job opening there, remember?"

Thankfully the shop was only two blocks away from the pizza parlor. And after I talked to their manager (who recognized me and said sorry about my brother), I got the job right away. And that was to man the cashier, which would start tomorrow morning. Now I had a reason to get out of bed.

Natsume was waiting outside the whole time. What was it that he had to tell me that made him so... jittery? I mean, I was shocked enough already, what with Hotaru and Ruka dating (!). Or maybe not.

When I came out, I was beyond surprised to see Misaki.

"Mikan!" she said enthusiastically, giving me a long embrace. "Oh my God I haven't seen you in ages! How are you?"

"Good," I replied, when I had a good look at her. Her light reddish straight hair was now dark brown and curled, and reached up to her waist. She still had that model-like physique, and I wondered if she was one. Judging from what seemed like her professionally done make-up, and her outfit-a purple tank top, studded shorts, 4-inch wedges and a Calvin Klein purse-I'm guessing she was. "Wow, you look great."

"Oh this? Not really. I just came from this photo shoot and I look all frazzled. You on the other hand, look stunning."

And my guess was right. I highly doubted that I was anywhere near attractive since I had this serious hangover, that wasn't so bad anymore. But still. I thanked her anyway, and asked how she was.

"Oh everything's been great! I just took up modeling a year ago. I'm studying in Stanford, so I need the extra money."

I tried to hide my surprise. I'd forgotten that Misaki was one of those straight-A students. "Stanford. Wow. So you're visiting for the summer?"

"Yup. And you are too, right?"

"Yeah. For Tsubasa's anniversary." I didn't know why I added that part, but it looked like Misaki was avoiding that topic, because she suddenly had this weird look on her face, and glanced at Natsume, who was again, being quiet.

"Oh yeah. It's this Saturday."

There was an awkward silence that followed, then I cleared my throat. "Right. Well, I guess I better get going."

"See you around, Mikan," Misaki told me, giving me hug. Natsume gave me a small smile. I smiled back and walked off. I didn't know if it was just me, but there was some serious tension in the air during that whole encounter. Or maybe it was the hangover.

* * *

"I miss and hate you at the same time."

I was on the phone that night with Sumire (with her having just woken up at one in the afternoon). That was the first thing she said when she picked up. "Sorry, I forgot the reception here sucks at my house," I told her. "So now I'm on the roof of my room."

"Yeah, I should have called too. But I seriously cannot figure out these ridiculous time zones. So what's up?"

I sighed. As much as I'd like to tell her everything, something told me she wouldn't be able to catch up, since she knew little of my life in Malibu. "Nothing much. It's boring."

"Oh please. As if anything in California is boring. If I was there, I should be getting a tan right this moment."

"It's nine p.m.."

"See what I mean about time zones? Anyway, spill you little biatch. I will seriously hang up if you don't tell me everything."

I couldn't possibly tell her everything, because what would she understand? So I told her something that was more of "in her zone." "Okay fine. I have a hangover."

There was a pause at the other line, and then, loud laughter. "Holy shit, Mikan. Finally! But damn, too bad I wasn't there. We could have gotten wasted together."

"It wasn't intentional," I said. "Sort of. It just happened."

"Honey, you don't plan when and where you get drunk. You just do. So tell me what happened."

Eventually, I had to tell her about Tobita, the other blurry stuff that I could remember, and Natsume (who she already knew about).

"OMG, two hot guys in one night? I am so proud of you."

I rolled my eyes, even if she couldn't see them. "Sumire. Tobita is an ass, and Natsume well..."

"The totally hot lifeguard that you're madly in love with?"

For some reason, this made my cheeks flush. It was a good thing Sumire couldn't see me. "No," I said.

"You are totally blushing!" So much for not seeing me. "But you just told me that he's a lifeguard, and that he's all good boy now, and he saved your ass last night. Plus, isn't this the same Natsume that you told me about before? The one you've had a crush on since you were eight?"

"Had," I said, through gritted teeth. "I liked him until I was fifteen, and then when we moved my feelings just vanished. So I don't like him that way now. Probably not ever."

Sumire laughed again. "Oh my God. Feelings just don't disappear, darling. Obviously it was because you didn't see him for two years that's why you think you've forgotten all about him. But now that you're back and you see each other everyday, you realize that you've always loved him and couldn't resist his finely toned abs. I'm sure he has abs, Mikan. He's a lifeguard."

"I know, I've seen them," I said as nonchalantly as possible. "And have you been watching sappy romance movies again? Jesus, you talk like one of those cheesy radio shows."

I heard her gasp. "OMFG, you've seen his abs? Did you touch them? Oh my God, I wish I was there! If you don't like him you could hand him over to me."

"Funny. Besides, you don't even know what he looks like. And, um, I think he has a girlfriend."

"Shut up! How do you know?"

I told her about my theory in why he was being so nice, and the phone call in his truck last night.

"Oh come on! That could have been one of his 'bros' or something. And what, people can't change? I'm telling you. If you don't hook up with that guy, I am coming there right now to do it for you."

"People change for reasons, Sumire. Besides, it's not like it matters if he has a girlfriend or something. It's not my business. Oh and you could come visit anytime. Just call. I don't give a shit about what my mom has to say."

She sighed. "That's sweet. About you inviting me, I mean. Not the one about Natsume, because you totally suck for thinking that. But I'm going to be at my grandparents' for like the whole summer practically. Like rehab. But I'll call if they let me out early."

"Wait," I said, warily. "You are going to your grandparents' and not rehab, right?" I knew Sumire did drugs and drank a lot, but she would tell me if she was going to a rehabilitation center, wouldn't she?

She let out a laugh. "Of course I'm going to be at my grandparents'. I was just kidding about the rehab thing. My grandparents' house is in this place called the middle of nowhere, just like rehabs."

Why wasn't I fully convinced? "Okay, but if you are going to rehab, you'd tell me, right?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't I? You're my best friend. And no way am I getting sent to a crack house. I'm don't even smoke anymore."

"But you still do..."

"No not so much," she said, quickly. "Um listen, I have to go. My mom's going to chew my ass out for coming home at six in the morning. I'll call you soon. Bye!"

And with a click, the other line was dead. I knew overthinking wasn't going to do me any good, but judging from the things that happened today, I couldn't help but do just that.

* * *

**So who is Natsume's mysterious girlfriend (if he even has one)...? Hmmm. Lol. I have no idea if I should write a flashback chapter or a present one. I'm having a writer's block at the moment. But not to worry. I will update soon. 'Til next time xx**


	12. Chapter 12

**I just love reading your reviews. They make me so happy :) sorry it took a little while. Writer's block -.- anyway, here it is! Enjoy!**

* * *

The following day, I arrived at the shop at exactly nine a.m. Tony, the owner of the place was the only person there, and when I went in, he greeted me with a huge grin.

"Good morning," he said. He was accounting the books. "Thought I'd stop by for this. You're quite early."

"Well, you told me to open up."

"That's right," he said, distractedly. "Anyway, I appreciate it." He fixed his things and out them inside his bag. "I'll be on my way now, Mikan. Good luck on your first day."

I smiled in reply, and with that, he left. Five minutes later, after I put on the uniform (a light pink polo shirt with the logo on it, brown jeans, and a cap with the logo as well), I heard someone come in. The store wasn't officially opened yet, since it opened at ten, so I figured it was another employee. When I saw who it was, I was beyond surprised.

"Hotaru?" I said. "Um, hi. You work here?"

She didn't seem bothered seeing me. She had that stoic look on her face again. "Obviously. Do you not see the uniform?"

"Oh. Right."

The silence that followed was so loud, that it made want to break something. "Um, so I got hired yesterday," I said. "I didn't know you worked here."

"Does it matter?"

This was obviously not a rhetorical question. "I guess not," I answered.

"Good. Now, I won't get in your way if you don't get in mine."

"Got it."

It was obvious that she still hated me, despite what Ruka said. I could feel it. It was like she was disgusted by my presence. Hotaru made her way to the back of the counter, where the ice cream flavors were placed. She put on an apron and hairnet. It was pretty obvious that a conversation with me was the last thing she wanted. But still, I tried.

"So, are you going tomorrow?" I asked. "It's um, my brother's..."

"I know. Tsubasa was my friend too."

"Oh okay. Then I guess I'll see you, then."

She arched an eyebrow at me. "Just so we're clear, I'm not going for you. I'm going for Tsubasa."

Okay, I had to admit, that one stung a little. "Yeah. I know."

For the rest of the day, Hotaru completely ignored me unless it was work related. I couldn't help but notice that when she was attending a customer, she had on that warm smile of hers. That was the Hotaru that I knew so well. It was sad. Not being friends anymore.

"Don't forget to close up," she reminded me. And with that, she left without saying another word.

"Yeah, sure," I muttered.

On my way back home, I passed the beach, and of course Natsume was there. I tried hard not to notice that he was shirtless again and that his bare tan skin was gleaming in the sunlight. And that his hair was all wet. Jesus, Mikan.

He eventually saw me though, because he gave me a huge wave that made other people look. Mostly the teenage girls who were drooling at him. Ah, the heartthrob. I didn't know why I did it, but I waved back and said, "Hey, Natsume!" Which earned me a bunch of glares from said teenage girls. I wanted to smile smugly at them.

Whoa, what was wrong with me? Almost a week in this place and the sun was already getting into my brain. Not good.

"Hey!" Natsume was running up behind me. I stopped walking.

"Hey there," I said.

"So, how was the first day of work?"

"Uh, it was okay, I guess."

He waited.

I sighed. "Hotaru works there too."

His eyes widened. "She does? But I know she works at..."

"Works where?"

He shook his head and smiled. "Nah, never mind. Listen, I have to tell you something."

There he was again. With the seriousness. "What is it?"

"But you have to promise not to get mad at me."

I snorted. "That is so seventh grade, Natsume. And who's the older one here? Anyway, I can't promise that."

He sighed. "Of course not. Do you remember yesterday when-"

"Mikan!"

That was my mother's voice. I turned around and saw her waving at me all the way from my house. "Can you come here for a sec? We need your help setting up for tomorrow!"

"I'll be right there!" I shouted back. "Look, whatever it is, you can tell me tomorrow. You'll be there right? At the steak out? It's for Tsubasa's anniversary and personally I have no idea why a steak out at a beach would commemorate him, because what, are we celebrating that he died? God, this is what happens when I let my parents plan by themselves. They're not-"

"Mikan," he interrupted.

I hadn't realized that I was babbling. And that I said all those things. To him. "Oh sorry. I do that sometimes. Talk uncontrollably like a freak."

He smiled. "Good to know some things don't change. And yes I know about the steak out. Of course I'll be there."

Oh yeah. When we were kids I would talk nonstop until he talked back. He still remembered that? I just nodded at him and said I'd see him tomorrow.

* * *

This was so not my day.

And I have three main reasons to prove that.

Number one reason: When I woke up this morning, I was trembling and crying at the same time. I dreamt of what happened during that day for the first time in two years. That day, which was exactly three years ago, today. This was a lot to take in. Because today, I lost one of the most important people in my life. Today I lost my brother. And we were going to remember it by having a steak out at the beach.

I got up, took a shower, and wore the yellow sundress my mom made me wear. It was her dress, and she gave it to me last night saying that it looked good on me. Honestly, I had no idea why I had to dress up for this. And why were we throwing a party anyway? God.

"Mikan! Are you awake? Come down here already. We need help setting up the tables."

I groaned. I did not want a day "celebrating" my brother's death by having guests over and eating grilled meat. But then again, it wasn't like I had a choice. This was my family. Yeah, deal with it, Mikan.

"And, there." My mom put on the table cloth on the last table. "Perfect."

"Mom, what exactly is the point in all this?" I asked.

She turned to me, eyes huge. "It's Tsubasa's anniversary today, Mikan. Don't you know that?"

"Of course I do, Mom. But I don't understand. We never celebrated his anniversary when we were in Tokyo. It was just like any other day. But why now?"

She fell silent for a moment. "Well, because we're back home, honey."

"Are we?"

Before my mom could answer-if she even had one-my dad arrived with our old grill. We've had it since I was ten, and God only knows if that thing still works.

"Hey there," he said, putting it down. "We all set?"

"Dad," I said. "Does that grill even work?"

"Of course it does! It worked fine the last time we used it."

"That was three years ago."

He waved a hand, dismissing this. "Pfft. It'll work. Trust me."

I looked over my mom, who was now staring at the ocean. For a moment, I wanted to just hug her and tell her it was okay to be sad. But that urge disappeared when she turned to me with a fake smile.

"Right. Let's get ready. The guests are coming soon."

Which brings us to reason number two as to why this day sucked for me.

Hotaru came, of course. But she only talked to my parents and didn't once glance at me. She was with Ruka, and it was obvious that they were a couple. Mostly because they were always together. Ruka's arm around her shoulder or waist or Hotaru holding on to his arm. They smiled at each other all the time and would sometimes kiss. Hotaru looked happy, Ruka looked happy. They were the perfect couple.

Some of Tsubasa's old friends came too. Some of the faces I recognized. Kokoro Yome and Kitsuneme were there too. But Tobita wasn't. I felt some sort of relief. I was not ready to see him after that night.

But that's not one of the reasons why this day sucked. It sucked because as I observed the people around me, they were all enjoying themselves. They were laughing and dancing. I had this urge to shout at them, "People! My brother died to today! Right there in the ocean. And we're celebrating?" What irked me the most were my parents. I at least expected them to give some speech about Tsubasa or something, but when I asked my mom about it, she completely avoided the question and asked me to refill the punch bowl (surprisingly, our grill was working fine).

I just didn't get it. Was this how people celebrated death anniversaries? This was the first time I've lost someone close to me besides my hamster, but isn't there supposed to be at least a service or something?

"Something bothering you?"

I jumped at the sound of Ruka's voice, who was behind me while I was refilling the punch bowl. "Oh hey."

"I can see you from afar, kiddo. You look like you're seeing your ex here with another girl." He laughed, and I just scowled at him.

He cleared his throat. "Sorry. What's up with you?"

"Why aren't you with your girlfriend?" I didn't mean to sound bitchy, but I was pissed.

"Because she's eating," he said, oblivious to my tone. "And I believed I asked you first."

"Sorry. You two look good together by the way. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks. And you're still not answering me."

I sighed. "Fine. It's just. Everyone's so happy and in a celebratory mood that it seems like they forgot why they were here in the first place. It's Tsubasa's death anniversary. Why aren't people giving speeches or talking about what a great person my brother was? I mean, that's what you're supposed to do, right?"

"Listen. People have their own way of grieving. Like your parents for example." He pointed to my mom, who was cheerfully talking to Hotaru's mom. "It's obvious that it's crushing her from the inside. Only, she doesn't want to show it because if she shows weakness, the people who are relying on her might not be able to bear it. Like you. While you don't deny that you're sad about losing Tsubasa, you still want to be strong for her, right? And it's not like we don't miss Tsubasa just because we're happy. I miss him everyday. I just know that he wants us to be happy. For him. Do you understand?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I do." I never thought of it that way. I knew my mom was hiding away from the pain, but I always thought she was doing that so she couldn't feel pain. Then I suddenly remembered what Natsume told me that night I got drunk. That there was no new Mikan. It was just me. Hiding too.

Speaking of which, I glanced around around me. "Hey, where's Natsume?" I asked.

Ruka scanned for him in the crowd too. "Huh. Oh yeah. I haven't seen him too. I don't know where he is."

I looked over to his house, and the lights were turned off. Then, I saw Aoi in the crowd, who waved at me. I waved back. Where was her brother?

Just as that thought came, I finally spotted him, coming from inside his house. Only, he wasn't alone.

Which is the third reason why this day was not my day:

He was with Misaki. At first I didn't think anything of it, because they probably ran into each other, no big deal. But then, coming out from his darkened house together? And holding hands? Something was up. I looked at Ruka, who was now drinking punch from a plastic cup. "Wait," I said. "Am I missing something here?"

"What?"

"Natsume and Misaki. Are they... dating?"

He followed my gaze to the both of them, who were talking to my mom. For once, Ruka was speechless.

I gasped. "They are? And you knew?" Of course he knew, he was Natsume's best friend.

"I'm sorry," he said. "Natsume told me he was going to tell you. I just- wait here." He put his drink down, and went over to Natsume.

I couldn't believe it. Misaki was Tsubasa's girlfriend. I know my brother was gone, but how could she be over it so fast? And why his best friend? And more importantly, why his best friend's girlfriend? It was like my brother never even existed. How could they do this to him? Suddenly, I was enraged. If I was pissed a while ago, now I was angry. I have had it. I was so over with this place. I didn't want to be here on Tsubasa's anniversary. I wanted to be somewhere near him. Where I could feel him. This place, on the beach, wasn't it.

I spotted our family truck by the corner of our house, and ran for it. I heard my mom calling me, my dad, Ruka. I didn't care. I was almost at the driver's door, when I felt someone grab my arm. I didn't need to turn around to know who it was.

"Let go of me, Natsume," I said, my voice low.

"Mikan, listen to me."

"No! I'm sick of this place. Not just the beach, but everything here."

"Is this about Misaki?"

I didn't answer. Instead, I snatched my arm away from him, opened the door, and climbed inside.

"You can't just leave!"

I turned on the ignition. "Watch me."

He grabbed hold of my arms again. Damn this truck for not having windows. "Where are you going? I'll come with you."

"You are the last person I want to be with right now. So go away."

He eventually did and I drove off, hearing his voice shouting my name.

* * *

**Don't worry, Mikan's not going to skip town or anything. Whoops, did I spoil it for you? Sorry :) but yeah. And geez, was I really that obvious that Misaki was Natsume's gf? God, this means I'm not meant for writing mysteries. Lol. Next chapter will be a blast from the past :) Ciao!~ x**


	13. Chapter 13

**Who updates fast? Lol. Just a short little chapter with some hints of the main plot of the story. Enjoy!**

* * *

_**3**** years** **ago** _

Every Sunday of the first week of the month, Tsubasa and I had our annual camping trip. My family was weird like that, having all these traditions, but that's what makes them so special. Anyway, I was psyched when I woke up this morning, because I looked forward to these trips since I was ten when Mom finally let me and Tsubasa go alone.

Our camping trips were always at the Malibu Park by the lake, and we would just lay down there and go stargazing. Or make smores. You know, the usual cliche things that people do when out camping. But still, I enjoyed it. It had always been me and my brother's bond.

"Good morning, everyone!" I said, as I walked in the kitchen. It was just like any Sunday morning, where my mom was cooking waffles (pancakes were for normal days), my dad reading the newspaper and kissing me on my head, and my brother who would ruffle my hair. The only difference is today, was Tsubasa just gave me a small smile.

"Morning, sweetheart," Dad said. "Did you have a good night's sleep?"

"You bet I did." I lightly smacked my brother on his shoulder. "Hey, do you know what day it is?"

"Sunday, of course," he replied, tickling me.

"It's the first Sunday of the week!" I said, laughing. "And do you know what that means?"

He looked confused for a second, then smacked his palm on his forehead. "Oh yeah! Our camping trip."

I frowned. He didn't look like he was joking. "Did you forget?"

I saw him glance at Mom and Dad with a worried look. "Um, you see..."

"Tsubasa was going to Misaki's parents' house today," Mom told me. "In San Diego. And your dad and I are supposed to drive him there tonight, stay over night at a hotel and be back first thing tomorrow morning."

I sat in my chair, my eyes filling with tears. My good morning just went downhill in five seconds. Ugh, why was I crying? Dang it. "But I'll be alone," I muttered.

"You can sleep at Hotaru's," Dad told me, rubbing my back. "I'm so sorry honey, but we only found out about it this morning."

"Hotaru's out of town. With her mom." I sniffed. "Found out about what?"

I swear I saw my dad freeze for a second, then Tsubasa answered, "Found out that I was going to Misaki's. It's just for one night. So I could meet her parents. It was kind of a last minute thing. I'm so sorry, kiddo. We can go camping next weekend, okay?"

I nodded slowly, but still felt disappointed. It didn't make sense to me. If Tsubasa was going to meet Misaki's parents, why did they have to plan it at the last minute? I mean, isn't meeting your girlfriend's parents supposed to be a big deal? But then again, it's not like I've ever been in a relationship so what did I know?

"But where will I sleep?" I asked. "I don't wanna be alone here for the night."

"You can stay at Natsume's," Tsubasa said. "Aoi will be so excited to have you there."

My heart paced a little at that, and sank immediately. I half-expected him to say, "Nastume will be so excited to have you there."

"Perfect!" Mom said. "And we'll call you while we're in San Diego, okay?"

I shrugged. What else can I do? "Okay."

* * *

That night, when my parents left me at Natsume's after a few minutes of talking to him, I still couldn't shake of the disappointment in me. I know it was immature for a fourteen year-old girl, but for some reason I was looking forward to this trip than our other trips.

On the other hand, Tsubasa was right. Aoi was ecstatic to have me sleep over. She wanted me to sleep in her room, even when I said the couch would do me fine. After the tutoring session with Natsume, I never got to babysit Aoi again because their parents were back in town. But tonight, they were gone again for a business trip. I think in Italy or somewhere. Natsume wasn't as thrilled as Aoi, but he didn't express any annoyance due to my presence either. He was neutral. Stoic, even.

We had pizza for dinner, and after that I wanted to just sleep already. This day had been a total bust for me. But Natsume surprised me by suggesting that we all go out and watch the stars. Ten minutes later, we (Aoi, Natsume and me), were laying on the blankets that Natsume brought. Aoi was in between the two us, but that was fine. I wouldn't be able to take it if Natsume was beside me.

"The stars are so pretty," Aoi said. "I never noticed them before."

"Well, they're always there," I told her. "Only we don't get to see them because of the city lights. It has to be where it's really dark and peaceful."

"Which is not exactly in a place like this," Natsume said. "But at least we get to see some of them."

I glared at him. Really? He had to be mean now? He smirked in reply.

Minutes later, Aoi fell asleep, and I was still watching the stars. I always had this fascination about them. How they were placed carefully in the galaxy to form constellations. How each star had their own origin, their own name. How they were always there at night, but we don't get to see them and appreciate their beauty.

"What are you thinking about?" Natsume asked, breaking my thoughts.

"Just how beautiful the night sky is. I would love to live in the countryside any day and get to see this every single night."

When Natsume didn't answer, I thought my answer sounded stupid and weird. But he surprised me when he said, "I know what you mean. Sometimes, I just want to get away from it all."

I propped on my elbows and looked at him. He was staring at the sky, with a deep-in-thought expression on his face. "I don't want to get away from anything," I said. "I mean, I would love to live in the countryside, but I would definitely miss the sand, the ocean. I would always want to come back here."

"Why?"

"Because it's my home. It always will be. No matter what."

He sat up. "Yeah well, my home doesn't even feel like home."

Was he opening up to me? This was a first. I was too afraid to ask why, because he might just shut down on me, like he always did. But he didn't continue, so I went for it. "Why?"

He chuckled humorlessly. "How many times a week do you see my parents, Mikan? Given that they're actually home. It's like our house is just a stopover to wherever they're going next." He reached for Aoi's face and moved the hair that was covering it. "I feel so sorry for Aoi. She doesn't even get to see her parents on a regular basis. She's the only one that keeps me from leaving this place."

"You want to leave town?" I felt a little hurt for some reason, and hated myself for it. This was not the time to be selfish.

"For college," he said. "But then, what will happen to Aoi? I just couldn't bear the thought of leaving her."

Suddenly, I understood. Why Natsume was the way he is. I felt horrible thinking he was a cold, mean person with repressed feelings. I figured he didn't want to talk about that matter anymore, so I changed to subject. "Do you know Tsubasa and I were supposed to go camping tonight?"

I think I saw him smile faintly. He nodded. "I know. Your annual camping trip."

Something clicked in my head. "Is that why you took us out here?"

He gave me a shrug, but I saw him smirk. I felt so touched I wanted to cry. Well, not really, but he actually thought of me and did this for me.

"Well, thank you," I continued. "I really appreciate it. Anyway, I mean, not to sound selfish or anything, but isn't it weird that my family just told me this morning they were all going to San Diego to meet Misaki's parents? I don't know, it just felt so unexpected. Like out of nowhere."

His lips pressed into a thin line, like I asked something that offended him. "What's wrong? Did that sound selfish? I'm sorry, it's just, I've been looking forward to this trip for weeks now and I just feel like it's important that we have this trip. Like the world depended on it, you know?" God, that sounded... utterly stupid.

"Actually, I don't know." He stood up and carried Aoi effortlessly. "I think it's getting late. Do you mind, folding those blankets? I need to tuck Aoi in bed."

I blinked a few times, registering the sudden change of atmosphere. "Um, s-sure." Just a few seconds ago, we were actually having a normal and meaningful conversation and then he shuts down again? This was definitely not my day.

When I walked back into the house and placed the neatly folded blankets on the couch, I felt drained and just wanted to sleep. But just as I got cozy on the couch, Natsume came down the stairs with a pillow and comforter in his hands.

"Oh no, I'm good," I said, pointing to the blanket I took out of my bag.

"I'm sleeping on the couch."

"What? Where am I supposed to sleep, the kitchen floor?"

He sighed exasperatedly and rolled his eyes at me. "Hilarious. But you're sleeping in my room."

I prayed that he didn't notice the flush that suddenly came to my cheeks. I have never been to Natsume's room before. And okay, I'll have to admit I did fantasize what his room looked like sometimes. But it wasn't like I wanted to sleep in it! On the other hand, it might be comfier than this couch. But no way was I letting him think that.

"But I'm the guest," I said. "It's like a given rule that guests sleep on the couch."

"Right, like there's going to be a couch enforcer that would arrest you if you don't sleep there. If you're appalled at the thought of sleeping in a boy's room, mine's clean, just so you know."

This made me blush even harder, and I was sure he noticed it by now. Because he smirked at me and said, "Come on, Mikan. I know you want to. It's way comfier there. Trust me."

I didn't know if he was doing this to embarrass me or just to be nice. Maybe both. "Fine," I said, standing up. "Are you sure? Because you might hold it against me tomorrow morning."

He sighed. "I wouldn't be debating with you on this for the past five minutes if I'm not sure. And I would just feel like an idiot if I forced you to sleep in my room and hold a grudge against you the next day. So please. I am tired and sleepy. And I'm sure you are too. So go to bed."

I stood up from the couch and made my way to the stairs."Alright, I will! Geez. Goodnight."

"And be sure not to leave any feminine traces on the sheets if you know what I mean."

I froze and let out a gasp. If my cheeks were warm a while ago, well now they were burning hot. How did he know I was on my period? I twisted to look at him, but his eyes were already closed, his breathing even. But I swore I saw him smirking. Then, I noticed my duffel bag on the floor beside the couch, which I left open, with a box of tampons sticking out.

* * *

"So," I said, the next day when I was back at my house again and my family was too, "how was the trip? I bet it went well, didn't it?" We were sitting at the pier, that Sunday afternoon.

My brother got an uncomfortable look on his face before he grinned at me. "Yeah, it did. Misaki's parents were nice. They offered that I stay at their place last night."

"And did you?"

"That I can't tell you," he answered, ruffling my hair.

I frowned and combed my fingers through my hair. "Geez, what happened to telling each other everything?"

He muttered something that I didn't catch, before changing the subject. "So, how was the sleepover?"

I blushed deeply for some reason, remembering Natsume's little comment before I went up to his room. As he said, his room was surprisingly neat for a boy. And I made sure that I didn't leave "feminine traces" on his white bed sheets. "It was good," I said, my voice a little octave higher. A side effect of being embarrassed.

It was a good thing Tsubasa was oblivious to this. "What'd you guys do?"

"We ordered pizza, watched t.v., oh and we went stargazing."

"You did?"

I nodded. "Aoi was fascinated by them, of course. Although I didn't get to tell her about the stars and constellations we spent the last two years obsessing about. She fell asleep."

"And Natsume?"

Thank God for the wind that blew my hair in my face, or else Tsubasa would've seen how deeply I was blushing. "What about him?"

"What did you guys talk about?"

"Oh." I remembered our conversation last night, when he practically opened up to me then shut down right away. "He actually told me about his parents and how he wanted to leave town, but he couldn't, because of Aoi."

Tsubasa nodded. "Yeah, I know. He loves his sister too much."

"One of the many things you have in common," I said, grinning at him.

He grinned back. "Oh yeah?"

"You bet."

"Well then, if you're right, I have the best sister in the world."

* * *

**Yeah, I know. Cheesy. Haha. Now I know ya'll can't wait for the next chapter, so I will update fast. But this may be the last "blast from the past" chapter (I have no idea why I call it that). But like I said, this chap has some hints of what's gonna happen later in the story. Okay, I'm talking too much. 'Til the next update! Ciao~ xx**


	14. Chapter 14

**Okay, here it is. I wrote this from 1 am until 3 am in morning, so I'm sorry if some things don't make sense to you. I promise to clarify in the next chapter. Enjoy! x**

* * *

I drove myself at the Malibu Park. It was quiet, with only a few people present. I hadn't realized that my face was streaming with tears when I sat down by the lake. It was me and Tsubasa's spot whenever we went on our annual camping trip. Ever since we first went stargazing, we've been studying about the stars and constellations ever since. And we'd have a contest to whoever would find the most constellations at night.

I let out a sob, and buried my head in my knees, hugging them against my chest. How could my mom do it? Not being vulnerable? For the last two years, Tokyo was our distraction from everything here in Malibu. I just couldn't grasp the fact that someone who has always been there, who I never thought would be gone in an instant, isn't here anymore. I'd never see my brother again. Or hear his voice and his laughter. I'd wish this was all a dream. That was the only thing I ever prayed for ever since I lost my brother. I would give anything in the world to have him here again. Anything.

"Mikan! Mikan, are you okay?"

My breath caught in my throat. I turned around to see Tsubasa running towards me with a very worried expression. I knew it. Everything that happened was just a stupid nightmare. I grinned at my brother. "I'm fine, Tsubasa," I replied. "God, where have you been? Everyone's been worried about you."

He completely ignored my question, and started shaking my shoulders, as if trying to snap me out of a hypnosis. "Mikan! Answer me. Are you okay?"

The next thing I knew, I was lying on the grass, my hair sprawled over my tear-streaked face. I jolted up, breathless, and found Natsume kneeling down beside me. He was studying me intently, contemplating on what he should say. I looked at him, and my surroundings, and realized I had been fooled by my own conscience. And then, I burst in tears, my breath being caught up in between sobs. I felt Natsume's arms around me then, and my head pressed against his chest.

"Shh," he murmured, in my hair, "It's going to be okay."

He was the last person I wanted to see right now, but it's been a long time since someone held me like that. The last time was when I was in the fourth grade and sprained my elbow and my mom rocked me in her arms the whole ride to the hospital. It felt nice. And comforting.

So I didn't care if I threw up on Natsume and was now soaking his shirt with tears, because truthfully, he kinda deserved it.

* * *

Okay, maybe saying Natsume deserved all those things I did to him (unintentionally) was a little... heartless. Because he did drop me off at home, again. And didn't try to talk to me, because he knew I was incapable of that due to my breakdown last night. But he had some serious explaining to do. And that was the least I could give back to him. Or was it too much?

Anyway, I was still in bed the next day, and it was almost two in the afternoon. My curtains were closed, air conditioning at full blast and my comforter covering my entire body. My eyes were all puffy and my head throbbing (what else is new?), and I was thankful neither of my parents dragged me out of bed. Yet. I replayed what happened last night in my head, cringing at the memories. But what hurt me the most was that awful dream. I honestly thought these past two years was just a terrible nightmare. But it was idiotic to ever think that.

Just then, I heard a loud knock on my door. "Mikan, you've had enough space. It's two o'clock in the afternoon. Please get out of bed so we could talk."

I didn't answer. I'd rather let my mom think I was dead or something.

I heard my dad's muffled voice from the other side of the door. "Honey, I really think we should let Mikan have this day to herself. Did you not see her last night?"

Yes. Thank you, Dad. You're now my hero.

"But shouldn't we talk about it with her? Or at least feed her?"

"Of course," my dad answered. "She'll go out when she wants to. But not now. This isn't easy for her than it is for us. Just give her today."

Finally, my mom let out a defeated sigh. "Okay. You're right."

I fell asleep again, and when I woke up two hours later, I heard my bedroom door open, and felt someone sit on my bed. My heart beat picked up. If this was another one of my minds...

"Mikan, let's talk please. Or at least eat something."

God, it was just my mom. My back was turned to her, so she really didn't know if I was awake yet. I didn't respond. Now that she did mention it, it was almost twenty-four hours since I last ate something. My stomach growled. Damn it.

Mom sighed. "I thought so. I brought up some waffles I made earlier. Please talk to me, honey."

"How'd you get in here?" I asked, my voice rasped.

"Keys to every room in this house," she replied.

I was still pissed at her for last night, when she practically threw a party on Tsubasa's death anniversary. It was like spitting on his grave. But I was hungry, so I turned to face her, and sat up. She silently handed me the plate of waffles, and I finished all three pieces in like, ten seconds.

"Do you want more?" she asked.

I shook my head. My life might seriously suck right now, but food makes it slightly bearable.

"So, about what happened yesterday-"

"I don't want to talk about that right now, Mom," I interrupted. "I understand that I have to apologize to Natsume, again. But I don't feel like talking about what happened. But I will tell you I was pissed off by what you did."

Her eyes widened. "What did I do?"

I gave her a disbelieving look, and got out of bed. I needed a bath. "Okay," she said, standing up. "I know that throwing a steak out wasn't your idea of how to celebrate Tsubasa's anniversary, but everyone that knew your brother wanted them to be there. It wasn't like I could kick them all out."

"Bullshit," I muttered.

My mother gasped. "What was that?"

I was about to yell at her and tell her what I thought, but then I remembered what Ruka told me last night. As I took a good look at my mother, who was both mad and surprised, I also noticed that she looked tired. That's when I realized that all I did for the past two years was think of myself. All along I thought I was the only one who was miserable and that no one understood me. And that I was the only one who lost someone. My parents lost their son and I lost a brother. It wasn't about who was hurting the most. It was about being strong for one another.

So I threw out of my brain everything I'd thought wrong for the past two years, and walked over to my mother and embraced her. At first she froze slightly, obviously shocked of my sudden reaction and the put her arms around me. They were firm. It had been a long time since my mother embraced me. I felt the safest in my mom's arms.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered. "For everything."

She stroked my hair, and kissed my head. "Oh, honey. I'm sorry. I haven't been the best mother to you, have I?"

"And I haven't been the best daughter," I replied.

She laughed slightly and rubbed my back. "It's okay, Mikan. Mommy's here. Everything will be all right."

I hadn't realized that I was crying again, until I heard my mom's soothing voice. And when she said that, I believed her.

* * *

For the past three days, I've been avoiding Natsume. And by doing that, I had to be real observant of his shifts. His lifeguard duty started at eight in the morning, with a lunch break from 12 noon to 1 pm, and ended at four in the afternoon. I noticed that Ruka was also lifeguarding, and that his shifts were the same as Natsume's only his ended at six in the afternoon because he starts at ten in the morning. Anyway, I knew that Natsume deserved to explain things to me, but I just couldn't handle talking to him yet. Not after that breakdown I had. But I still went to my job of course, where Hotaru ignored me all the time, and says three words to me at the most. Not that it still bothered me, because I was getting used to it.

Which is why she surprised me one Friday morning by talking to me before the store opened. "Why are you so early all the time?" she asked.

I tried my best to hide my surprise, as if her talking to me wasn't a big deal. "I'm an early bird now," I said, nonchalantly. Since I had to avoid Natsume, I had to get up extra early in the morning so I wouldn't run into him. And I would just hang out at Starbucks and wait until it was near opening time. This was worth it anyway, since I crash right away into bed and sometimes waking up the following day already.

She snorted. "Oh yeah? Since when?"

I blinked a few times. She remembered that I never woke up before 8 a.m. at any day. Is this some sort of sign that... Ugh. Stop it, Mikan. There you go again, overthinking. "Since I started this job," I replied.

Hotaru just rolled her eyes and flipped open the "Sorry, we're closed" sign. And that was it. She didn't say anything else to me for the rest of the day.

On the way home, I was too deep in thought about my conversation with Hotaru a while ago, still a little shocked that she talked to me in a casual manner. I tried to not read into it though, because it might just turn out into a huge disappointment.

I was too distracted that I didn't notice I took the short cut and was now walking through the main beach where Natsume was posted. Usually I take the longer way and pass through the other side of the beach, far from him so he couldn't see me. But now, that chances of him seeing me is, I don't know, 98 percent.

"Shit," I muttered, as I walked swiftly to my house, slightly covering myself with my cap (thank God for this). Unfortunately, it seemed like I was the only one walking on the beach wearing a polo shirt and jeans, so I could be easily spotted. Surely enough, Natsume saw me, jumped down his lifeguard seat, called my name, and ran after me. I pretended not to hear him of course, and controlled myself to not bolt into a run to my house. I was almost there anyway, so if he didn't call my name again and stopped running, I could-

"Mikan! Wait!"

Too late. He caught my arm-gently this time-and spun me towards him. So I had no other choice but to finally talk to him.

"There you are," he said. "I haven't seen you in days. Where have you been?"

I noticed that we were too close from each other, so I stepped backwards. "I've been busy," I answered, curtly. "With my job."

He nodded, but it seemed that he didn't buy it. "You haven't been avoiding me, have you?"

Of course he would notice. He wasn't stupid. "Of course not," I said. "I just had a lot going on."

"Look about, Saturday..."

This would've been the good time to cut him off. But I didn't. He just trailed off by himself, clearly forming his explanation in his head. But I had to do some apologizing first on my behalf. "Wait before you say anything," I said. "I just want to tell you that I'm sorry for the trouble I caused that night. I mean, first I throw up on you, then I soak your shirt with my tears. Then, you drove me home for the second time. I promise it won't happen again."

I was surprised to see that there was a hint of hurt in his eyes. Like I've offended him or something. My apology was sincere. And wasn't he the one who was supposed to feel guilty and not me? "Mikan," he said in a serious tone, "those things I did, I did them for you. So you don't have to apologize for that. I'm the one who should be apologizing."

Well there you go. I waited.

He took a deep breath. "Look, about Misaki and I, it isn't what it seems."

I crossed my arms over my chest. Did he think I was stupid? "What the hell was that supposed to look like then?" I said. "You know, just because my brother's gone doesn't mean that you stop being his best friend. Just like I never stopped being his sister. It doesn't work that way, Natsume. Imagine if he were here and he saw you two. Could you actually stand to see him hurt?"

"I know, I did make a mistake. But just hear me out, okay?"

I waited, scowling at him.

"When your brother...died," he continued, "everyone was devastated, obviously. I went into a mental shock for days, that Aoi was afraid to talk to me. I just didn't want to believe that it happened. And then a few weeks later, when you moved, I felt so alone. You and Tsubasa were practically like family and it felt like someone ripped out my heart. Then, one day I saw Misaki sitting at your porch steps crying. I wanted to that too. Cry. I didn't cry the entire time it happened. Like I said, I literally went into shock. Anyway, I approached her, and saw the same thing in her eyes that I saw in mine whenever I looked into the mirror. Grief. So I just sat there with her, and cried for the first time since it happened." He paused, swallowing. I saw a hint if tears in his eyes, and mine stung a little.

"And ever since then, we started hanging out," he continued. "It was just as friends, I swear. I just found myself comfortable around her, because she was the person who broke down my walls. But one day, I don't know what happened. We just looked at each other, and then we kissed. I know it was wrong. Trust me, nothing ever felt more wrong in my life. We pulled apart like after three seconds, then she just started crying and telling me how much she loved your brother."

So I was right. He did change because of a girl. I remembered seeing Misaki last week, with her bubbly attitude. It was hard to tell if she was still mourning over my brother. Ruka was right. Just because we were happy on the outside, doesn't mean we weren't breaking on the inside.

When I didn't answer, Natsume continued. "So we just stayed that way. I promise you, we didn't get into a relationship. I could never do that to Tsubasa. And Misaki still loves him. And probably always will."

"But that night, I saw you two coming out from your house. Together," I said, speaking for the first time.

"Yes, but that's because she came to me earlier that evening saying that she couldn't handle seeing your family and not have a total breakdown. She almost had one when she saw you when you got here. So I ended up comforting her that night. You know, just being present."

I didn't know why I didn't seem convinced, but the relationship between Natsume and Misaki couldn't be more than brotherly or sisterly, right? And I believed Natsume, because why would he lie now? Unless he was a total jackass and never cared about my brother. But I highly doubted that.

Natsume sighed and slumped his shoulders. "Are you still mad at me?"

He was looking at me with those puppy-dog eyes (if dogs had crimson colored eyes). That was one move he never did when we were kids. How much did Misaki change him anyway? But okay. I was a girl and I was helpless when it came to men begging you to forgive them, shirtless. And ever since things started to look good with my mom, I didn't feel any anger in me anymore. Mostly just fear. Because the ocean was only a few feet away.

"No," I told him. "We're good."

* * *

**Now I know what you're thinking. Why si Misaki the reason why Natsume changed shouldn't it supposed to be Mikan cause they're meant for each other? (Well maybe something like that). As I said above I would clarify things in the next chapter :) 'til the next update! Ciao~! x**


	15. Chapter 15

**I must apologize for the little delay, because like I said, June is going to be a busy month. And probably July too. So I might only be updating once or twice a week. I'm sad about it too, because I really love writing.**

**Anyway, here the update. Emjoy!**

* * *

It was a bright sunny day in Malibu and for whatever reason, I was in a particularly good mood today. I knew it was work day, and I wasn't even looking forward to that. It had been days since Natsume and I were "buddies." I found it more comfortable talking to him about things (except for the ocean thing). And we got along pretty well. On the other hand, my relationship with Hotaru was confusing. She never talked to me again after that day when she asked me why I was early to work. And I didn't either. It was easier that way, better than practically talking to a wall.

I walked in to Tony's Ice Cream shop and saw that Hotaru was already there. Usually I was earlier than her, so it was a bit odd to me that she was seated at a table, finishing a cup of Starbucks coffee.

"Hey," I said. I always greet her when she comes in, and usually I would just get a nod in reply, or no reply at all.

"Hey," she said, surprising me. She stood up, threw her coffee in the trash, and walked over to me by the entrance. "Can I ask you something?"

This was a first. "Sure," I replied, cautiously.

"Are you free tonight?"

I blinked at her. Did I just hear her right?

When I wasn't able to answer, she sighed. "Ruka's throwing this party at the beach later, I thought maybe you'd like to come."

She thought maybe I'd like to come. Does it mean that Ruka didn't force her to invite me? She didn't seem chagrined. Just a little... embarrassed maybe? Whoa. Weird.

"Sure," I replied.

"Be there at seven." And with that, she proceeded to the counter and ignored me for the whole day.

* * *

"I mean, it's just weird," I was telling my mom that day, after I got home from work. Since I had realized that the clothes I brought here aren't really summer clothes, I didn't have anything to wear for Ruka's party. So Mom let me raid her closet. "Why would she talk to me all of a sudden? I'm sure she made it clear that she hates me."

"She doesn't hate you," Mom said, as she took out a dress from a rack. She showed it to me. It was a blue strapless dress. I shook my head at it. "Remind me to take you shopping for summer clothes."

"She does, Mom. I mean, she completely ignored me for weeks. Weeks! Then she suddenly invites me to her boyfriend's party, claiming that he didn't force her to do it. Well, she didn't really 'claim' anything, but still. It's beyond weird."

"I'm sorry, but who is this boyfriend?"

I sighed, and sat on on the carpeted floor in my mom's closet. "Ruka."

"Really?" she said, sounding surprised. "Huh, so that explains why they were always together during that steak out..."

Things between my mom and I have been going smoothly since that day I apologized to her. And I gotta say, I did miss this relationship we had. Where we could talk to each other comfortably. I hadn't realized that I completely shut my parents out. But I was working on building those relationships up again.

"I don't even know if I want to go to this thing," I muttered.

"What are you talking about? You're going. You said yes to her invitation, and wouldn't it be a bit rude if you didn't show up? And don't worry. I'm sure I've got something perfect here."

I sighed again. I've been doing a lot of that lately. It's not that I didn't want to be there, because I do want my friendship back with Hotaru, but I what if I was just getting my hopes up again? What if she only invited me because she felt sorry for me? But on the other hand, if she did hate me, why would she care at all? So maybe everyone was right. Hotaru didn't hate me. Sometimes, I just feel dumb.

"Perfect!" I jumped at my mother's exclamation, and saw that she was holding out a pink, spaghetti-strapped, floral sundress that had an empire waist. It wasn't really my type of clothing, but I had to admit, it was pretty.

"Yeah, it is," I said in agreement. "How come I never saw you wear that before?"

Mom had a guilty look on her face. "I bought it when we were still in Tokyo. It reminded me of you when I saw it, so I just had to buy it. I just, um, never had the chance to give it to you."

Now it my turn to be guilty. Had I really been that cruel that my own mother couldn't give me a dress? "Mom—"

She held her hand up, stopping me. "I know, honey. And it's okay." She handed the dress over to me. "It's all yours."

I stood up from the floor, and hugged her. "Thanks, Mom."

"Oh and you have to braid that long hair of yours," she said, when we separated. "And I suppose you packed a bathing suit with you, right? You have to put it under your clothes."

Even if my relationship with my mom had progressed, I still couldn't tell her I was afraid of being in water. I never told anybody yet. And I wasn't sure how long I could keep this up. "Um, as a matter of fact, I think I did forget to pack bathing suits," I told her. "But it's fine, really. I don't plan on going swimming tonight."

She stared at me, perplexed. "You didn't bring bathing suits? Not even a single one?"

Okay, the truth was I did bring one. But I wasn't planning on wearing that anytime soon. I shook my head in reply. "I guess it just slipped my mind. But like I said, it's no problem."

"But you're going to a beach party," she argued.

"And I'll be hanging out at the shore. Where it's sandy." I quickly thanked her for the dress again, and practically ran back to my room. Where it's sandy? God, Mikan.

* * *

Ruka's house was not that far away from mine, so when I went outside, I could hear the music and the laughter of people from a distance. I had to say, I did miss my party girl life in Tokyo. But only a little bit. No way was I getting myself drunk again. I was about to walk on there, when I saw Natsume coming out of his house, dressed in a white polo shirt and khakis shorts.

"Hey there," I said. I didn't see him this afternoon, but he didn't seem surprised to see me. Maybe he thought Ruka was the one who invited me himself.

"Hey, you look nice," he commented.

I should have brushed off his compliment like I normally do with others, but for some reason, the way he said it made my cheeks flush. I felt alarmed by this reaction. It's just Natsume, Mikan, I thought to myself. "Thanks," I replied. "You don't look too bad yourself."

He smiled at me and we started the short walk to Ruka's house.

"So, Hotaru invited me," I said. "Like, this morning. It was weird. She just came up to me and talked to me. In a non-hostile way."

Natsume gasped exaggeratedly. "Not the Hotaru we know!"

I laughed and smacked his arm. "I'm serious. I mean, why would she do that?"

"For the record," he said, rubbing the part of his arm where I hit him, "that really hurt. And let's see. Why would Hotaru do such a thing? Hmmm. Maybe she wants to start a war? Or maybe she wants to end a nonexistent one?"

I rolled my eyes at him. The closer we got, the more he was returning to his old cocky self. And I liked that. Nice guys are way overrated. "Hilarious."

"Look, I may not know Hotaru like you did, but I know she wouldn't give up on someone important in her life." When I gave him a questioning look, he raised his arms in defense. "Ruka's words, my friend. But still. I believe him. And I know that you're important to her even after what happened between you two. So for the last time, Hotaru doesn't hate you."

I really did want to believe him. But ever since that horrible dream I had of Tsubasa, I vowed myself to never expect anything from anyone. Or anything. That way, no one gets hurt. So I just gave Natsume a shrug in reply, and he didn't say anything after that.

"Hey kiddo!" Ruka engulfed me in an embrace. "Glad you could make it!"

I grinned at him, and looked around for Hotaru. She was over by the pier, sitting by herself. If she really didn't despise me, then I needed to talk to her. Ruka glanced behind him, then back at me. "Go," he said. "Talk to her."

"Thanks," I answered, then walked towards the pier.

"Hey."

Hotaru glanced behind her, clearly surprised to see me standing there. For once, her expression wasn't stoic. "Hey," she replied.

"Why aren't you at the party?" I asked.

"I needed some quiet time."

I nodded. "Mind if I sit?"

"Go ahead."

I sat beside her, both of our feet dangling from the edge. A wave of nostalgia hit me during that moment. I wanted to be a kid again, where everything was so simple. Where hanging out at the pier with my best friend made my day.

"Do you remember when we were kids where and we always hung out here?" I said. "That was relaxing."

"Of course I did," she said, quietly. "And do you remember that time when Natsume hit your head with a Frisbee and you fell in the water?"

I laughed. Of all memories, why did she have to bring that one up? "Yeah. That was the day when..." I trailed off, realizing that I was about to say, "the day when I developed a crush on Natsume Hyuuga."

"The day when what?" Hotaru asked.

I hesitated, then decided that I should tell her. I mean, it was ages ago. And that silly crush was long gone. "Okay, but you have to promise not to laugh."

She cocked an eyebrow at me. "This should be interesting."

I took a deep breath. "That day, I realized that I had a crush on Natsume."

I expected that she laugh, despite what I said. But she just rolled her eyes at me. "Oh. I know, dummy."

My mouth fell open. "You knew?" My heart warmed a little when she called me "dummy." It was her version of a term of endearment to me.

"Duh," she said, matter-of-factly. "You're my best friend. It was pretty obvious to me. Although if I remember correctly, that day was also the day when we made our oath to not fall in love with a boy."

I groaned in embarrassment. "Was I really that obvious?"

"Mikan, I can practically see your heart pounding through your chest every time he walks in the room." My eyes widened. "Kidding," she added. "But you get fidgety, and flustered. It only took me a week to realize that you sold me out."

"You're not mad are you?" I said.

She actually laughed and shook her head. "No. Although I want to know one thing."

"What?"

"Do you still like him?"

"No!" I exclaimed. "Of course not. That was just a childhood crush. Nothing more. I'm completely over it."

"Are you sure? Because he looks better now if you ask me." She glanced behind her, and I followed. We saw Natsume laughing with a bunch of guys in the distance.

"I am aware of that," I replied. "I mean come on. A lifeguard? Who would've thought? But those feelings are long gone. I promise."

Hotaru just shrugged, as if telling me, "Let's go with that."

We stayed in silence for a few minutes. But it wasn't awkward at all. It felt nice to have this comfortable silence between us. After weeks of one-sided conversations and single-worded answers, Hotaru and I finally had an easy-going conversation. It was like nothing had changed. But at the same time, everything did too.

"Hotaru?" I said, quietly. "Do you still... hate me?"

"I never hated you," she answered, without skipping a beat. "I was angry, yes. Upset, yes. Hurt, yes. But I never hated you."

When she didn't continue, I asked, "But that day at your front porch. I was sure I was the nastiest thing on the planet to you."

She shook her head. "I was mad that day. When you didn't show up to dinner the night before, I thought you really didn't want to see me, which confirmed why you never called back. So, yeah I kinda poured out my anger on you. Well, you know me, I have an attitude problem. Then, later when I found out about the life you had in Tokyo—Ruka told me—I got jealous. Like your life was so much better without me. That you've completely forgotten about your best friend. So I let you go on with that life."

I stared at her, completely a loss at words. She was jealous of my life in Tokyo? But I hated my life there. To be honest, I was already feeling at home here again.

"I'm so sorry," I said. "I thought the same thing. That you didn't need me anymore. That's why I didn't call back. And I really should have. That's one of my biggest regrets." My biggest regret was I should have convinced Tsubasa to stay indoors during that day. I still couldn't shake off the guilt inside me. Another thing I've kept to myself.

"Are you still angry?" I asked, when she didn't answer.

She shook her head.

It was like something heavy has been lifted off my shoulders. But I still felt something weighing down on them. "Are we friends again?"

She shook her head once more, and my shoulders felt heavier again. "I don't think we can ever get our old friendship back," she said.

I nodded. She was right though. Like I kept on saying over and over again, everything had changed.

"But we can work our way to a new one," she added. I could hear the smile in her voice.

I smiled back at her, then laughed. "Starting now?" I held out my hand.

She shook it, as if sealing a deal. "Absolutely."

Okay, I did expect a little that we would be the best of friends again, just like before. But I figured that we've both evolved into different persons now. And going back down that road would be rocky. Besides, it felt good to have a fresh start. Like they say, one baby step at a time.

* * *

**Now I know what you're thinking. When will Mikan and Natsume's relationship start? It's been 15 chapters already.**

**Yeah, I couldn't believe it myself, but I will get there. One baby step at a time. Lol. This is me quoting myself, quoting another person. Kaykay, 'til the next update. Ciao!~ xx**


	16. Chapter 16

**Hey guys. I feel so bad, updating a little late. But gah, I've been busy and I hate it. Anyway, I hope you like this one. Enjoy! x**

* * *

_"Hey, Mikan. God, I miss you so much. I'm not even kidding. This place is fucking deserted. Literally in the middle of nowhere. And there's no damn signal. Anyway, call me when you get this!"_

_"Ugh. I am currently on the roof of my grandparents' house. I am too afraid to go out of this house at night. It's way creepy. Call me, biatch."_

_"Wait, do you still want me to visit? Because I asked my parents about it and they said yes, but only for like three days. It sucks, but at least we get to see each other! How you holdin' up there, Cali girl? Did you hook up with the hot lifeguard? I want the dirty deets. Call me right away. I must know everything!" _

I sighed, as I locked my phone. I completely forgot that it had been weeks since Sumire and I last talked. And I felt bad for it right away. I didn't want history to repeat itself. So I promised myself I'd call her back. After work. It was a Monday morning at Tony's Ice Cream shop, and now that Hotaru and I were getting along, work was much easier.

"Who was that?" Hotaru asked as I came back in after my break.

"A friend," I replied. "I met her in Tokyo."

I looked at Hotaru's reaction carefully, and she didn't seem bothered by this. "Oh. Is she coming to visit?"

My eyes widened. "You heard her voicemails?"

"No, I just thought that if she's your friend, she'd visit you here right?"

I nodded, considering this. "I Don't know yet. I have to ask my parents first. But, um, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Why didn't you come and visit me?"

When Hotaru didn't answer, I regretted asking her right away. "Sorry. Stupid question."

"It's okay," she said. "I did consider that, you know. But then there was also this fear that when I got there, you'd act like you don't know me. Or worse, not remember me at all."

"Oh." It felt like someone had shoved a knife in my chest, because partly, she was right. If she did visit me, maybe I would just glance at her like she was just another face in the crowd. But they way she said it, it was like she was still afraid to trust me again. "You know if I could change things that happened two years ago, I would. I wish that everyday."

She nodded. "I understand. But sometimes things happen for a reason, and we have no choice to accept them and move on with life."

I didn't need to reply to this because she was right. But the fact that my brother being gone was something that I had to accept and move on was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

* * *

It was lunch time, so the shop was always packed. I went to the cashier, and did my usual greeting. But what I didn't expect was being face to face with Tobita Yuu.

"Hi," he said. "Um, can I have one Rocky Road please?"

I hadn't seen him since that night he got me drunk (well I got myself drunk, but he brought me there even if I went), and seeing him here again made me uncomfortable. I already remembered clearly everything that happened to me that night. The way he tried to take advantage of me made me want to cringe. I didn't like this feeling. Being scared of someone.

"That'll be a dollar and forty-nine cents," I replied, curtly.

He handed me a two-dollar bill and I handed him his change. I noticed Hotaru was observing us. She gave me a questioning look. I know she heard about what happened, but didn't exactly know the details. I gave her a look saying, "I'll explain later," and she nodded. I was glad our way of communicating silently hasn't changed.

"Mikan, I—" Tobita started to say.

"Save it," I told him. "I know you're sorry. But please, I don't want to be friends with you. At least not now. Not yet. And would you mind moving along? You're holding up the line."

He looked behind him, where there were already three people standing and glaring at him. He apologized to them and turned back to me. "I am sorry, Mikan. I wasn't myself that day. And I would love it if we became friends."

I nodded, and he went over to get his ice cream from Hotaru, who now has her eyebrows raised at me. I let out a breath that I didn't notice I was holding in. I knew Tobita wasn't really that type of person, even if he used to be a jock and had those stereotypical qualities that came with it.

* * *

"So he got you drunk?"

"No," I said. "Technically, I got myself drunk. But he took me there."

"And tried to get laid?"

My cheeks flushed at that. "No. I mean, sort of. He asked me if I wanted to go to his place. But he was drunk too. So..." I had no idea why I was sort of defending Tobita. But the whole thing wasn't entirely his fault.

"That bastard," she said, darkly.

I laughed at that. "Yeah, but it's practically history. I don't even want to remember any of it." Hotaru and I walked back home together now, and I gotta say, the long walk was worth the while with someone accompanying you.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"For what?"

"For being a bitch to you. If I knew that was what you were going through then—"

"Stop," I said. "It's history."

Just then, Natsume approached us, and my heart rate got noticeably faster. Then I panicked. Why was I having these reactions every time I... No. My stupid crush on Natsume was over ages ago. And I wasn't planning on having those feelings back again. They were too much to handle.

"Hey guys!" he greeted cheerfully. I still wasn't used to seeing him so perky all the time.

"Hyuuga," Hotaru acknowledged in a flat tone.

Natsume rolled his eyes at her. "Good to see you too, Hotaru."

"So what's up?" I said, loosening up the tension between the two of them.

Natsume looked uneasy for a moment, and he glanced between Hotaru and I. "Are you free tomorrow night?" he asked me.

His question completely took me off guard. I glanced at Hotaru and she raised her eyebrows. "I think so," I answered, as casually as possible.

"Well I better get going," Hotaru said. When I glared at her, she glared at me back and gestured her hand in a phone position.

"Cool," Natsume said. "I'll be at your house at around seven. Is that cool?"

Was he asking me out? "It's not a date," he quickly added when he saw my expression. "I just want to take you somewhere."

I cocked an eyebrow at him. "Isn't that what a date is supposed to be like?"

"Well, um. Do you...want it...to be?"

"No!" I said, my cheeks flaming. "I mean, we're just hanging out right?"

"Sure."

"Right. And should I know where you're taking me?"

He smiled slyly. "Nope."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Alright. See you tomorrow."

* * *

I was so freaking nervous.

And I had no idea why! I mean, Jesus, obviously this shindig I had tonight isn't a date, but my nerves weren't calming down. This doesn't make sense. I would be this nervous if I was, let's say, 15 years old, when I was head over heals for him...

No. I was not going back down that road again. Having feelings for someone is like rolling over in broken glass. Extremely painful. I knew Natsume had no interest in me before, since I was his best friend's sister and all, but back then I still hoped. Besides, we were just friends now. And it wasn't a date. He was just taking me somewhere I know nothing about.

"Wow, you look nice," my dad commented when he entered the living room. This was usually the time where he lounges on the couch and watches t.v. until he fell asleep. But now I was seated on his spot, wearing a white floral sundress, with my hair braided back.

"I do?" I said, in a panicked voice. Because this wasn't a date, so I didn't want to seem like I was trying too hard.

"Of course," he replied. Then he saw the worried expression on my face. "What's wrong?"

I sighed. I should just stop overthinking all together and get a grip. Okay, my dad said I looked nice. All dads are required to say that to their daughters. "I'm going out tonight," I answered. "Where's Mom?"

"Really? With who? Your mom's at some old friend's house."

"Natsume," I said, nonchalantly.

Thankfully, my dad didn't think any of this. "Oh. Okay then. Have fun." It was either he didn't care I was going out with Natsume or he really wanted to watch his t.v programs. Probably the latter.

"I'm leaving now," I told him. "And don't fall asleep on the couch."

He chuckled. "No promises, honey."

I smiled at him before grabbing my jacket and heading out the door. I felt the cold night summer air once I stepped out. Then, I saw Natsume only having come out of his house. "Hey!" He waved at me.

I waved back, and we met halfway in between our houses. Also, he looked incredibly good tonight. He had a tank top underneath his polo shirt, and was wearing his usual khaki shorts. I hadn't realized I was already staring at him. Fortunately, he didn't notice.

"So, should we go?"

"Yeah," I said. "But one more thing. How do I know you're not going to hold me hostage anywhere?"

Natsume chuckled. "I can assure you, this date is hostage-free."

"Date?"

He shrugged. "Might as well call it that. Unless you want to call it a gathering-of-two-people then that's works too."

I blinked, confused. Just yesterday he said it wasn't a date, and now he wants to call it one. "I think I prefer hanging-out."

"Are you that repulsed of the idea of me going on a date with you?" he said. "Just kidding, Mikan. Hanging-out works too."

Okay, this was getting more awkward by the minute. Or was it me just thinking that? Because Natsume just grinned at me, as he escorted me into his truck.

"You know," I said, fifteen minutes later, when I noticed we were driving far from the city, "my parents are going to send out a rescue team if we don't come back."

He chuckled. "Mikan, would you relax? Geez, we're almost there anyway."

A few moments later, he pulled up somewhere on a hill. When we got out of the truck, I noticed right away the smell of seawater and the sound of the waves banging on the cliff. I did not expect this.

"Where are we?" I asked, clutching onto my jacket. Man, it was freezing out here.

"On a cliff," he answered, as we started walking. "Your brother and I used to come up here all the time. We'd just sit there on the edge, and sometimes go for a swim. You know, just to get away from it all."

"Why did you bring me here?"

"Well, I just thought you'd like it here. It's a good place to think."

Once we reached the top of the hill, I had to admit the view at night was breathtaking. We could see the moon clearly, and the water looked peaceful and scary at the same time. Natsume was right though. This place was relaxing.

"Come on," he said, grabbing my wrist and leading me towards the edge. One glance below me, and I would've had a breakdown. If this moment was happening two years ago, I would've grabbed Natsume's hand, and jumped into the water together. Too bad that wasn't the case.

We both sat down on the edge of the cliff, our legs dangling. I told myself to breathe. I didn't realize I was tightly holding on to Natsume's hand. I let it go immediately and tucked them in my jacket.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Fine," I answered, a little breathless. "Just cold."

He started to take off his jacket when I stopped him. "No, it's fine. I think I'm warm now."

"You sure?"

I nodded. I looked up at the sky, and there I saw the stars but I could only see a few. "Hey can I ask you something?" I said, still looking up.

"Sure."

"Do you remember that time when I slept over at your house and we went stargazing on the beach?"

A smile crept across his face. "Yeah, I remember. Why?"

"I just remembered the conversation we had," I said. "About leaving town. You never really got to that, did you?"

He was silent for a moment and I wondered if I brought up a sensitive subject. "No," he replied, smiling. "Not really."

"Do you regret not leaving?"

"No. I'm glad I stayed."

"I'm glad you did." I clamped my hand on my mouth. I realized a second too late, that I just said that out loud. I wasn't even thinking it! It just recklessly came out of my mouth.

"You are?" I could hear the smile in his voice.

"No. I mean, yes. I mean, I'm glad you stayed for Aoi."

"Can I ask you something?" he said.

"Sure."

"Did you miss this place when you left? I know how you don't like being back here again, but did you miss it at all?"

I looked at him, thinking about my answer. "At first of course I wanted to come back. But then later I started to think living an easy life was the best way to avoid pain. It seemed like all of us, my mom, dad, me, were all doing it. Then when we came back here, something changed. It was like moving was a wrong decision, but it seemed like it was right too. I don't know, I guess things are meant to happen." Wow, I can't believe I just said that. I didn't even realize that was what I felt until I said it out loud.

"She wasn't the only reason why I stayed," Natsume said, out of nowhere. There was seriousness in his voice, and it scared me a little.

"Oh yeah?" I said, lightly. "What other reason is there?"

Instead of answering me, he stood up and took off his jacket. "Wanna go for a swim? I dare you to jump in that freezing water."

I felt like all the blood in my face was drained entirely. "Are you crazy? Do you want us to freeze to death?"

He rolled his eyes. "Don't be so dramatic. Come on. Just for fun."

I felt it now. Bile was rising up in my throat. I wanted to throw up so bad, but I swallowed hard. He wasn't going to see me doing that here. "I don't have my suit," I said.

"That's fine. We'll get out as soon as it's too cold for us. You ready?"

I wanted to tell him, I really did. But I couldn't control the urge to throw up right now. "Excuse me," I croaked before running down the hill.

"Mikan, are you okay?" I heard Natsume shout behind me. I could hear him running after me. I ran faster and spotted a nearby bush and vomited my guts out. As I tasted the awful taste in my mouth, I thought I could handle my fear now, since it's been weeks that I stayed here already, and looking at the ocean didn't seem to bother me anymore. I wondered if it was something more. Because whatever it was, it was getting worse.

* * *

**How's that for a start of MikanxNatsume moments? Haha. Sorry Mikan had to ruin it though. And to make it up to you for updating late, next chapter will be full of MikanxNatsume moments :) and I promise to update sooner!**

**'Til the next update! Ciao!~ xx**


	17. Chapter 17

**Hey there! Yep, this is me updating late. Looks like I'll only be updating once a week now. I feel so bad. Anyway, here's the latest chapter! Enjoy x**

* * *

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes," I replied. But I still felt sick to my stomach. When Natsume caught up with me after I ran from him, he had to see the not so pretty sight of me puking my guts out. God, I had to stop associating my vomit with Natsume. Jesus. He was driving the both of us home and apologizing every five seconds.

"I am so sorry, Mikan," he said for the eighth time. "I didn't know you were sick. I shouldn't have taken you out tonight."

"Stop," I told him, for also the eighth time. "It's not your fault. I didn't know I was sick today. It's probably the flu or something. I'll be fine, don't worry about it."

He glanced at me worriedly. "Are you sure? Do you need me take you to the hospital?"

"No," I said, mortified. I pictured him rushing me to the ER just because I had a mental breakdown. "I think I just need to sleep it off."

"Okay, we're almost there."

Minutes later, we pulled over in front of our houses, and he immediately walked to the passenger's side, and opened the door for me. My head still felt woozy, but other than that, I was fine. But mostly embarrassed to death.

"Well," I said, when we were both in front of my house, "that get-together-of-two-people went well."

"What are you talking about? I had fun."

I rolled my eyes, and lightly smacked his shoulder. "Shut up. I totally ruined it. And this is like the billionth time you saved my ass."

"Not true," he said. "I only did that once. The last time and tonight, I only drove you home."

"Thank you, anyway. It means a lot."

There was a silence between us, and I noticed Natsume was staring at me. Which for some reason, made my cheeks flush.

"Well, I better go," I said. "Thanks for tonight, even if it sucked for you."

He shook his head. "It didn't suck for me."

"Didn't suck for me, either." My eyes flickered to his lips for a second, then I cleared my throat. "Um, thanks again. Good night."

"Wait."

I looked at him, and he just stared back at me. But there was something else in his eyes. Something I've never seen before. I couldn't quite describe it yet, but it sent electricity jolting through my whole body.

"Good night," he said.

I waited. Was that all? Did I want I want more? My feelings were all screwed up again. We just stared at each other for two more seconds, until I cleared my throat once again. "Good night," I replied.

When I was in the safety of my room, I was breathless. Mostly because I ran all the way here, but that moment with Natsume a while ago, I felt like the whole universe shifted. I looked around me, and saw that my room was exactly the way it was when I left it earlier. But one thing's for sure: I wasn't the same anymore. Not after that.

* * *

I couldn't sleep last night. I only slept for like fifteen minutes, because I spent all night thinking back to that moment I had with Natsume. As much as I'd hate to admit it, it was something that was impossible to overlook. It wasn't just a stupid crush anymore. It was way more than that. I wanted him. I wanted him to put his arms around me and brush his lips against mine...

"Mikan."

I suddenly jolted up, wide awake. It took me a while to remember where I was. My cap was covering half of my face, so I took it off and it slid across the counter. I literally fell asleep on the job for the second time today. I was surprised Hotaru wasn't chewing my ass out for it.

"Sorry," I muttered, sitting up. My head was buried in my arms earlier while I was sleeping on the counter. Thank God it was almost closing time.

"You look horrible. What happened to you?"

"I didn't get any sleep last night. As in at all. I slept for like fifteen minutes or something."

"Why?"

I hesitated, my cheeks flushing. Damn it, I was dreaming about him again. Jesus. "Um, I guess I drank a lot of coffee or something."

Hotaru arched an eyebrow at me. "Oh? Then why are you blushing?"

My hand immediately flew to my right cheek. It was warm, all right. "I'm not. It's just warm here. Hey, aren't we supposed to close up or something?"

"Ten minutes," she answered. "Now tell me what's up. We are not leaving this place until you do."

I winced. I wanted to tell her badly. But what if she'll laugh at my face? Or worse, she would say, "Oh. I know." Then that would mean, I was the most open book in the history of the universe.

"Tell me, Sakura," she said, her voice almost reaching threatening. "Five, four, three—"

"Okay! You don't have to freaking count. You know how that still freaks me out." I sighed. "Fine. I will tell you. But only if you come with me. I need to tell you something else."

Now, that came right out of my mouth at that moment. If I was going to tell someone about my fear, it would definitely be Hotaru. She examined me for a moment, and let out a sigh. "Okay."

Half-an-hour later, I led Hotaru to the pier. It was a quiet afternoon for some reason, the boats were docking on the other side of the beach. I looked down, and felt the nausea again. I took a deep breath.

"Why did you take me here?" Hotaru asked.

"So we can talk privately."

"Okay," she said, slowly. "What did you want to tell me?"

After taking in a deep breath, I began to tell her. I kept my eyes on her the whole time, and she did the same. Sometimes my gaze would wander to the sea, and my insides would churn. I didn't get it. Was it last night at the cliff that triggered my breaking point? It took all my will not to run away from this pier. I felt relieved when I was finished. Again, something heavy was lifted off my chest. It felt gratifying having told someone about it.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Hotaru said, when I was done. We were now seated at the front porch steps of her house. She convinced we should continue talking there instead.

"I don't know," I admitted. "I didn't tell anyone about it. Not even my parents. Before, I didn't want anyone to know because I think it's a weakness. I still think it is, but honestly, I guess I should have told someone sooner. And you know, my family's doing good now and we're getting along so well, I didn't want to include my problems in it. My parents deserve happiness too. It's been a long time."

"Mikan, being afraid of something doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. And you deserve happiness just as they do. I know you can overcome this. You have always been so strong."

I wanted to tell her otherwise. I wasn't even close to being strong. My mother was strong. But I lived a pathetic life for two years playing self-pity because I was too weak to be strong for my family. But I just stayed silent.

"You're still not telling me something," she said.

"Really? I swear I told you everything."

"No, not about that. You still didn't tell me why you were up all night. I'm guessing it's something different that what we were just talking about. So, spill."

My cheeks immediately flushed. And... there was that other thing with Natsume. I didn't know if I could even tell her anything, because I was still clueless on the subject.

"Oh my God," she said, when she saw me blushing. "I think I know what this is about."

She knew me so well. "You do?"

"Yes. But I want to hear it from you."

I sighed. Since she obviously got it more figured out than I did (which happened most of the time, really), there was no point not telling her. "Okay," I said. "Do you remember the other day when Natsume asked me if I was free last night? Well, we sort of went on a... date. Although we both agreed it wasn't one, I mean, it is considered a date if you're going out with a guy alone right? And that's what we did. So—"

"Hold up," she interrupted. "You went on a date with Hyuuga?"

"Yes?" I said, in a small voice.

Her eyes narrowed. "Go on."

I told her about what happened on that cliff, and how I puked myself to the bottom. Literally. And since it was impossible lying to Hotaru (mostly because she could always tell when I was), I didn't leave out the part when we both said "Good night" to each other, and that being the reason why I didn't get any sleep.

"Holy shit. You are so screwed."

I moaned, and buried my head on my knees. "I know. I mean, I don't even like him anymore! It's all so messed up."

"Oh I see what's the problem," she said. "Obviously, it's not a stupid puppy-love anymore. You're mature now, and so is he. I know what's going on inside that pretty head of yours."

"What?"

She smirked at me, and whispered in my ear, "Lust."

I gasped and backed away. I was blushing deeply this time. I felt like my face was going to explode any time soon. "No way," I told her.

She shrugged. "You're seventeen, Mikan. All teenagers feel that. It's nothing to be ashamed about."

"But it's Natsume!" I hissed.

"So? Even if we aren't exactly buddy-buddies, it's undeniable that the dude is hot. I mean, compared to when we were kids. Puberty did him well. But since I'm dating Ruka, I'll have to be biased, and say that my boyfriend is way hotter."

I stared at her, dumbfounded. I never thought I'd hear her use "hot" and "Natsume" in one sentence. "I think, it was just the spur of the moment, and we were just got carried away. I mean, I felt woozy, and he probably felt tired. I'm sure he forgot all about it already. And starting now, I'm going to forget about it too."

"So you're just going to ignore it?"

"Hotaru," I said, "Natsume and I are never going to happen. I'm sure he made that clear when he said I was just like a sister to him. Which is fine, because that's how I want things to be. No complications."

"Okay," she said, slowly. "It's your call. But promise me you won't hyperventilate, because here he comes."

My eyes widened, as I looked up and saw Natsume heading our way. He wasn't shirtless today, which meant he wasn't on duty. And I somehow felt disappointed by this fact... I quickly snapped out of it. God, Mikan. I honestly felt like hyperventilating at the sight of him. This was so frustrating. I didn't like him for God's sake! He's my brother's best friend, no matter what. And those are always off-limits, like your best friend's ex.

"Hey," he said. "What are you guys doing way over here?"

"Talking," Hotaru replied for me. "Which you interrupted by the way."

"No, it's fine," I said, glaring at her.

Natsume just smiled at me. "So, are you feeling better?"

"Oh yeah," I replied, a little to perkily. "I'm great. It was probably just food poising. I'm fine now."

"Are you sure? Because you look sort of tired..."

"Well, we just got back from work so," Hotaru said.

"Yeah, it was tiring." Man, this conversation was awkward.

"Right." He turned to me. "Okay, then. I just came here to tell you guys that we, the lifeguards, are having this camping trip this weekend. We have it every year, for some reason that is still unknown to us. But personally, I think it's because our boss uses it for therapy, I don't know. Anyway, the point it is, we're allowed to invite one friend and I was wondering maybe you'd like to come?"

I blinked several times. Was he asking me out, again? Or maybe it was to make up for that date last night that I profusely ruined. Before I could react, Hotaru chimed in. "Oh yeah. I have heard of that. Ruka invited me yesterday."

"Why didn't you tell me," I muttered under my breath.

She shrugged. "I think you should come, Mikan. Those camping trips might sound lame, but they're actually awesome."

"Only because you and Ruka shared you own tent last year and you 'went to bed' earlier than everybody," Natsume said, wrinkling his nose. "We all could actually hear you."

I stifled a laugh, as Hotaru was unbothered by this. "Whatever. This year, I'm sharing a tent with Mikan. Right, Mikan?"

"I don't even know if I'm going," I said, then turned to Natsume. "Why don't you take Aoi? I'm sure she'd enjoy it."

"I took her last year," he said, looking a little hurt. "And the year before that."

"Yep," Hotaru said. "While the other guys brought their girlfriends, he was there with his sister."

I ignored the little triumph within in me when he went with Aoi and not Misaki. Instead, I felt a little guilty. "Okay," I said. "I'll go. It sounds like fun." Plus, it reminded me of my camping trips with Tsubasa.

Natsume grinned, and from the corner of my eye, I saw Hotaru smirking. I was so going to kill her for this.

"Great," he said. "See you Saturday." And with that, he sped off, his enthusiasm visibly showing.

Hotaru clucked her tongue. "Man, this is going to be fun weekend."

"You are so dead," I hissed.

She laughed. "Ooohh, I'm so scared. Mikan, you and I both know you can't beat the shit out of me."

She was right, although I wasn't planning on beating her up. "You are going to stick to me like glue the whole time we're there, do you understand me? No 'fun-with-Ruka-after-dark.'"

"Sure," she said. "But if you want to have your fun-after-dark with Natsume, then that's fine with me too."

My cheeks immediately flushed at that. "That is so not going to happen," I said, darkly.

It's official. I was so screwed.

* * *

**Prepare for some MikanxNatsume moments in the next chapter you guyssss! Hahaha consider it as my gift. Lol. But my next update will probably be next week, so I hope you guys are patient with me :) 'til the next update! Ciao!~ x**


	18. Chapter 18

**Hey guys. A this chapter's a little longer that what I usually write, so I hope you enjoy it! x**

* * *

"I am so mad at you right now."

I sighed as I put pieces of my clothing into my duffel bag. Usually, I just wore pajamas when Tsubasa and I went camping, but this camping trip was different. I was sure wearing my Hello Kitty pajamas would scare everyone away. I threw that one on the bed.

I was on the phone with Sumire, Friday night, and she was guilt-tripping me, since due to all the commotion that's been going on in my head, I forgot to call her.

"Look, I'm sorry," I said. "I was just busy with work, and I've been helping my mom out on some things. I mean, it's only been a few days."

"Well a few days to me is like weeks," she retorted. "There is absolutely nothing to do here. I'm about to go insane."

I loved Sumire to death, but sometimes, I just wanted to strangle her. Like it was my fault her parents sent her to the middle-of-nowhere. Maybe if it wasn't for her excessive partying and drugs, she would still be in her beloved city.

Okay, that was a foul. I forgot for a minute that I did the exact same things she did. Except for the drugs part. But it sounded to me that she was blaming me for her misfortune. That, or I was just seriously stressed out about tonight. I didn't want to think about it, so I spent the past week distracting myself. Work, helping my mom organize through her files (she's obsessing over renovating some parts of the house since it looked like a simple storm would throw the house down). At first, I thought that she was doing another thing that wouldn't remind her of the past, but when I examined other parts of the house, she was right. It was like a slight earthquake, and we'd all be buried in our own house.

"I said I'm sorry," I told her. "Look, maybe your parents wanted what was best for you. And instead of being stubborn about it, why don't you try to look at this as a good thing? Like something that would help you... overcome things."

There was a long silence on the other end, then, "Oh my fucking God. What kind of shit are you on right now? God, I can't believe you've finally tried drugs and haven't told me. I'm even more madder at you right now."

"Wha— what the hell are you talking about? I'm not doing drugs, Sumire. Just because you do those things doesn't mean I automatically do them."

I realized a little second too late, that I said that out loud. I didn't know what was wrong with me, and why I've said those things. It almost sounded like a different person.

"Sumire," I started to say, "I'm—"

"Maybe you're right," she snapped. "You've always acted like you were too good for any of us here." And with that, she hung up.

I sighed as I threw my phone on the bed. Why am I so good in ruining friendships? Sumire and I had arguments, but she always got over it. The thing with our friendship, is that it was shallow. Almost like she was my friend for the sake of having one. I felt guilty for not feeling bad about our little fight. Not like when Hotaru and I stopped talking. Or maybe Sumire was right. I didn't belong where she was. And I only realized now, that everything might have changed around me, but I never did.

* * *

"You ready?"

Natsume insisted that he and I drive together to the camping site, since Hotaru declared that she was riding with Ruka. I gave her the evil eye for that. I knew what she was trying to do, and that would never happen.

"Yeah, I guess," I mumbled.

"Well you kids have fun," Mom said from the porch. She was watching us, and was pretty thrilled about the idea of me going out tonight with Natsume. Again.

"Sure will," Natsume replied.

Mom gave me wink, before she waved goodbye to us. This was the most embarrassing thing ever. I hoped Natsume didn't see that.

"You okay?" Natsume asked, when we were in his truck.

"Yeah. I'm not sick this time. I checked."

He chucked. "Okay, just making sure."

For the rest of the ride, we stayed silent. I didn't know why I was so nervous. I mean, it was just a stupid camping trip. I loved camping. With my brother, that is.

"So, I got a scholarship this year," Natsume said, when we were almost out of town.

"That's awesome," I said. "How come you only got it this year?"

"Last year, I didn't quite make the cut. But they finally offered me one this year."

I nodded. He was talking about the swimming scholarship he applied for when he went to college. I guess it was the reason why he never went far from here.

"So have you decided where you're going?" he said, as he pulled over at a stop light.

"Not yet." Now that was one thing I didn't want to think about this summer, and I knew my parents wanted to have that conversation with me already, but I just didn't know. I didn't know what I wanted. Once, I thought about swimming as my career path, since Tsubasa did too, but I guess that wasn't an option now, was it?

"Do you have any idea?"

"Nope," I replied, looking out the window. I didn't want to talk about this with him. But he still didn't get the hint.

"But you're starting college in less than two months."

"I am aware of that," I said. "But I just don't know yet, okay? I can have an undecided major when I enroll in a college."

Thank God he got it. "Alright. I won't talk about it."

We drove in silence once again, and this time it felt awkward. I can almost feel the weight of the words that he wanted to say. But just as we drove past the checkpoint of Malibu, the truck made a horrible noise, then came to a sudden stop. Then, the hood starting smoking.

"Oh my God," I said, as Natsume and I climbed out of the truck.

He opened the hood, and more smoke came out. Great. Just great. I thought this utterly cliche situation only happened in movies. Who would've thought, of all people, I would be stuck with Natsume in a predicament like this.

"Truck's broken," he announced after a while of tinkering with the hood.

"I can see that," I said. "Is it out of gas or something?"

"No, I filled it this morning. Seems like my dad forgot to take this to the shop again."

I took deep breaths. The last time I was stranded was when Tsubasa and I went sailing. I really didn't want to think about that.

"Hey, Mikan," Natsume said, his hands on my shoulders. "Everything's gonna be okay. I know there's a gas station somewhere around here. I'll go call a towing company, okay?"

I nodded, but my breathing was still ragged. But mostly from his touch. Damn it.

"How far is the campsite?" I asked, as Natsume looked for his phone in the truck.

"About an hour away. I think we might not be able to make it."

It was already seven p.m. and the sky was already getting dark, which just made this situation a hundred times worse. Wait, make that a thousand times worse, because I just heard thunder.

"Great," I muttered.

"I think we should look for somewhere to stay in for the night," he said, after hanging up. "The tow company said they couldn't get the truck until tomorrow morning."

I sighed. Can things actually get any worse?

Just then, I heard thunder once again, and felt something drip on my face, and then, it started pouring.

"Well, this is just awesome," I said.

"Come on, let's get our stuff," Natsume said running towards the truck, and I followed suit. We spotted a waiting shed nearby, and we ran towards it.

"Maybe we should take a bus," I said, when were in the safety in the shed.

He shook his head. "The bus isn't en route to the site."

"So where do we stay?"

"I know we passed by a motel somewhere..." He glanced around us, but the rain made it hard to see anything clearly.

Motel? Why did that word send a fleeting jolt in my veins? No way was I staying at some motel with Natsume. No freaking way.

"There it is," he said pointing to a building about a kilometer from here. I did see that a while ago. I guess at times like this, there wasn't any room to think. It was all instinct.

"Ready?" he asked.

"For wha—" Before I knew it, he grabbed a hold of my wrist, and we were running in the rain again.

When we got to the motel (which was tiny by the way, like the ones you see in movies all the time; I just hoped the rooms weren't disgusting, and had two beds), we were soaking wet, that the receptionist gave us the evil eye when we stepped in. Like it was our goddamn fault we got stranded and that it rained.

"Wait here," Natsume told me, as he walked over to the receptionist. She actually perked up when she saw him coming. I rolled my eyes.

I was freezing to death, that I my teeth were slightly chattering. I immediately looked for my phone. Thank God it was in my duffel bag. I called Hotaru first, and she answered after two rings.

"Hey, what's up?" she said. I could hear music in the background. "Where are you guys? It's like raining in here. Everybody's inside their tents waiting for the rain to stop, but God knows what some of them are doing. So, where are you?"

"There seems to be a little problem." I told her about the events from truck being broken until right this moment.

"Shit," she said. "That sucks. I'll go tell the others. Oh and Mikan?"

"What?"

"A motel with Natsume? I want you to tell me every single detail tomorrow."

Despite the cold, my cheeks suddenly warmed up. "It's not like that," I hissed. "Jesus, why does everything have to sound so sexual to—" I then saw Natsume walking towards me. "I gotta go. Call you later."

"I don't think so!" She let out a laugh, before I hung up. Geez, as if I wasn't already feeling flustered enough.

"Was that Hotaru?"

"Yep. She said it was raining on the camp site too. They're all waiting for it to die down. And that she'd tell the others why we can't make it."

He nodded, and cleared his throat. Uh-oh. Every time he did that, there was always bad news. "I got us a room. But, um, there's only one bed in it. It was the only room left available."

"Oh." As if my cheeks weren't warm enough a while ago, now I was burning up. I was sure Natsume could see how red my face was.

"It's cool, I'll sleep on the floor," he said.

"Are you sure?" Even though it would be better for both of us—for me, especially—if we didn't sleep on the same bed.

"Absolutely. I brought my sleeping bag." He held it up, and I realized I left mine in the truck. "But hey, you're freezing. Come on."

The room was (thank God) better than I expected. It was clean, neat and the bed was queen-sized, so two people could definitely sleep on it. Which made things more awkward.

"Do you mind if I take a shower first?" I asked.

"No problem."

"Thanks." I clutched my duffel bag tightly against my chest and practically ran to the bathroom. Thank God that was clean too. At least this night wasn't turning out to be a total disaster.

I checked my reflection in the mirror, and I realized I looked horrible. My mascara was all smeared and my was hair sticking to different parts of my face. I took deep breaths. I was already nervous enough about the stupid camping trip, and now I was stuck in a motel room with Natsume? I tried to put my shit together and got in the shower. Thankfully, it was warm. But not enough to calm my nerves.

When I was about to change, I was mortified to find my Hello Kitty pajamas in my bag. I must have accidentally put it in while I was arguing with Sumire. I realized I had two options: it was either I wear the ridiculous pajamas or sleep naked under the blankets. I'm sure you could guess which one I picked.

Just as I expected, Natsume laughed when he saw me. I didn't blame him, I would've laughed at myself despite the situation.

"It's not funny," I said, glaring at him.

"I'm sorry," he said, in between laughs. "I can't take you seriously with you wearing that."

I sighed. "I grabbed it by accident."

"Man, it still fits you? The last time I saw you wearing that was, what, three years ago?"

I suddenly recalled that night when I slept over at his house. He didn't comment on my pajamas, but I remembered him commenting on something about me being on my period...

"Apparently it still does," I said, sitting on the edge of the bed. He was seated on the other side.

"My turn." He stood up and went to the bathroom.

I immediately looked for my phone and thought about texting my mom. But then, I thought maybe she'd freak if she found out I was staying in a motel with Natsume for the night. I texted Hotaru instead.

_Me: Can u believe my luck? I accidentally packed my Hello Kitty pajamas. Natsume laughed in my face. Hey, can u cover for me? When my mom calls or sumthing? I don't think she'd be thrilled with the idea of me being here._

_Hotaru: Those ridiculous ones you wore at sleepovers? Wow, I guess that turned him off. Or the other way around... Yep no prob. It stopped raining by the way, and there's this party right now. I know right, what happened to sitting around a campfire, eating smores and telling ghost stories. But I guess we'd get to that later. Have fun xx_

_Me: Like I wasn't able 2 finish saying a while ago, why does everything have 2 sound so sexual to u? Jesus. A party? Sounds exciting. No sarcasm intended. And Christ, do you know that there's only 1 frickin' bed here? I'm freaking out._

_Hotaru: Not everything sounds sexual 2 me. I'm just not an idiot. I know these things. Well there you go. One bed. I repeat, HAVE. FUN. (Yes, this is a threat)._

_Me: I am so going to get u for this._

_Hotaru: Yeah, yeah. See u tom. I want every detail. _

I sighed, as I placed my phone on the dresser beside the bed. So far, I was not enjoying this night. Just then, Natsume came out of the bathroom. He was wearing a grey t-shirt and shorts. And his hair was damp, which made him a thousand times more attractive. Goddamnit. Stupid hormones.

He held up something white in his hands, and it took me three seconds to realize what it was.

"I found this on the toiled bowl?" he said, trying not to laugh.

I wanted to die right there. That was my underwear he was holding. The one with the polka-dots. I immediately sprang up from the bed, and took it from his hand. Great. Everything is so perfect that I can die now.

"Sorry, that's mine," I said, quickly. My face was heating up once again.

He snickered. "Obviously."

I wanted to kick myself. Why am I such an idiot? "Ha-ha very funny," I muttered. But my tone was more of embarrassed than witty.

"Hmm, polka-dots. Just like when we were kids. Some things never change.

I smacked him on the shoulder, but I was still blushing profusely.

"Ow!" He rubbed his shoulder. "That actually hurt."

"Good," I said, as I hid my underwear in my duffel bag. It was like the tampon scenario all over again.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I'm not the one leaving my panties on toilet bowls.

I shot him a death glare. It was nothing like Hotaru's, but I hoped it worked.

Thankfully, it did. Natsume raised his hands up in defense. "Okay, okay. I'll stop."

"Fine. I'm going to bed." I went over to the bed and buried myself under the comforter. Mostly it was to hide my blushing face from Natsume.

"But it's still early." I felt his weight when he sat on the bed, opposite me. "Let's watch a movie or something."

To be honest, I wasn't that exhausted yet. I just wanted this night to end already. "Fine," I said, sitting up. "But I will go right to sleep if you make fun of my articles of clothing."

I saw him bite his lower lip, trying to stifle a laugh. "Okay. I won't make fun of your clothing."

We ended up watching The Breakfast Club, since it was the only good movie available in the room. By the time it was finished, I was really tired.

"Right," Natsume said, getting out of the bed. "I guess I'll sleep now."

"Where are you going?"

"On the floor. Where I said I'll sleep, remember?"

I examined the carpeted floor, which didn't look so bad, except I suddenly realized I didn't want him sleeping there. Before, I might have thought it was great idea, but now it wasn't so much. I didn't know why, but I was too tired to comprehend.

"I think you should sleep on the bed," I told him. "There's enough space for the both of us."

His eyes widened slightly. "Are you sure? Because I—"

"Yes, I'm sure." I scooted over to make room for him. It was weird, it felt like it wasn't me talking. Or maybe it was because I was so exhausted already.

Natsume examined me more closely before climbing in. We were only a few inches from each other, and I practically felt the heat radiating from his body. We were both facing the ceiling, and I felt myself drifting off to sleep.

"Mikan?"

"Hmm?"

"Thanks."

"For what?" I mumbled, my eyes already closed.

"For just being with me tonight. Even if it was a total bust."

I shook my head against my pillow. "Not a total bust. The movie was good."

He chuckled softly. "Yeah but we've watched that like a billion times already."

"Mmm. I guess."

I thought I heard him say something else, but I wasn't able to catch what it was. I was already falling asleep.

* * *

**I am so sorry for the slight cliff-hanger. Hehe. Next update shall be next week! Hope you guys can wait by then. Ciao!~ xx**


	19. Chapter 19

**Hey guys! I am so sorry for the delay. My schedule just suddenly became hectic over the past week and I was so exhausted.**

**And I just woke up this morning to tragic news. Cory Montieth died already and him and Lea were supposed to get married in two weeks. God, it's so depressing. I don't think I can watch another episode of Glee without crying.**

**Sorry for the blabbering it's just heartbreaking. :( **

**Anyway, here it is :) enjoy! x**

* * *

I woke up the next morning, thinking that I was in my own room. So, just as I decided to go back to sleep, I found myself in Natsume's arms. I realized I was snuggled up to him, with my head practically on his chest, and my leg thrown over his. One of his arms were around my waist, hugging me like a pillow. I was so shocked that I almost screamed. How on earth did we end up in this position? From what I remember last night, we weren't even touching. I could feel his breathing, slow and even, unlike me, whose heart rate I think would wake him up. I could feel it practically pounding right out of my chest.

I pulled my head up slowly, and saw Natsume still sleeping. I almost gasped. He looked so... beautiful. I always thought he was. Oh my God. I can't feel this way about him again. I just can't.

I slowly moved his arm from my waist, and lifted my leg off him (God, now I knew what Tsubasa meant about me being an unruly sleeper). But then he moved, and I felt his hold tighten on me. I heard him mutter something about five more minutes. He must think he was still at home too. And as much as I didn't want to wake him up, I had to.

"Natsume." I nudged him softly. "Wake up. We have to get the truck."

No reply. Okay, new tactic: Push him out of the bed. But that won't work since he was embracing me so I would fall too. As I was thinking of ways to wake him up, he suddenly turned and then I was face-to-face with him.

Our face were just inches away from each other, and I felt my heart race faster and faster.

"Hi," he said in a husky voice.

Before I could reply, he immediately let go of me, so now we were only facing each other. "Sorry," he said. "I didn't um... I wasn't aware that... I'm just..."

"I get it," I replied. "I'm an unruly sleeper too."

He smiled and nodded. "You hungry?"

Now that he mentioned it, we did forget to eat dinner last night. "Actually, I am."

"Good. So am I." He got out of the bed and flexed. I couldn't help but notice his abs when his shirt went up a little. I mean, I've seen those abs billions of times, but good God. Also, his hair was all messy which made him look even more attractive. I looked away, blushing deeply.

"Mind if I use the shower first? I have to call the towing company after."

"Sure."

When he was gone, I immediately checked my phone for messages. Surprisingly, there was none from my mom or Hotaru, but there was one voicemail. I clicked on it.

_"Hey, it's me. Look, sorry about yesterday. I just wasn't myself. Look, I have to tell you something. Call me back as soon as you get this. Or whatever. Bye."_

I was shocked. This serious side of Sumire wasn't the one I was used to. I knew she'd get over the fight quickly, but then it sounded like there was something else. What on earth was she going to tell me? Could it be that I wasn't the only one keeping secrets from her?

After I took my shower, and changed clothes, Natsume and I checked out, and looked for a place to eat.

"The company said they'd be here at around eleven a.m.," he said, checking his watch. "Which gives us three hours to look for somewhere to eat and to actually eat."

We were walking along the sidewalks for the last ten minutes, and so far all we found was an abandoned tire shop. While walking, I couldn't help but notice that our hands or shoulders would accidentally touch, and that it would send an electric shock within me. I wanted to kick myself, really. One night together where nothing even happened, and now I was turning into this girl I was long ago who had a stupid little crush on her brother's best friend. Or was she there all along, and I've been trying so hard to keep her underneath?

"Look, a diner," Natsume said, breaking my thoughts. He was pointing over to a diner not too far from where we were. About five blocks.

"Thank God. I'm starving."

Four hours later, after the truck was towed, we finally arrived back home. For some reason, I felt so drained even if, okay, I had a good's night sleep last night.

"Hey, Mikan," Natsume said as I walked back to my house. "Sorry for ruining the camping trip. I promise I'll make it up to you."

I smiled. "No worries. I had fun." And as I closed the door behind me, I realized that my last statement was true.

* * *

It was a work day again, and I haven't seen Natsume since our little adventure. I stayed at home for the rest of the weekend. Of course, Hotaru would pick this time—when there were a lot of customers—to ask about that night.

"So he didn't like, make a move on you?"

I blushed slightly, remembering our very awkward position that morning. Although to be honest, it felt comfortable. Safe, even. "No," I replied.

"Are you sure?" she prodded. "I mean, like, a guy and a girl who have been lusting for each other, alone in a motel room. And nothing happened?"

"We are not lusting for each other," I whispered, fiercely. There were old people here for God's sake.

Then, as if the whole universe hated me, Natsume entered the shop, and my breath caught in my throat. It was too late denying my feelings for him. I knew that I was doomed.

"Not lusting for each other, my ass," Hotaru muttered, examining my expression.

But my heart immediately sank when I saw that he wasn't alone. Misaki walked up behind him, laughing about something he said. The worst part is, it wasn't the laugh that you knew screamed of flirting. It was as if she really thought he was funny. I saw her reply something, and Natsume laughed as well. I looked away, wanting to kick myself. There was nothing to be jealous about. He wasn't mine, he wasn't anyone's. But my heart still had that sinking feeling.

"Jealous much?" Hotaru said in my ear.

I just glared at her. "No. I'm just surprised to see them here, that's all."

She snorted. "Right. Well they always hang-out here. I'm guessing it's their thing."

At that moment, Natsume looked up from their table and waved at me. Misaki did the same. I waved back. Eventually, he had to order, and I honestly didn't want him to come up to me.

"Can you handle this please," I told Hotaru.

"Mikan, it's your job to take the orders."

I looked at her pleadingly, and she just rolled her eyes in reply. "Fine. Move."

After Hotaru took his order, and handed them to him, I breathed out the air I didn't know I was holding the whole time. I felt him staring at me a while ago, and I tried my best to not make eye contact with him. And it worked, because he didn't talk to me.

"What is the matter with you?" Hotaru said.

I sighed, glancing at Natsume and Misaki, who were cracking up about something. "I can't do it."

"Can't do what?"

"I can't have feelings for him. It's too messed up."

"But you already have feelings for him," she pointed out. "Or you never lost them."

I shook my head. "God, just forget I said anything. Are you doing anything tonight?"

"No," she said, slowly. "Why?"

"I know I put that behind me, but I just need it tonight."

She frowned. "Need what?"

"To party," I said. "You up for it?"

Her expression actually relaxed. "Mikan Sakura, what do you think have I been doing for the past two years? Lived like a nun?"

* * *

I told my mom I would stay over at Hotaru's that night. And to be honest, I actually felt bad about it. Now that we were getting along, I felt guilty lying to her. But I just wanted to block my head of any thinking. I didn't want to analyze anything. I needed to be numb.

It was a good thing I packed some of my clothes I wore at parties. I put my favorite little black dress, my silver heels, and make-up kit inside my duffel bag, and headed to Hotaru's.

"Running away?"

I jumped at the sound of his voice. I turned to Natsume's house and saw him sitting on the porch.

"Sleepover," I replied, a little breathless.

"Then why are you so jumpy?"

"You scared the crap out of me, okay? Jesus, I thought you were some freakish stalker. What are you doing out here anyway?"

He shrugged, then walked towards me. "I just want to think."

"Exactly what I don't want to do," I muttered.

He studied my expression and frowned. "You're not going to do anything stupid tonight, are you?"

Crap. Was I really that obvious? "Define stupid," I said, walking past him.

"Mikan!"

I turned around and rolled my eyes at him. "Relax, I'm kidding. I'm staying over at Hotaru's tonight, okay? The most stupid thing we could possibly do is leave the faucet running in the bathroom or something."

He was still staring at me. I was sure he could tell I was lying. He'd always known before. But I knew I was better at it now. Years of practice. "Okay," he finally said. "It's not like it's my business or anything."

I nodded, feeling a little hurt at this for some reason. "Right. It isn't. So I guess I better go."

"Wait," he said. "Can we talk? Tomorrow?"

"About what?" I asked, cautiously.

"Not telling you until then," he answered, smirking. "Have a good night."

"You too," I mumbled. Great another thing to add to my things-to-worry-about list. But no, that list would not exist for tonight.

* * *

"Oh shit. We have a problem."

I glanced at Hotaru, and giggled. We've been at the bar for about a few hours and I lost count of how many tequilas I had ages ago. She looked at me, then we laughed together. Obviously, she's lost count too. And we were having a blast. We danced like six times tonight. I almost forgot how it felt good to just let loose and not care about anything.

"What's the problem?" I said, in between laughs.

"We don't have a DD."

We looked at each other in realization and started laughing again. "Oh shit, you are so right. How are we going to get home?"

"Maybe we could find someone kind enough here to take us home."

I giggled at how that sounded. "Hotaru! You have a boyfriend."

"I know, dummy. Not my fault you took it the wrong way."

We started laughing again, and ordered two more shots of tequila. Then we went to the dance floor and danced like there was no tomorrow. It felt exhilarating. And to be honest, the experience was much better with Hotaru around. I regretted why I didn't drink too much before. The alcohol made everything in me numb. And that was exactly what I needed.

"I think we should go home," Hotaru said, when we finally took a break from all that dancing.

"But we don't have a DD, remember?"

She looked a little sober now. "Don't hate me for this." Before I could reply, she took out her phone and started dialing. I panicked a little because I thought she was going to call my parents. Or worse: Natsume.

"Babe?" she said over the phone. "Yeah, I know it's three in the morning, I am so sorry. But you can yell at me tomorrow, okay? Can you come pick us up? Mikan and I are both too drunk to drive."

"Oh my God, I am so sorry," I told her. "If I knew that—"

"Don't even say it. I had fun tonight, and I came here to accompany you. I'm just doing what a friend would do."

I smiled at her. "Thank you. Really." I just hoped I'd remember this in the morning, so if we ever get in a fight again, we would look back at this moment.

A few moments later, Ruka arrived, and I heard him hushing angrily at Hotaru. I thought she would say something back, but she just nodded as if she was being scolded by her mom. Ruka just looked at me with a disapproving expression on his face. And for a moment, I pictured it as my brother's.

* * *

The next morning, I woke with a piercing headache and found that I was still wearing my clothes from last night. Hotaru was beside me, her hair covering half her face. I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost two in the afternoon. It was a good thing Hotaru's mom was out of town. I got out of the bed and used the shower first. My head was still pounding fiercely as I recalled the events from last night. I remembered dancing a lot, and then Ruka's face popped into my mind. I almost forgot that he was the one who drove us home. And the way he looked at me, like he couldn't believe I've done such a thing again.

After I got out of the bathroom, Hotaru was already sitting up on her bed and staring out the window. I recalled her and Ruka getting into a fight, and that it was my fault. God, I had to fix this.

"Hey," I said, sitting beside her. "You okay?"

"Beside from the massive headache, and the fact that I slept in these clothes, I'm great."

I smiled slightly. "I am so sorry, Hotaru. Are you and Ruka okay?"

She glanced at me. "Don't be sorry. Ruka would get over it. I'm the one who should be sorry."

"What for?" I asked, shocked.

"I know he's going to tell Natsume. Those two never not share anything to each other. They beat us girls at it. And I knew why you wanted to go out last night. It was to avoid him, right? Like avoid him in your head?"

I sighed. "I guess you could put it that way."

"Did it work?"

"No," I grumbled. "Well it did for a while. But now all I can think about is him. Like what he's going to say to me after he finds out I got drunk again. It was already bad enough to see Ruka look at me disapprovingly, I'm not sure if I could take him looking at me like that. I just imagined my brother looking at me that way. And I don't want him to be disappointed in me."

Hotaru put an arm around my shoulders. "Hey, we all do stupid things, right? No one can judge you for that."

"Thanks," I said, sighing. "Well then I guess I better head home. Thank you. For last night. I had a lot of fun."

She smiled. "Best friends equals drinking buddies."

It felt good hearing her say those words again. I hugged her. "I'll let you know when we have our next."

"It better not be tonight again! God knows what that Hyuuga boy has to say."

"I'm sure it won't be that bad," I replied. But I highly doubted that.

* * *

**Sorry I had to cut it there. But I promise the next chapter would be posted sooner! I'm still writing it :) Anywho, hoped you liked this one. 'Til the next update! Ciao!~ x**


	20. Chapter 20

**Oh my God you guys I can't even begin to say how sorry I am for updating this late. I've been receiving a lot of PM's lately asking whether I'm okay or if something happened to me. Well lovelies, I am perfectly all right :) just super busy. **

**Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this one! x**

* * *

"How was the sleepover?"

I froze halfway up my porch steps. Really? Did he always have catch me off guard?

"It was fine," I said, fumbling for the keys. I was already a little flustered because Hotaru and I realized a little too late that we were late for work. Like, beyond late. She told me she'd call and say there was an emergency. I hoped they would buy whatever excuse she could come up with.

I heard Natsume walk up the steps, and I didn't turn around and look at him. From the tone of his voice, it was obvious he knew already. "Ruka told me what happened," he said.

Great. I was not in the mood for him to lecture me. I sighed, and finally turned around to face him. "It's not a big deal, Natsume. We just went out to have some fun."

"It is to me," he said, in a low voice. "You said you weren't going to do anything stupid. You lied."

I suddenly felt furious. Why right did he have getting mad at me? "What does it matter? Yeah, okay so I lied about going out last night. But I don't think I have to tell you every single thing I do. Look, I know you're protective because of Aoi and practically raised her, but I am not your responsibility."

"Did you not learn nothing from last time? Some bastard almost... It was a good thing Ruka was there."

"Ruka was there because Hotaru called. We were too drunk to drive. And nothing happened, okay? So I don't see why you're still fired up about this."

"Mikan," he said. "You're my friend. Of course I care. And what if something bad happened to you? What am I supposed to say to your parents? That I—"

"Oh my God." I was almost shouting now. "I am not your little sister! It's not your job to deal with my parents, it's not your job to worry about me, and it's definitely not your job to save my ass every freaking time!" I dropped my duffel bag angrily on the floor, and stormed away from him. I felt tears pricking my eyes. No. I was not going to cry. Not in front of him. I didn't know why I was so angry. Probably because he thought that he could be a brother figure to me because he pitied me. Since I was the poor little girl who lost her big brother. I can't believe I ever thought about... being with him. It made me sick.

I just ran and ran, not caring where I was supposed to be headed. But no matter how many times I do this, he always ends up running after me.

Natsume touched my shoulder gently, and I backed away from him. "Please, just leave me alone."

He sighed. "Mikan, I'm so sorry. I didn't know that what I said offended you. I just can't help but feel responsible for you since..."

"Tsubasa died?" I finished. Finally, I turned around to face him. "Look, I've seen it before. Right after he died, everyone around me looked at me like I was some kind of orphan. I just don't wanna be that girl, okay? I don't want to be the helpless little girl who lost her brother. And just so we're clear, you are not in any place to feel responsible for me just because you pity me."

He blinked a few times. "You think this is out of pity? Mikan, I care about you. Don't you get that? You are always going to be important to me no matter what."

The sincerity in his voice suddenly erased all the fury inside of me. Maybe I overreacted a little. Or maybe it was something else. He always looked at me like I was his little sister. Just like Aoi. But I knew I wanted something different. Not as as a friend, but something more. The only person I was lying to all this time was myself.

"I'm sorry," I said. "Forget I said anything. I, um, need to go back." I had to get myself out of there before I do anything stupid. Like kiss him. Because the way he was looking at me now, sent electrifying jolts into my body. I tried to walk past him, but of course, he blocked my way.

"Mikan, did I say something wrong?"

I shook my head. "It's me, I'm sorry. Can you just let me through?"

He stared at me for one more moment, and I avoided his gaze. "Okay," he finally said, stepping aside.

I immediately ran back to my house feeling relieved that I got away from him, but at the same time, I wanted to go back.

* * *

Hotaru groaned and threw her phone on the bed. She sighed, as she sat down next to me. "He is hopeless. God."

I winced as I put the t.v. on mute. I was at Hotaru's house, this time having a real sleepover, since her mom wasn't home yet. While my mom knew nothing about the other night, I still couldn't look Natsume in the face. He was my neighbor so it was now a difficult task avoiding him, although I have done it before. "This is all my fault," I said.

"If you say that one more time I am going to hit you with the t.v. remote, I swear."

"Sorry. But it was my idea that we go out last night. What did he say anyway?"

She shrugged, as if she was used to this sort of thing every day. "Nothing much. He just said he couldn't believe how irresponsible I was and what if we drove drunk, yada, yada. He sounds like my mom actually, but that's just how we are. I do something stupid, he gets upset, I give him space, he misses me, he comes over and we make out."

"What if you're upset with him?"

"That rarely happens, but it's the same process. Although, this time, he's being stubborn."

"Do you want me to talk to him?"

"No need," she said. "He'll come around."

For the next hour, Hotaru and I decided to watch Pretty in Pink (for old time's sake since we both loved this movie). Just when Molly Ringwald and Andrew McCarthy were about to passionately make out in the parking lot, we heard a knock on the door.

Hotaru groaned. "Not now, this is my favorite part."

"I'll put in pause, if you want."

"Nah, it's about to end anyway. I'll go get the door."

Even if I've watched this movie a thousand times already, it just never gets old. I'd never really admit this out loud, but romance movies were my weakness.

"Pretty in Pink again?"

A scream came right out of my mouth, and I fell off the bed. The next moment, a pair of arms were around me, helping me up. Wait a minute, this scene was too familiar...

"Natsume?" I said, turning to face him. What the hell was he doing here? "Why on earth are you here?"

"Ruka wanted to come over, so I came along. They're downstairs right now, probably um... making up, and Hotaru told me you were up here. Didn't want to stick around for the scene down there."

"Well, you could have done that by not scaring me to death. For like, the eight billionth time."

He gave me an apologetic look. "Sorry. I'm not so good in greeting with two letter words."

"I can see that," I said, sitting down on Hotaru's bed.

"So, Pretty in Pink, huh? Isn't that your favorite movie of all time?"

I looked at him, shocked. How could he remember that?

"I always see you in your living room before watching that whenever I came over," he explained.

"Right," I said. "I guess it is."

Natsume sat right beside me, and I immediately felt the heat radiating from his body. We didn't say anything for a few moments, and it was either I do something about it, or imagine... things.

"Do you wanna go outside?" I said, standing up.

"Um, right through the back door? Downstairs?"

"No, I meant outside the window." I pointed to Hotaru's window. "There's a rooftop over there, and Hotaru and I used to go out there all the time."

"Would she mind?"

I rolled my eyes. "Well, do you want to ask her right now?"

He stood up. "Nope, I'm game."

It was a bit ironic that I was the one who had to help him out, but I knew this routine better than he did.

"Man," I said, when we were sitting down. "I haven't been here in forever."

Natsume looked at me. "You haven't been here since you two..."

I shook my head. "I don't know. We're fine now. Not like before, but it feels like we both just grewnup. So kudos to you, you're the first person I brought here other than Hotaru, even if this place isn't mine."

"I feel so honored."

We sat there for a few more minutes, looking out the ocean. The moon was full tonight, which made the view breathtaking.

"Mikan?" Natsume said.

"Yeah?"

"What I said yesterday, about you being important to me, it's true."

I swallowed, not wanting to look at him. "I know."

"So no matter what happens, we're always going to be friends right?"

This time I looked at him, but wasn't able to read the expression on his face. I hadn't seen that look on him before. He looked serious, at the same time nervous. "Right," I said, slowly. "What is this about?"

He shook his head. "Nothing. I just... forget it."

Maybe it was the way how he was at a loss for words. Or how he was looking at me in a weird way. But whatever it was, whatever possessed me to do what I did next, I had no idea. All I knew is, I've been dying to do it for a long time.

So I kissed him.

He froze at first, clearly shocked. I didn't blame him, I was just as surprised too. But for a long time I have been letting go of chances that I should have taken, and have been living in those, Shoulda, Coulda moments. This was a breakthrough for me.

Natsume's lips were gentle and warm, when he started kissing me back. But then they became more urgent as if he was afraid that this first kiss, would be our last. He pulled me closer to him, his hands sliding against my waist. At that moment, I wanted to be possibly closer to him, so I wrapped my legs around his waist, and found my hands slowly going down...

And that's when he pulled away.

"Mikan," he breathed. "I can't do this."

As if I wasn't already embarrassed enough. That was my first ever kiss and I totally became one of those girls with uncontrollable hormones.

"It's not that I don't like it," he added. "In fact, I liked it. Very much."

My cheeks flushed. "Sorry. I didn't mean to, um..."

"You didn't do anything wrong," he assured me, smiling softly. "I just need to sort things out."

"Sort what out?"

"I like you, Mikan. More than I think I should. I like you too much and I think that's the problem. I can't stay away from you or stop thinking about you."

"Then don't," I said, softly. I had no idea where all these guts are coming from, but I didn't regret saying them out loud.

He chuckled and rested his hand on my cheek. It felt warm, that I didn't want him to pull back. "Believe me, I do. But it's not that easy."

I frowned. I have thought of that billions of times, but I didn't care anymore. Even if my brother was still here, that wouldn't have stopped me (okay maybe a little). But now I didn't feel like hiding anymore of what I feel. Too much has already been bottled inside. "Explain," I said.

"Well, for starters, what would your parents say?"

I rolled my eyes. "They'd be thrilled, I promise."

He sighed. "I really want to be with you, Mikan. Since that day when I hit you with that Frisbee."

My entire body went into shock (for half-a-second). "What?"

"I'm guessing you don't remember that since you were like, eight? I knew something was wrong with me when I realized you were always crossing my mind and that I wanted to spend time with you. That doesn't sound perverted for an eleven-year old, does it?"

I shook my head slowly, still in shock. So Nastume liked me all this time? And the same day when I realized I liked him. I felt like I was in a movie. These things didn't happen in real life.

"Of course I remember that day," I said. "That was also the day when I realized that I—"

"Liked me?" he finished. "Yeah it was pretty obvious."

Which leads us to shocker number two. God, was I really that transparent? "I know how girls act, Mikan. You acted funnier around me the next day, like you were trying to get my attention all the time, and that's when I knew I had to stay away. But not because it creeped me out. I actually found it adorable. But then Tsubasa was my best friend, and it is the number one rule in guy code that you strictly do not date your best friend's little sisters. You are not even allowed to like them, and once you do, that is already considered as a sin. But you can't avoid it, so you just hide it."

I was unable to form a response after all that he said. So he continued.

"And since I just couldn't stay away from you, I had to act all obnoxious so your brother wouldn't be suspicious. I knew you still liked me that time, but was getting way pissed off at my attitude. I just couldn't bear losing either you or Tsubasa."

"You already lost one of them," I said.

He pulled my face towards his. "And I don't want to lose you."

"You won't," I whispered. "I'm not going anywhere."

"It's a lot more complicated than that. I don't want to end up hurting you, Miikan. I care about you too much for that. But since we're here, can I kiss you one more time?"

"You don't have to ask," I told him, as I pressed my lips against his, once again. This time, his lips were more urgent than before. It was as if he was saying goodbye.

And that thought alone terrified me.

* * *

**You have to forgive me for my poor kissing scene. Listen, you guys are the only ones I'm telling this to (okay maybe to whole world for all I care but it doesn't really matter), but I have never been kissed! So the only basis I had for kissing was from the novels I read. And trust me, I have high expectations in my first kiss since fictional characters have theirs so perfectly. Okay, maybe I shouldn't be comparing myself to fictional characters but a girl can dream right?**

**What is Natsume and Mikan's status? Let me answer that. "It's complicated."**

**I don't know why I am so talkative today. It's probs because I haven't updated in a while and I totally missed you guys. Hashtag: AWWW. And I totally don't blame you if you didn't read this part, but if you are, then thank you for bearing with me.**

**Anyway, hope you guys liked this chapter bec I know ya'll been waiting for these 2 lovebirds to finally get it going (Lol what). And I hope you could wait patiently for about a week or so for the next update :) I try my very best to update on time for u guys. Love you! Ciao!~ x**


	21. Chapter 21

**Hey guys! So I know I kept all of you waiting, and I am truly sorry for that. My computer broke, and I lost all my files, but now it's fixed, and I had to write this chapter again! I hope you guys forgive me for updating this late. I'm really sowwwyy! :)**

**Anyway, here is the newest chapter, and hope you guys enjoy! **

* * *

I finally had the guts to call Sumire today.

I know I was a terrible friend because I didn't call her back right away, but I was only terrified of her last message. She sounded like she was going to drop a bomb right on me, and trust me, I was no good in avoiding bombs.

But after four attempts, there was no answer. I made sure to calculate what time it was there. I tried one more time. Still no answer. Great. The time when I actually call her and she doesn't answer. I wondered if she was that upset with me that she decided to just end our friendship. Or maybe I was just a terrible friend. I'd go with the latter.

"Mikan?"

I sat up from my bed and saw my mom poking her head through my door. "Yeah?"

"I think we need to talk about something."

This made my heart pound a little bit faster. "What about?"

She finally let herself in, and sat at the edge of my bed. "I think you know what this is about."

I had no idea. My mind immediately went to Natsume. Oh my God. What if she saw us making out on Hotaru's roof last week? I mean, my house wasn't that far from Hotaru's and maybe my mom went for a walk. And anyway, after that kiss Natsume didn't show any interest. It was like nothing had happened. And how did I respond to that? The same way he did. Except I was a really bad actor. I still didn't understand why he thought being with me was wrong, and while I didn't think that it was a great idea before, now that after I finally kissed him, it was all that I could think about. I snapped out of my thoughts before I started having inappropriate ones in front of my own mother.

"Trust me, I know nothing," I told her.

She hesitated. "Okay, I wasn't going to bring this up until the end of August, but it's the middle of the month and you still have nowhere to go in the fall."

"Oh." I was partially relieved. But not entirely. If two years ago, this wouldn't have bothered me, now, I was a bit worried. Hotaru was going to Stanford. Natsume and Ruka were at UCLA. I realized I wanted to be somewhere too. But I had no idea what to major in. Once upon a time I dreamt of a swimming scholarship. But that doesn't seem like a wonderful idea anymore, does it?

"I don't want to pressure you," my mom said. "But if you're not going to college this fall, then I think you're going to have to find a permanent job."

"No," I said, quickly. "I wanna go. To college, I mean. I just don't know what course I'll take."

My mom actually smiled gratefully, as if my admitting I wanted to go to college was already a fifty percent progress. "Well I'm sure we'd find you something. Didn't you once mention about swimming? Because there are a lot of universities here that offer scholarships and there's also—"

"Mom," I interrupted. "I don't think I'll go for swimming."

Her face fell. "Oh well, I'm sure there are a lot of other options for you."

I hated to see the disappointing look on her face. "But I promise to look at universities here. And do some research. Just no swimming programs."

She nodded, then smiled. "Of course, honey. I understand. Maybe you could go tomorrow to do a college tour? I know, maybe Natsume could come with you."

Great. Just as much as I'd like to spend time with him, I think I was dealing better with his rejection by not actually seeing him. "Mom, I think Natsume's busy. You know, lifeguard duties, taking care of Aoi. I could take Hotaru with me."

"I'm sure he'd want to do it," she said. "Besides, he's in college now. So there's plenty that he could teach you. And you could take Hotaru if you want. Does she know where she's going?"

"Stanford. She got early admission."

"Oh, that's great. Maybe you could visit that school too."

I sighed. I think my parents have this secret bond with Natsume that I didn't know about. "All right. But you get to ask him."

Mom looked at me skeptically. "Are you two in a fight or something? Why don't you want to talk to him?"

"Because it's your idea," I said. "I don't want him to think I'm bugging him."

She rolled her eyes. "You two are practically like siblings. Why would you feel embarrassed?" She patted my knee and left the room.

Oh Mom. You have no idea.

* * *

"You know, I'm quite afraid to take another road trip with you."

Natsume rolled his eyes at me as he climbed onto the driver's seat. "Relax. We're using your truck this time, see? And mine's fixed already. And besides we're just going around the city. So it'll be easier to get a ride if this breaks down."

"It won't break down," I said, firmly.

"All right. Someone's a bit grouchy today."

"Sorry," I muttered. "Bad morning." The truth was, even if I did care about my future, I really didn't want to go college touring. At least not today. Not with Natsume who was looking more attractive than usual today even in a simple white t-shirt. My mind still kept going back to that night at Hotaru's roof. How his hands touched me, how soft his lips were, and how they tasted...

Damn it, Mikan, I cursed mentally.

"How bad?" he asked.

I shrugged. "It's nothing. You sure you wanna do this?"

"Mikan, it's just around the city. And like I said, I took a day off. So yes I want to do this."

I smiled half-heartedly in reply. It sort of annoyed me a little that he still didn't want to talk about that night. I mean, he already told me he liked me, so I didn't get what was so complicated about that. Was it because he still saw me as a sister? Well, judging from the way he kissed me and what he told me about liking me since we were kids, then I guess the "sisterly love" was just an act. But why didn't he want to be with me?

Okay, now I sound like a frustrated twelve-year old whose crush won't notice her. Fine. If he didn't want to bring it up, I was going to have to do something about it. If he's changed his mind about me, then all I needed was some closure.

"I really don't feel like doing this today," I said.

Natsume glanced at me. "What? Why what's the matter?"

"I just don't know what I'm looking for." Which was true. If I wasn't getting a swimming scholarship, then I didn't know what else is for me.

"Hold on." He pulled over to a nearby gas station and cut off the engine. "I thought you were decided."

I shook my head. "I was decided on going to college. But my mom obviously thought that I had my whole future planned out already, which I don't. All I know is, I don't want to end up working in an ice cream shop for the rest of my life."

"Well, isn't that why we're doing this? To help you decide?"

"I don't really know. I'm just not ready."

He nodded. "Okay, I hear you. Pre-college jitters. I've had them too. Don't worry, you'll figure it out."

I smiled half-heartedly. "I hope so."

"So," he said. "What should we do now?"

This was where my plan came in. God, why as I acting like some desperate, clingy teenager who wanted to get a guy alone? Well, technically we were alone, but I needed answers. I knew that he was hiding something from me, and I needed to know what.

I shrugged, nonchalantly. "I don't feel like going home yet."

"Me neither." He looked at me, and smiled. "Looks like we have the day to ourselves."

I couldn't help but notice the sparkle in his eyes and the excitement in his voice as he said this.

* * *

"So you've never done this before?"

Natsume glared at me for a second, and then sighed. "Well no. What, does this make me uncool now?"

"A bit," I replied, as I threw another rock across the lake. It skipped two times, and then finally sank. "Actually, it does make you uncool. This is like third grade physics. Camping one-oh-one. A ten-year old could do it."

"Is this one of those things that when you don't get to do, your life is considered incomplete?"

"It's basic. If you hadn't done it, then something's wrong with you."

He chuckled, as he took another rock and threw it to the lake. It sank right away. "Yep, I'm a disgrace to society."

I punched him playfully on the arm, and sat down by the lake, hugging m knees against my chest. We were at the lake where Tsubasa and I always used to go camping. And he was actually the one who taught me how to skip stones. This was the first place I thought of if I was going to get answers from Natsume, it has to be where there's just the two of us.

Natsume sat beside me, and let out a sigh. "It's quiet out here."

"That's why I love it so much," I said, staring at the lake. It was perfectly still. It didn't look as threatening as the ocean, with it's huge waves and infinite depth. But the lake was also scary in its way. The outside might look peaceful, but what mattered what was under it. Unknown.

"What are you thinking about?"

I looked up at Natsume and saw that he was staring at me intently. "A lot."

"That's pretty vague."

I shrugged in reply. I really wanted answers from him, but I was scared to hear those too. What if he was right? Maybe this was more complicated than it seemed. It wasn't just about the two of us anyway. It was about each of us, individually. I was still coping up with life, with Tsubasa's death. I was still scared of everything. And it seemed that Natsuem was too preoccupied with his own problems too. And I realized that I never did ask him once what was going on with him. So maybe I could start there.

"How are your parents?" I asked, quietly.

"The same. They only come home like twice a year now, and those aren't even during the holidays."

"I'm sorry. That must be so hard for Aoi. And for you."

"We're used to it," he replied, not looking at me.

So this was him holding back. I've seen my own defense mechanisms before, and I could see some similarities in his. He was shutting me off, like I used to do before when I first arrived at Japan.

"So let's talk about college," he said. "Do you—"

"No," I said, firmly. "We're not talking about me this time. It's like this whole summer has been revolving around me, and I'm getting tired of it. So let's talk about you."

He cringed a little. "There's nothing to talk about. My life has been completely the same before you left and when you got back here."

"Like I've been paying attention before," I said, rolling my eyes. "I don't know the details."

"You don't want to," he muttered.

I glared at him, until he finally looked at me. "Try me."

He sighed, and stretched his legs, and sat back, his weight on his palms. "Fine. What do you want to know?"

I could go straight to the point. Like why he didn't want to be with me. This was first my intention anyway, but now I realized how selfish it was. It really did occur to me that I wasn't the only one with problems. "When was the last time you talked to your parents?" I said.

"Last month," he replied, flatly. "I let Aoi talk to them whenever they call, and the last time was last week."

"Do you miss them?"

"Honestly? If they started living in the house again, they would be so immersed in whatever they're doing and forget they have kids. So it really doesn't make a difference."

"You didn't answer my question."

"No," he said, without hesitation.

"Okay," I answered, stretching my legs. "Can I ask another question? Completely different this time."

He arched an eyebrow at me. "I think I better brace myself for this one."

That makes two of us, I thought. I took a deep breath. This was one of those questions that you want to know the answer to badly, but at the same time, scared to hear them. "That night on Hotaru's roof... have you forgotten about it?"

There was a moment of silence, until he said. "How could I forget about that? It was just a couple of days ago."

"Do you want to forget about it?" I asked, quietly.

"Mikan, look at me."

I was too afraid to. I just stared at the lake. Finally, I felt his hand grab ahold of my chin softly so that I was face-to-face with him.

"You still remember what I said, right?" he said, looking intently at my eyes.

"Of course," I said, as he took his hand off my chin. "You said things were complicated. And you won't tell me why."

He chuckled slightly, then let out a sigh. "I might end up hurting you. It's that complicated."

I still didn't get it. It was frustrating that something so simple to me was complicated to him.

"Then tell me, Natsume" I said. "Tell me what's so complicated so we can fix it."

Natsume stared at the ground, and for a moment he looked like a lost little boy. He looked so vulnerable that I just wanted to hold him in my arms. He finally looked up at me, and he looked like he was about to cave in, but then his expression turned passive. "I can't," he whispered, more to himself than me.

"So let me get this straight. We both want to be with each other, but you can't, because of something complicated that you can't tell me about?"

I wasn't used to seeing Natsume at a loss for words, but that was exactly what he was right now. Speechless. "I guess," he replied.

He doesn't want to be with you, I told myself. Maybe that confession he made on Hotaru's roof was true, but so what if he's liked me for years? I'm sure he could get over that. What would he want with an emotionally damaged seventeen-year old girl anyway?

"You know what," I said, getting up. "You figure out whatever you need to figure out. If this problem of yours has anything to do with me, then I'll stay away. If not, then, you know where to find me."

I walked over to my truck and climbed in the passenger seat. No, I wasn't that ruthless to leave him alone here. I just needed some time to think.

Well I got my answer. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, and it didn't feel like closure either. But what bothered me now was what whatever was bothering Natsume. From the looks of it, he'd been holding it in for a while. But why wouldn't he tell me?

At that moment, Natsume opened the driver's door, and climbed in, starting the truck. He smiled at me, like nothing happened. "Ready?"

I nodded.

As we drove away from the lake, I couldn't help but notice that he still had a pained expression on his face. And whatever his secret was, I wanted to save him from it. And that's when I truly realized, that I was deeply in love with this boy.

* * *

**Yay I finished one chapter! You guys I am really sorry for updating late like I know how I always say that I will update soon on every chapter and then suddenly I don't because sometimes I get soooo busy or my laptop just decides to scare the hell out of me and die, and then come back to life again. It's like my laptop has amnesia now, because all my files are GONE and I want to cry because I've somehow earned those files for years. And I have no idea why I sound like a lost a house or something, but anyway.**

**Hoped you guys liked this chapter, and I am really sorry for cutting you off there. Hehe. I hope you lovelies can wait for my next update! So that's all for now :) Ciao!~ x**


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